One of our favorite ‘90s musicians, Lou Barlow, recently waxed poetic on why he hates “All She Wants to Do Is Dance.” In the midst of his rant, he mentioned that he also despises the theme song for The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody. While we’d never besmirch such a classic, it did get us thinking about what other shows have opening music we can’t abide. It was a bit contentious, but we rounded up some opinions from Wetpaint Editors on theme songs they can’t stand.
The L Word
Originally, The L Word’s opening was short and forgettable. All that changed in Season 3, when they switched things up to a new theme by Betty that kinda sounded like a knock-off James Bond opening. And at a minute long, it took forever.
Charles in Charge
For those of you too young to know, Charles in Charge was an ‘80s sitcom about a college-aged guy who lived in a family’s basement and took care of their two teenaged daughters and young son. He was in charge, and, according to the song’s slightly creepy lyrics, they wanted it that way.
Star Trek: Enterprise
Though Star Trek: Enterprise debuted in 2001, it’s soft-rock theme song is straight out of the ‘80s, complete with cheesy lyrics such as, “It’s been a long road / gettin’ from here to there” and “I can reach any star / I've got faith / I've got faith / Faith of the heart.”
Ugh, these lyrics are misleading: “a pugnacious little shorty with a thousand IQ”? No, TJ was saucy but certainly not pugnacious. And while he was a “smart guy,” as the theme reminded us over and over, let’s not get hyperbolic about his level of genius.
It starts off OK, which some distorted guitar, but when that “yeah, yeah!” kicks in, it’s all over. Once Jane’s Addiction’s song transitions to, “My mind had been enabled / in a memory you overflow,” we’re helplessly confused and annoyed with the bro-iness of it all.
Two and Half Men
Does this song have more words than just “Men, men, men, manly men, men, men”? We’ve always switched the channel when Jon Cryer starts lip-syncing the “Oooh,” lest we take our anger out on our eardrums.
Walker, Texas Ranger
Chuck Norris obviously has some pull, as he managed to wrangle himself a spot speak-singing Walker, Texas Ranger’s theme song: “In the eyes of a ranger / The unsuspected stranger / Had better know the truth of wrong from right / ‘cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you / Any wrong you do he's gonna see / When you're in Texas look behind you / 'cause that's where the rangers are gonna be.” Rhyming “you” with “you”? Brilliant.
Editors were torn over this one. Some scoffed at Firefly’s cheese ball “Ballad of Serenity,” while others insisted, “You can’t take the song from me.”
One of TV’s most recognizable theme songs, “I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole will be forever linked to Dawson’s Creek — unless you’re watching the show on Netflix. In that case, you get tormented by the unbearable "Run Like Mad" by Jann Arden. The original might’ve been impossibly ‘90s, but at least it only made James Van Der Beek want to run and hide.
This must be the sappiest TV theme ever composed. We’ll just leave these lyrics here: “Where can gooooo when the world don’t treat you right? / The answer is hoooooome / That’s the one place that you’ll find seventh heaven.” Can we just agree to never put the name of the show in the songs lyrics?