After tonight’s “Gossip Girl,” we were left with one burning question: why is Serena always late to class if she clearly never bothers showering in the morning? Does it really take that long for her to pick through her wardrobe of hotpants and neon bustiers and throw together an inappropriate outfit? We love Blair all the more for her reaction when Serena complains about her professor’s negative reaction to her tardiness: “If only there were a device of some kind to keep the time!” Beyond that retort, though, Blair is severely off her game this week. That’s because Chuck has decided to audit classes at Columbia, purely so he can mess with her. (He got in by promising to donate a “Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda” to the university, which is a nice touch because Columbia really loves rotundas.)
And mess with her he does. Blair wants to become influential business professor Martha Chamberlain’s TA, but Chuck beats her to the punch—then informs her that she’s also being shut out of Chamberlain’s class. Later, B tries to get in good with Chamberlain anyway by promising to set her up with a handsome suitor from Cyrus’s law firm. Again, though, she’s foiled by Chuck, who manages to waylay the lawyer with a room in the Empire and an escort. He embarrasses Blair further by sending a woman in the lawyer’s place.
This Chuck-Blair battle ends up being something of a draw, since Chamberlain decides to swear off Columbia altogether after overhearing the pair outline their increasingly ridiculous schemes. Still, says Chuck, he’s not through with his ex quite yet: “Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I’m going to be there to take it away from you. I won’t stop until you have nothing.” Blair responds that revenge won’t make him happy; the only thing that would make him happy is her love, but he lost that when he slept with Jenny.
Juliet went to visit that guy in prison, who may or may not be her boyfriend or brother, and updated him on the plan, which he’s clearly been planning on the walls of his cell instead of trying to dig himself out. Juliet said she remembered the goal was to get Serena expelled from Columbia, and the guy was irritated the plan was taking so long to execute. The guy pulled a picture of Juliet and Nate out from his secret man place that’s only searched every other Tuesday and asked why she was getting so close to him, but Juliet said she was only dating him to stay in Serena’s “orbit.” He said he understood, but that she should be careful her “relationship” with Nate doesn’t sideline the fact they want to leave Serena with nothing.
Blair went to go sign up for a class on the psychology of business, and to apply for the assistant to the professor position. She was terribly surprised when the professor informed her that not only had the position been filled, but that it was filled by Chuck, who had apparently been allowed to audit some classes after he funded a rotunda. Just as that happened, Kanye’s “Power” began to play and Gossip Girl sent out a blast that suggested Serena had an STD. Which, quite frankly, there's no reason for why she's been spared from at least the clap.
So of course, Juliet knew Nate’s past with Serena and said that before they replaced their Scrabble marathons with a different kind of marathon, he needed to walk himself down to student health and get tested. Additionally, Vanessa freaked out and asked Dan if he should get tested too, because she didn’t believe he hadn’t been with Serena since they’ve been together. But as Dan was escorting Nate to the clinic, Serena ran into them and was quite displeased that the two of them seemed to believe the rumor. And as Vanessa was bringing groceries in her netty bags over to Dan’s, Juliet texted her with a picture of Dan signing in to the student health clinic…but he was signing Nate up for the cotton swab! Not himself! Too bad a phone that streams video clashes with Vanessa’s organic and minimalist values.
Blair invited her new professor over to her apartment and tried to woo her for the assistant position that Chuck presently occupied. Blair said she heard about her divorce a few years ago, and was willing to set her up with one of her stepfather’s handsome lawyer colleagues at the Faculty and Friends mixer that was to take place that night. The professor said she’d meet whoever Blair introduced to her, but only because she planned on being there anyway.