Oh, Damon. So evil, so tortured, so snarky. While Stefan may have won our hearts with his compassion and loyalty, he’s got nothin' on brother Damon’s mad skills with snappy one-liners. Here are our top 10 fave quotes from the undead master of the wisecrack.
Damon (while paging through Eclipse): What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward is so whipped! Caroline: You have to read the first book first, otherwise it won't make sense. Damon: Uh, I miss Ann Rice, she was so on it. Caroline: Hey, how come you don't sparkle? Damon: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun. Caroline: Yeah, but you go in the sun. Damon: I have a ring, it protects me. It's complicated. (Episode 1.4, "Family Ties")
We'll admit it: We've been known to cheat on The Vampire Dairies with a little Twilight action, so we totally LOL'd at the namedrops in this hilar convo between Damon and Caroline. Hats off to this little jab the VD writers make in response to controversy over Vampire Diaries being a cheap Twilight rip-off. (For those of you who don't know, Vampire Diaries was around way before Twilight was even a twinkle in Stephanie Meyer's eye, thank you very much!)
Damon (after being stabbed): This is John Varvatos, dude. Dick move. (Episode 1.4, "Family Ties")
For most people, getting stabbed in the chest would be a bit of a BFD. Not for Damon. When a furious Stefan chucks a letter opener into Damon’s chest, Damon is way more concerned about his designer duds. It's a tough call, but we’re totes with Damon on this one.
Damon (on brotherhood): But we're a team. We could travel the world together. We could try out for The Amazing Race! (Episode 1.10, "The Turning Point")
Show of hands: Who would so totally watch Damon on The Amazing Race? We can just imagine Damon chowing down on any team who dared give them a U-Turn.
Damon (on the vampire community): It's not like we all hang out together at the Vamp Bar and Grill. (Episode 1.14, "Fool Me Once")
By taking Elena (by force, mind you) on an long and unscheduled scenic tour of Georgia, Damon's just asking for awkward conversation and interrogation. Fortunately, he's able to defuse Elena’s questions about the identity of her mysterious vampire attacker with this snarky little gem. Note to Elena: Just because D's a vampire doesn't mean he knows all the other existing vampires out there! Stefan: Now that the secret society of vampire haters is off our back, I can go make to my routine of "How Can I Destroy Stephen’s Life This Week?" Damon: And I can go back to sulking, and Elena-longing, and forehead-brooding. This is fun! I like this. Stefan: And I will finally reveal the ulterior motive behind my evil and diabolical return to Mystic Falls. Damon: Yeeeah, I'm done. That’s so like you, Damon — always have to have the last word. (Episode 1.9, "History Repeating")
One of the biggest LOLs in season one has to be in "History Repeating" when Damon and Stefan take turns mocking each other. This exchange is not only epically hilarious, it's a bittersweet reminder that these guys were once close brothers who knew how to make each other laugh — you know, until the whole stealing-evil-girlfriend thing happened.
Damon (on Elena and Stefan's relationship): I get it. He's the reason you live. His love lifts you up where you belong. (Episode 1.17, "Let the Right One In")
Stefan's been kidnapped by a coven of angry vampires and Damon still manages to crack a smart ass remark. At approximately 175 years old, the vamp has lived through wars, economic collapses... and the gag-inducing love songs of the '80s. We love that Damon can simultaneously belittle our fave 'ship and reference the cheesetastic Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes duet,"Up Where We Belong." Go on, Youtube it. We won't judge ya.
Elena: How can you be so arrogant and glib after everything that you've done? Damon: And how can you be so brave and stupid to call a vampire arrogant and glib. Elena: If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead. Damon: Yes, you would. Elena: But I'm not. Damon:Yet. (Episode 1.7, "Haunted")
Elena and Stefan may have an intense epic love, but Elena and Damon have rapid-fire banter fraught with sexual tension! It's like they're ready to jump each other's bones — but in a totally hateful way! Just take this convo between E and D when she comes to the Salvatore residence. We love the way she brings Damon's lightning-quick wit.
Damon (to Alaric on the more human side of vampires): You can turn it off. Like a button you can press. Stefan is different. He wants to be human. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother. (Episode 1.21, "Isobel")
Stefan — a fan of Barney Stinson and his suits? Who would've thunk. Turns out the divide between human and vampire is just a matter of CBS sitcom preferences. Thanks, D, for that insightful info into vampire-dom.
Damon: "Believe it or not, Stefan, some girls don't need my persuasion. Some girls just can't resist my good looks, my style, my charm, and my unflinching ability to listen to [wince] Taylor Swift." (Episode 1.4, "Family Ties")
We've been crushing on Damon all season long, and here he is perfectly articulating just why we love him so friggin' much! Sexy, snarky, and has a tolerance for our greatest musical guilty pleasure? Swoooooon! Damon Salvatore is the perfect man... erm, minus that whole evil blood sucking bit.
Damon Salvatore: I've come to apologize. I've been doing some thinking, some soul searching and I want us to start over. We need to put the past behind us. You're my little brother and if you want to live a normal, happy human life, then I want that for you. Maybe I can do it too, that I can learn to be a non-living, living person. Maybe there's hope for both of us. [Laughs after pause] Stefan Salvatore: You know it doesn't have to be this way, Damon . Damon Salvatore: 'Course it doesn't. I saw Elena today, BTW — that means by the way. She was at cheerleading practice. She looked so perky in her little short shorts. Simmer down, I didn't go near her. I've got my own cheerleader now. Oh, that reminds me I've gotta run, gotta date. Sweaty palms, wish me luck!. (Episode 1.3, "Friday Night Bites")
The mother of all quotes, Damon manages to sneak so much snark into this quick repartee with Stefan. S might play the somber, stoic vamp, but even he isn't immune to some brotherly teasing. Imagine getting tormented by the acerbic vamp for 140 years. Eeesh.