The show began, as it ever did, with a series of terrible puns that even the former writers of America’s Funniest Home Videos would have been embarrassed to put their names on and even Bob Saget would have been embarrassed to say. Oh, Tom Bergeron. They can put a nice suit on you but somehow, you still reek of cheese.
At the bottom of the leaderboard were Bristol & Mark, Kurt & Anna and Jennifer & Derek... and so it was time to relive their dances and learn their fates. Jennifer admitted backstage before the performance that she was in a lot of pain, actually — it was the only surprise from backstage or the dances. Kurt & Anna were safe, to Anna’s apparent surprise, as were Bristol & Mark, which meant that Jennifer & Derek were in jeopardy. And Jennifer pretended to faint, only to be fanned back to consciousness by Anna.
For an encore, the judges asked to see Bristol & Mark for some reason. Clearly, if Bristol had danced that way last night, she would have been below Kurt: her feet lost articulation, the dance lost energy, her posture gave in slightly, and even Bristol’s air guitar lacked the same verve (and tongue) as last night. Uncool, man.
To make up for that, Heart performed “Barracuda.” Unfortunately, they didn’t bring their own back-up dancers and ended up with a massive crowd of ballroom dancers that included Chelsie, Damian, Tony, Louis, Karina, and Derek. Who cares? Heart rocked and Ann and Nancy Wilson looked amazing and sounded fantastic.
Then it was time to find out how Kyle & Lacey and Rick & Cheryl did last night. Rick & Cheryl were safe, but Kyle & Lacey were in jeopardy — and the audience booed. Probably because the worst couple keeps holding on? Ya think?
To kill time, the producers asked Bret Michaels, Alice Cooper, and Dee Snider to blather about rock music for a while. They even all pretended that they have been watching: Bret loves Brandy; Dee loved Rick; Alice liked Kurt; Bret liked Jennifer; Dee felt Audrina needed some emotions; and they all thought Bristol was, like, sweet or something.
Then it was time for School of Rock and a bunch of dancers to dance to a medley of — of course — “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper, “We Will Rock You” by Queen and very, very little ballroom dance. But at least we know how they got Alice Cooper in on the deal.
Despite it being a results show, though, it was time for Kylie Minogue to perform with her out back-up dancers to “Get Outta My Way.” It featured 6 shirtless men in spandex pants and women dancers with androgynous haircuts and amazing dresses. It was hardly a DWTS-friendly sideshow, but it made us, at least, want to buy the song.
Then it was time to figure out how Brandy & Maks and Audrina & Tony did. Backstage, Brandy & Maks were happy but Audrina was weepy and Tony very, very protective after Len told her that she wasn’t bringing emotions to the dance. But just to keep them — and us — in suspense a little longer, Tom interviewed “group dance team captain” Kristi Yamaguchi (Season 6 champ) about next week. And then they showed a producer package of the stars talking about the rehearsal schedule and competition day, like we hadn’t already seen that.
Surprising everyone, they didn’t go to commercial yet: they showed some actual results! Brandy & Maks were safe, but Audrina & Tony were still in jeopardy. The audience booed that result, too — possibly because the worst couples were already safe at the beginning? Just guessing.
Finally, it was time to let the three jeopardized couples know who was going home: Jennifer & Derek, Kyle & Lacey, and Audrina & Tony all stood awaiting their fates. Kyle & Lacey were safe... meaning that two of the best couples were still in jeopardy.
The judges were as gobsmacked as we were: Bruno couldn’t believe Audrina was there; and Carrie Ann said “it would hurt if they went home.” Len called it “ludicrous” because “we like the underdogs, but we like justice, too. And there’s no justice here.”
Audrina & Tony were asked to leave, but Jennifer looked like she was about to cry. Carrie Ann shook her head with disapproval, America, and we did, too. Len looked dismayed and Bruno, too, seemed like he didn’t understand what went wrong. Audrina took it with grace and a smile, but Tony looked grumpy and dismayed and like he, too, would cry, before the last dance. Mark & Anna hugged Tony with tears in their faces, as Lacey choked them back, and Bristol looked like she didn’t know how to feel. She should feel undeserving: she gets to stay because America voted her in based on something other than her skill, and even she knows it.