Jersey Shore Season 3 Premiere: Cha-Chas, Chick Fights, and C-Bombs
Sammi Sweatpants, who is about as much fun as a 3-week urinary tract infection, spent most of the time biting her nails, skirting friendly conversation, and hiding in her attic annex. We said it throughout the entirety of Season 2, and we'll say it again now: Sammi Sweatpants is, far and away, the absolute worst.
Eventually Deena, Snooki, and Vinny drunkenly piled into the hot tub, where it quickly became apparent that, not only does Snooki still harbor an unrequited crush on Vinny and his massive watermelon, but that Vinny recently did the dirty with Snooki's boozey pal, Ryder (faithful readers will remember Ryder as the especially boozy young woman who once drank a jumbo-sized margarita garnished with an up-turned bottle of Corona, and lived to tell about it). Anyway, news of said copulation greatly displeased The Snooki, whose subsequent moves on Vinny were brutally rebuffed and met with the oh-so-painful "I don't want to hurt you" line. Making her excuses, Deena quickly fled the awkward hot tub scene, and fixed her oversexed sights on The Scenario. What happened next is a bit unclear, but the end result was a cowboy hat hunt that resulted in Deena drunkenly showing Mike her nether-regions, and beginning a sentence with the ever-so-poetic "When Mike saw my nah-nah..."
Slightly terrified of his new housemate's praying mantis-like aggression, Mike (surprisingly) fled the scene of Deena's uncovered nah-nah, and quickly retired to the over-crowded pressure cooker he was forced to share with Ron and Sam. Dissatisfied with having been shot down by the largest manwhore North America has ever seen, an intoxicated Deena stumbled upstairs in a rather vain attempt at seducing Mike. Sam, who had spent most of the evening socializing with her three best friends, pillow, blanket, and sadness, reacted to Deena's slightly pathetic advances with a condescending guffaw — which, sorry Sam, is rather rich coming from somebody who allows men to treat her like the Staten Island landfill.
Deena, of course, didn't react well to Sam's laughter, and promptly dropped a well-timed C-bomb — which was the eventual catalyst for an all out shout-a-thon, with Snooki, Deena, and Bowwoww pitted against Ron and Sam. The episode ended, of course, with Bowwoww tossing a well-deserved punch in Sweatpant's general direction and mostly missing — which begs the question, how can a girl as broke-down and seemingly street-smart as Bowwoww have such a bad right hook?
And that was that, folks. We've only made it through Day 1, and already C-bombs have been dropped, cha-chas have been exposed, and punches have been thrown.
And you know what, you dirty little hamsters? It's damn good to be back.
With those fateful words, the third season of mankind's greatest social experiment officially began. Jersey Shore is back, you dirty little hamsters — so let's dive right in!
We'll skip the introductions because, well, let's face it: if you're reading this, you probably already know that Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is a renowned astro-physicist working on cutting-edge research with dark matter, or that Mike "The Scenario" Sorrentino is an acclaimed zoologist who moonlights as a pediatric AIDS physician. Instead, we'll briefly focus on the new girl, Deena Cortese, a sometimes dental hygienist and waitress with a penchant for drinking her weight in grain alcohol and showing off her cha-cha.
Deena is Snooki's bestest BFF in the whole world (presumably because both easily fit into the overhead compartment of any mid-sized aircraft), and was handpicked by the bouffanted-one herself to appear as a cast member for Season 3. That's right, folks — we live in a Snooki-centric world, where The Snooki calls the shots.
Anyway. With the salty smell of summer swiftly descending upon them, Snooki, Deena, and the rest of the cast jumped into their respective BMWs and headed toward the Disney World of the Tri-State area, Seaside Heights. Gruesome twosome Ron and his miserable mistress, Sammi Sweatpants, were the first to arrive at the beach house, and wasted no time in awkwardly marking their foul territory on the prized second-floor bedroom that accommodates 3 people — which, sorry, is probably the cruelest thing that these two tool bags could have done to their poor housemates. After all, watching an obnoxiously co-dependent couple rotate between fighting and fornicating might sound like great roommate behavior for somebody who's just been released from a cripplingly long prison sentence — but frankly, we'd much rather sleep on the boardwalk with all of New Jersey's drunks and crazies, thank you very much.
As they slowly piled into the house, the rest of the housemates quietly echoed our Sam/Ron frustrations. The last to arrive was none other than The Scenario who, by default, was forced to bunk with the world's most undynamic duo — a cruel and unusual punishment which we hope plays out nicely throughout the remainder of the season.
After the housemates spent no more than three minutes dumping the contents of their suitcases into the glorified pine coffins they call rooms; after Vinny introduced the world to the most emasculating shower caddy ever; and after Snooki forced America to learn the pet name of her green, Snooki-sized personal vibration apparatus (it's called Elmo, btw), it was finally time for the housemates to unwind.