If you think that words don't hurt, then you haven't spent some quality time with ABC's official DWTS message boards. A brief trip to the boards earlier today revealed a scene of gruesome inhumanity and unrepentant verbal violence. While the perpetrators remain at large, three of the victims - namely logic, reason, and sanity - were left alive but badly beaten, while the remaining two victims, grammar and syntax, were left mutilated and bludgeoned to death. It's true: the English language is used, misused, and put out to pasture on message boards. Here's our roundup of the best of the worst posts and comments after last night's premiere. We recommend arming yourself with a stiff drink and a red pen before reading on.
Our Dancing Bodies, Ourselves
Board members seem especially opinionated on the roles of women in society. "Whether she is eliminated in the first week, or whether she gets to the winner circle, Kate is Great!" wrote Lord_Of_The_Trash. "This is a woman of great strength and physical power - she gave birth to 8 kids! She is showing her kids that a woman can be both mother and bread winner! - she defines feminism!" LOTT's sentiments echoed a stirring faction of DWTS fans who regard Kate as a champion for the lives of modern American women. As with every major wave of feminism, however, there is an inevitable cultural backlash. In fact, a sizable chunk of the board seems ready to pick up their pitchforks and torches, storm the DWTS castle, and destroy Kate Gosselin once and for all. Babygorls screamed "SHE SHOULD BE HOME WITH HER CONFUSED & SAD CHILDREN... I AM A SINGLE MOTHER & UNLIKE HER... I PUT MY SON FIRST, NOT ME FIRST... SO I WILL NEVER SUPPORT THIS WOMEN WHO JUST WANTS ATTENTION FROM THE MEDIA.. & BUYS 7K HAIR EXTENSIONS... SORRY BUT I CAN NOT SUPPORT THIS WOMEN IN DWTS... SHE NEEDS TO GO HOME TO HER CHILDREN WHO NEEDS HER MORE THAN A CRYSTAL BALL!"
How to Win an Argument in a Court of Law
On whether or not Nicole Scherzinger is overqualified for this competition, several posters scoured the DWTS annals and referred to that most contentious of cases, The People vs. Mya (from DWTS Season 9). In an alarmingly stalkerish display of inside information, the concerned parties wrote:
"Your memory is apparently not very good because Derek NEVER said one word against Mya or her dance experience. Joanna had major issues with Mya, but Derek did not. He and Mya were actually friends and hung out outside of the show. Derek actually went on Larry King and when asked who should win, said that DWTS was a dancing show and if you were voting on the best dancer, Mya should win." -MissMyaShow
"My memory is wonderful......I know he was on Larry King and of course I saw what he said...he did say Mya then...I saw it...he said for best dancer Mya should win...and thats the truth...But of course he would say that then...We all know Joanna had a problem with Mya...who would miss that...but yes Derek did indeed say that in a tv guide interview as well as an on air interview clip in tv earlier on in the season...maybe he changed his mind? I dont know...I do have a good memory and I never lie...tyvm.." -MissRalphLauren
It's as if Shakespeare watched A Few Good Men and then penned the most riveting episode of Law and Order ever, isn't it?
Finally, the Lonely Self-Promoter
"Here we go again. How many times does it need to be said?" catwoman1121 asked. "Just because you can learn choreography and dance hip hop does not mean you can do ballroom or Latin dance well. As a former cheerleader, I had to learn dance routines all of the time, but when my husband and I took classes, I really had to work hard to retrain my brain and my body to move differently. It was hard! I got it, but I had to work for it." Chances are, catwoman1121 watches DWTS in her old cheerleader outfit surrounded by 15 cats, cases full of dusty cheering trophies, rooms full of unfulfilled dreams, and a husband who never ever gets to win at "Dancing with the Stars for Wii".