Before announcing that, for one celebrity, tonight would be the end of their story — because last was Story Night and there is no pun he can resist — Tom Bergeron reminded everyone that the judges liked Audrina and hated Bristol last night, and that The Situation was just plain weird. But, with Brooke Burke in a plain black dress — albeit one we’re not sure she could breathe in — it was obviously going to be a strange night. And so, for an encore, Len asked to see The Situation and Karina’s futuristic Foxtrot.
It was definitely just as weird as last night’s performance, though The Situation seemed much more relaxed this time. His arm movements remained slight stilted (though, at least it fit the futuristic “Boom Boom Pow” Foxtrot of weirdness) and his feet were a little looser (not a good thing). Then, it was straight to the elimination discussion. Audrina & Tony, Kyle & Lacy and Kurt & Anna were in the hot seats but not — because they were immediately preceded by the encore dance — on the stage.
Strangely, though, they decided to show Brandy & Maks, Jennifer & Derek and Rick & Cheryl performing while keeping the other three couples in suspense — but, while they did so, the three couples that were actually about to hear their results ascended the stage. Audrina & Tony — last night’s high-scorers — were safe, as were Kurt & Anna. But Kyle & Lacey were left in jeopardy despite their utterly cute (and high-scoring) performance.
Then it was time for a performance by Ne-Yo singing “One In A Million” and looking mighty fine. He (thankfully) brought his own dancers and quite a few of his own Michael Jackson-inspired dance moves (not to mention Michael’s combination of slightly short black pants, white socks, and black shoes) and an entire story performance in which a woman in patent leather platform stilettos and modern-day paniers played hard to get in clothes definitely not designed to dance in.
To fill time, the producers brought back Donny Osmond and his Botoxed forehead to talk to — but, sadly, not react to — fans of the show in Vegas. Why Vegas? Because it is perhaps the only city in which you could find a woman addled enough by multiple sleepless nights, endless rounds of nickel slots, and neon lights to say that she thought The Hoff was a great dancer.
Then it was time to tell Brandy & Maks, Jennifer & Derek, and Rick & Cheryl where they stood — but not before watching clips of the three couples who were already informed of their status. Somebody in production is getting fired this week. Jennifer & Derek were, of course, safe. Rick & Cheryl were in jeopardy — but they misheard and initially celebrated their safety. Brandy & Maks were, however safe — and the audience was, it’s fair to say, pretty steamed between the messed-up producer packages and Rick & Cheryl (and Rick’s chest!) being in jeopardy.
(It is at this junction only fair to note that it was apparently brutally cold in the ballroom tonight, because Rick’s nipples looked like they could carve glass. We didn’t mind. Kyle, however, seemed slightly disconcerted having to be so close to them in their backstage interview.)
To fill more time, Mark and Val (Maks’ brother) went head-to-head in a stringed instrument and dancing competition. They spent several minutes smack-talking before getting down to playing and dancing and looking sexy. Their competition turned into a mostly acoustic cover of Britney Spears’ “Toxic,” after which Lacey joined Val and an unknown dancer (who, it must be said, could do a backflip — though not in heels) for the dancing portion. They finished on-stage with Val on violin and Mark on electric guitar. And, if you didn’t know “Toxic” was a genius song before, now you do. But after the Glee cast covered it last week, we'll have to penalize DWTS for being years late on this song discovery.
To make up for Susan Boyle begging off, Michael Bolton came back to sing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” (albeit the Jeff Buckley version sung like Leonard Cohen). Anna came out dancing with a non-competing professional and looking beautiful — but not as angelic as the children’s choir that joined Bolton on-stage, but were rather obviously intended for Boyle. Whatever: Michael Bolton made up for the doggy dance with that performance, and the audience knew it. Hell, he might have made up for the late '80s with that performance. He definitely made up for the long scraggly hair with it.
Then it was time to judge Margaret & Louis, Florence & Corky, The Situation & Karina, and Bristol & Mark. This time, at least, the producers managed to get the performers on-stage synced up with the video in the booth — not that it told us much we didn’t know. Then it was finally time to tell us something we didn’t know: who was safe. The Situation & Karina were safe — she was excited and he seemed pretty stunned. However, Bristol & Mark remained in jeopardy (to the boos of the audience). Florence & Corky were safe, and Margaret & Louis were, of course, in jeopardy. The audience — perhaps not understanding the point of the results show, in which someone has to go home — booed the results yet again.
Then, it was time for a montage of weeping and frustration (rehearsals), excitement and adrenaline (performance), and fear and ecstasy (the results). It took just long enough to get all the couples in jeopardy back onstage.
Kyle & Lacey, Rick & Cheryl, Bristol & Mark, and Margaret & Louis took their places. Kyle & Lacey were safe, to their obvious relief. Tom and Brooke made the rest of them wait until after the commercials to find out who was next, though. Rick & Cheryl were told they (and Rick’s nipples) were safe. Bristol & Margaret steeled their faces for the inevitable — and only Margaret had to face it.
Margaret thanked the judges for recognizing her ability to dance, even through their criticism, and complimented Louis for both his teaching and partnering skills. Louis told her that he was proud of her for being able to be vulnerable on the dance floor and that he loved her. It was then time for the (first) video montage — all her happiness and sadness and their obvious connection. Then, it was time for the final dance: they went all prom with it and Margaret cried a little before the band broke into the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Whoever chooses the songs for the send-offs seems to be as snarky as we are!