It's our first Glee episode back after we spent a FOX-imposed four-month stint in detox (or should we say Glee-tox); we weren't the only ones who developed the shakes from going so long without this show, were we? Not that the episode disappointed, chockfull as it was with shocking revelations. One such revelation: Emma The Virgin won't be giving it up to Schue anytime soon. (Poor guy — he couldn't have been getting any from Terri all that recently, either.) And a second such revelation: Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? This one was courtesy not of famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau but of that delightfully deadpan dullard Brittany, who had a breakout episode tonight. Looks like the time off did everyone some good — even us, by proving to ourselves that we could handle these four, Glee-free months of Glee-tox. And we didn't even projectile vomit once! Looks like we can quit whenever we want. (But why would we want?)
Apparently, a lot has transpired since our Heroes dramatically (albeit predictably) eked out that victory in Sectionals last episode. That includes the coming-together of your favorite will-they-or-won't-they couple, the couple that has exuded oodles of sexual tension in just about every scene that they shared in those first 13 episodes. That's right, we can only be talking about... Sue Sylvester and Principal Figgins? That can't be right! But hook up they did, as Sue found a way to drug Figgins, sleep with him, and then blackmail him into getting her job back. (Sounds like true love to us!) Talk about a move that is truly Machiavellian, or at least "Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct"-ian. Or, to use Sue's words, "there's nothing [Figgins] won't lick whipped cream off of." Okay, we're just going to rinse the vomit out of our mouths, and then we'll be right back.
Vomit's gone! Now where were we? Ah, yes... New Couple Central. Let's see, there's Rachel and Finn, with Finn showing all the enthusiasm of one of those rhinos that has a tickbird that's sitting on it, and knows that it can't get rid of the bird without dire consequences, but damn, if it isn't ridiculously annoying to have some random bird sitting on you for the rest of eternity. (At least, we assume that's what those rhinos are thinking. A rhino can sometimes be a closed book.) There's Emma and Schue, who — if Emma had her way — would probably be making out underneath HazMat suits. There's Quinn and Puck, who isn't loving what this whole pregnancy thing is doing to her figure. And there's Ken and... uh, looks like he isn't exactly playing the field post-breakup quite yet. Or, as Finn says, Ken has let himself go so much after getting dumped that he has "pulled a Jessica Simpson." At least Ken didn't have to star in the Dukes of Hazzard remake. That would truly be hitting rock-bottom.
Back in glee club, Schue challenges our Heroes to start anew with a song containing the word "hello" in the title. Finn rocks out to The Doors' "Hello, I Love You" as Schue tries to get him over his breakup with Quinn by telling him to embrace his inner Jim Morrison. Uh, did Schue perhaps not read the last few chapters from his copy of the Jim Morrison biography? It's not exactly the most uplifting ending in the world, not to mention that Morrison might not be the best role model for today's youth.
Sue may have lost Quinn from her army, but Santana and Brit are still on the front lines, so she goads them into seducing Finn, thereby crushing Rachel and getting her to quit the Club. Smash cut to: Santana and Brittany, holding hands like those evil Siamese cats held each other's evil tails in Lady and the Tramp, inviting Finn to go out with them for a night of food... and maybe more. But probably just food. Regardless, Finn takes the bait. Shocker.
Rachel hears about Finn's three-way date and chooses to perform "Gives You Hell," apparently picking her favorite syllable from the "hello" assignment. (Good thing Schue didn't ask the club to sing something featuring the word "obituary" — we're thinking the second syallable would be irresistable) or the word "cockamamie" (we assume you can guess which syllable they'd use). Of course, there can't be many song titles that use the words "obituary" or "cockamamie."
Encouraged by Schue to take the competition more seriously, Rachel looks for the music to a Lionel Richie song, and finds something even sexier (which is saying something). It's none other than the curly hair and penetrating eyes of Jesse St. James, the male lead in Vocal Adrenaline, as played by Jonathan Groff. They sing a stellar rendition of Ritchie's "Hello," accompanied by piano and... a string quartet, which happens to be in the music store for some reason. And why wouldn't it be?
Of course, not everyone is all too comfortable that Rachel is sleeping with the enemy. Or rather, that she's French-kissing with the enemy. Okay, so maybe she's just grinning with the enemy, but those are some pretty lascivious grins! Finn wants her back after that ill-fated date with Britana (who tried to send back their meals after Brittany claimed that there was a mouse in her food), and Rachel's fellow glee clubbers, led by Mercedes and Kurt (we were wondering where those two had been hiding all episode!), threaten to kick her out of if she doesn't give up her dark-haired, honey-voiced pretty boy. (By the way, does anyone else think that, if this show were on 15 years ago, Jesse St. James would have been played by Uncle Jesse himself, John Stamos? Come on — we can dream, can't we?)
And Schue goes one step further by sneaking into a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal of "Highway to Hell" and approaching Idina Menzel's coach, Shelby, accusing her of whoring out poor John Stamos. Either there's nothing hotter than being accused of sabotage, or Schue has a lot of pent-up frustration from Emma's use of the v-word, because — and hang onto your hats, any card-carrying members of the Mr. Schuester fan club (should we call them the Schue Crew? Sure, why not?) — we soon see Shelby and Schue together on the couch, using their mouths for a lot more than just singing. That's not a conducting baton in his pocket!
And that's not even the worst news for all you Wemma fans out there. Terri decides to cordially stop by as Emma is setting the table and informs her that Neil Diamond's "Hello Again," which Will had chosen for a slow dance with Emma, was actually the song from his prom dance with Terri. Looks like the guy finds a song that he can dance to and clings to it like grim death! This doesn't sit well with Emma, who confronts Will with his yearbook and tells him to take some "Will time" before trying things with someone new. Which, come to think of it, is the same thing that he heard from Shelby. Looks like our man is 0-for-2. Sorry about that, Schue Crew! At least we're here for you!
Finally, Finn tells Rachel that he ready to be a couple, but Rachel just can't get Stamos out of her head. And can you blame her? But don't worry, says Finn. He won't be shaken that easily. Uh-oh... sounds like Finn's feelings could have been best expressed by a certain theme song to a certain '90s sitcom entitled Full House: "Everywhere you look, everywhere there's a heart / A hand to hold onto." We couldn't have said it better ourselves. Although, if you actually make us watch an episode of Full House, we can't promise that we'll be able to hold in the projectile vomit this time! (And... that makes three separate reference to vomit in one recap. We apologize; that must be some kind of record, even for us. But join us again next week — as they say, records are made to be broken!)
1. Hello, I Love You — The Doors (1968)/ Album: Waiting for the Sun Finn Hudson 2. Gives You Hell — The All-American Rejects (2008)/ Album: When the World Comes Down Rachel Berry and New Directions (minus Finn) 3. Hello — Lionel Richie (1984)/ Album: Can't Slow Down Rachel Berry and Jesse St. James 4. Highway to Hell — AC/DC (1979)/ Album: Highway to Hell Jesse St. James and Vocal Adrenaline 5. Hello Goodbye — The Beatles (1967)/ Album: I Am the Walrus New Directions