Ain't no party like a Jake/Vienna party 'cause a Jake/Vienna party don't stop. Wow. Remember on Jillian's season of The Bachelorette when Jake's biggest problem was that he was too "perfect"? Ha ha! We were all so young and naive then. Let's take a look at the breakup carnage in these 10 chronological highlights. You can see the frustration and tears escalate to the point where there is no real winner. Except maybe for us as viewers. And Ali, obviously, for getting out when she could.
10. Jake's disgust launches the drama
Vienna is sharing her side of the story, telling Chris H. she stayed with Jake because he kept telling her things would be different. She was just about to get to the part about how they broke up three times when Jake interrupts her (that's supposed to be her job!) to lash out.
Jake: "I’m so mad at you. I’m so disgusted with you. You sold me out to a magazine for payment and then flirted with me all weekend."
She says she didn't even see him all weekend.
Jake: "I've got text messages. Yes, baby, I've got text messages."
That's when liar vs. liar starts. Jake's "I'm so mad at you" sounds a lot like Melissa Rycroft's "you're such a bastard" seething during her on-air breakup with Jason Mesnick, but as this breakup continues, Vienna seems to be getting the upper hand. Jason never had the upper hand in his disaster.
9. My job is being creepy
After Vienna tells Jake "You are a fame whore, is what you are; that was the entire reason that this entire thing happened" she tells Chris she was under the impression she was engaged to a pilot, but all of a sudden Jake's in L.A. pursuing a career in acting. Big surprise there!
Jake: "At least I was pursuing a career in something."
Vienna: "Sorry, actually, I do have a job now, a marketing job."
Jake: "I’m a pilot."
Vienna: "You haven’t flown in over a year."
And this is where Jake grits his teeth into a smile so creepy we cringe.
Jake: "As a matter of fact I flew this last weekend."
It's really getting ugly now.
8. Where's the polygraph?
Vienna is explaining how she didn't know actor Gregory Michael (who had his name bleeped out like a curse word) before the charity event they were at on Saturday, June 19. She said there was absolutely no cheating. Jake asks about a single guy she had at her apartment on Saturday night. Vienna says that was a gay guy named Todd, who dropped by her place to pick up a dress. Vienna says he talked to Jake on the phone and wondered why Jake was jealous, because he's gay.
Vienna: "You're going by a video of me not even touching a guy, then a picture taken at an event and that's what you're saying, I cheated?"
Jake: "I don't know what you did."
Jake: "I know, you're agreeing with me. I don't know what you did."
Vienna: "I'm not agreeing with anything you say. You are a liar. Can we get a polygraph test? Can we get one of those? 'Cause you would fail it."
Ding! Point to Vienna.
7. Dancing with the Stars gets dragged into it
Vienna says she supported Jake because he wanted to do Dancing with the Stars. The entire time he was on the show he never acknowledged her. He'd come home and he'd be on his Twitter. They were never together throughout the whole thing. Chris says at the end of the show she seemed excited to dance.
Vienna: "I was excited to get to spend the time with him."
Jake: "She was excited 'cause it put her on TV."
Vienna: "Oh whatever, Jake. That's the only thing you care about. I don't want this life. Like, I don't want to be on the cameras all the time like him."
So, you won't be going on DWTS or going in Playboy or anything else? Sorry, Vienna, but you seem to love cameras and attention just as much as Jake!
6. I broke up with you. No, I broke up with you
This particular spat starts with Jake saying he did not ring this bell, but now he has to go out there and talk to the rags and defend himself because "it has been rung." Vienna feels like he's been lying about how the breakup went down. She broke up with him on Monday, over the phone. She left him a letter explaining everything. Then, she claims, he said she was cheating and that's why he broke up with her.
Jake: "I did break up with you, Vienna."
Vienna: "OK, I broke up with you, Jake."
He doesn't want to do the he said/she said. She calls him a liar. Again. There was a witness sitting there next to her when she was on the phone with him for the break-up call.
Who does that? Who has witnesses for breakups, like it's going to come out in court? Was the letter notarized?
5. The undermining of Jake Pavelka
Jake's frustration is starting to mount at this point. Right after Vienna interrupts him for the 1,000th time — "This is how he treats me all the time!" — Vienna asks Chris how a person can get sick of someone in six months. (Really? We're already sick of the both of you and it's been maybe 20 minutes.) Jake feels like he can answer this one.
Jake: "What guy in America would ever want to be intimate with a woman that undermines him…"
Vienna: "Please tell me what undermines means..."
Chris: "Yeah, be specific. Let him finish, but be specific."
Jake: "Emasculates and doesn’t respect..."
Vienna: "I would like examples. Because you always say that I undermine you. Every day. I undermine you because I turned the GPS on…"
Jake: "You're doing it right now, you're interrupting. ... The interruption is a constant thing I’m dealing with."
The interruptions are getting annoying. This is why the drama had to unfold in the tabloids — at least it's written down. They can't communicate with each other verbally.
4. Chris doesn't care about Chloe
Jake says he doesn't want a selfish woman, then yawns as Vienna says she's not selfish, she flew across the country for him and left everything, including the dog. Jake said he flew the dog out on his own dime, several times. She says he made her fly Chloe back home. Jake says Vienna wouldn't clean up after the dog. She says she was potty training Chloe. Papa Chris keeps trying to get them back on track and has to break in and say, "Okay, I don't really, we don't really care about the dog." Chloe, sounds like you got out at the right time. Consider yourself lucky!
3. Jake should've picked Tenley
Jake tells Chris the problem with the relationship...
Jake: "Is it's me, me, me, me, me, me, me…”
Vienna: "Is that you need a woman who has no say, who sits there and smiles and doesn’t do anything, that's what you need. You need a perfect girl that sits there just like this and
does everything you want her to do and says absolutely nothing. That's what you need."
Vienna tells some story about moving furniture and Jake says "The problem with that, Chris, is she’s like a tabloid. You get about 40 percent of the truth." Vienna says "with you, you get none." The problem, clearly, is that Jake chose wrong. Case closed.
2. Why aren't we having sex?
You'd almost think the angry sex would be pretty good between these two, but with the lack of respect, the interruption, the breaking down, how they call each other "mean" — it's just not hot.
Vienna: "I thought it was because you wanted to wait till marriage, or because you were fasting. Which one? I just want to know which excuse it is, 'cause you've given me five."
Jake: "You know what, there's more in a relationship than sex and intimacy."
Vienna: "How about talking or getting to know someone's family? Those are part of a relationship, correct?"
Jake, just stick with fasting. Pick an excuse and run with it.
1. Vienna cries and storms out after her, uh, 'apology'
Chris asks Vienna if there's any part of her that wants to apologize to Jake. After a long pause she turns to him.
Vienna: "I am sorry that I went about it the way I did, but I know you — the real you — and I knew you would do it if I didn't it." (Psst, Vienna, that's not much of an apology.)
Jake: "You don't know me and I wouldn't have done it and if you—"
Vienna: "If I don't know you then—"
Jake: "Please stop INTERRUPTING ME."
Vienna bursts into tears.
Jake: "The thing is, I never would've done this to somebody that I, that I love. When I got down on one knee..."
Vienna: "You do not love me."
Jake: "And again I got interrupted.""
Vienna: "I'm done with this. You are the meanest person I've ever met in my life!"
And so she storms out, leaving Chris and Jake to sit there and talk about how just about nothing got solved with this. But thanks for stopping by!