Bachelor Bro-Down Throwdown for “The Men Tell All”
Jealousy, impatience, anger, rejection, annoyance: all sweet, sweet fodder for the most sensational dude fights. When the guys are swillin' the ol' hatorade, we've got your ringside coverage. Here are the highlights from“The Men Tell All.”
JUSTIN VS. EVERYONE. LITERALLY, EVERY LIVING HUMAN HATES JUSTIN. INSTIGATOR: You seriously have to ask? Which rock do you live under? (And do you also have a fancier rock that you use as a summer home?) WHY: The guys just needed one last opportunity to bash the guy. Not that we would expect to have our last “Throwdown” go by without one final mention of Justin. Not seeing Justin in this segment is like not seeing Joan Rivers on the red carpet at the Oscars. ADVANTAGE: The guys. Everyone was taking potshots at the absentee wrestler, even castoffs from the first episode, like Kyle The Outdoorsman. Note to Justin: When you’re even being mocked by a guy whose only job description is the comically nebulous term “outdoorsman,” you know that you’ve taken a few wrong turns in life. WINNER: Who do you think? Do you really expect us to take a bullet for Rated-R? In fact, the only time that we were even tempted to side with Justin this week was by default, after Jonathan told that story about Justin proclaiming himself to be this year’s villain, and Jonathan said that Justin was very “laissez faire” in the way that he said it. Uh... does Jonathan know that “laissez faire” refers to allowing industries to be free from government intervention? Apparently, we have one more reason to hate Justin: He doesn’t support government regulations! That bastard! JONATHAN VS. TYLER AND JOHN INSTIGATOR: Tyler and John. WHY: The guys still hold a grudge against Jonathan for squealing on Craig M. Plus, let’s face it — Jonathan is pretty easy to dislike. ADVANTAGE: Tyler and John. They certainly had the numbers (translation: we didn’t exactly see anyone jumping on the Jonathan bandwagon), and having John remind us that Jonathan called Craig “dangerous” just further illustrates how ridiculous Jonathan’s claims were. That is, the only thing that might be dangerous about Craig is his hair. We would hate for a hawk to swoop down and grab at it, thinking that it’s some kind of small mammal. WINNER: Tyler and John. Jonathan was just lucky that this was the only incident that the guys decided to poke fun at, and not, say, Jonathan’s refusal to wear a revealing swimsuit, or the completely awkward way that he handled his kissing scene in the music video shoot, or his horrendous singing, or... Wow, come to think of it, Jonathan should consider himself lucky to have stuck around for as long as he did! KIRK VS. FRANK INSTIGATOR: Poor, heartsick Kirk WHY: Frank got a rose to make the top three in place of Kirk, but then he bailed. Of course, in Frank’s defense, maybe Frank didn’t realize that The Bachelorette is a show where you’re usually encouraged to meet new people? ADVANTAGE: Kirk. We really did feel for the guy, who seemed to have very real feelings for Ali. And again, Frank made it harder to root for him, since it’s hard to make a convincing case for your side of the story where you’re, y’know... not there. In fact, bashing the absent cast members seemed to be a trend. ABC might as well have called this episode, “The Men Insult Anyone Who Didn’t Show Up Today.” Punctuality never mattered so much! WINNER: Frank. Look, it sucks that Frank realized he had feelings for someone else and broke Ali’s heart in the process. But — if we’re to believe that Frank made his decision as quickly as he could — Kirk can’t really hold Frank accountable for Ali having strong feelings for Frank than for himself. That’s like holding Matthew McConaughey accountable for the fact that the female lead eventually falls for him in [insert the name of any Matthew McConaughey movie ever made here].