Know what we asked the Gossip Girl fairy for? A juicy storyline for Eric, more Dan-Blair banter, and someone to shove Damien against a wall. And she delivered! It’s true — you just have to leave waffles under your pillow and she will come. Let us share the bounty she’s brought to us all in Season 4, Episode 13: “Damien Darko.”
Dan and Blair continue to accidentally be besties, but it’s totally against their will. Despite their grudging appreciation for the fact that they are the only two people in their circle with even an ounce of culture, their new friendship is put in jeopardy when they both land internships at shmancy fashion magazine W. Rather than admit that — hey — it might be nice to have someone you know at a stressful internship, they decide that one of them must leave, and agree that whoever brings the most famous author to a W party will be the last Upper East Sider standing. Dan, convinced that Blair will sabotage him, pre-sabotages her by uninviting her chosen author Lorrie Moore. Blair, however, was on the up-and-up for once (and she got her internship through sheer pluck, while Dan used Lily’s connections. It’s like they switched personalities!), and she responds by screeching, pulling his hair, and throwing him to the floor of the party (OK, they haven’t entirely switched). They are both fired, but a repentant Dan calls their boss and gets Blair her job back. And the Dan/Blair Friendship Express is once more chugging along. To Fiery Disasterville...
Serena has that gleam in her eye again. That gleam that says, “Let’s be friends! I want to help you... into mah pants!” This time — of course — it is directed at Ben, who understandably wants no part of the gleam, since it was that very gleam that sent him to prison for five years. Lily also tries to interrupt the path of that gleam by bribing Ben to leave her family alone. Unfortunately, she only succeeds in alerting her family that she is once more getting all secretive and bribey. Her kids are super annoyed, as is Rufus. He doesn’t leave her, probably because he just unpacked his suitcases from last time. However, when Ben gives Eric some fatherly advice about staying away from drugs, Rufus decides to give him the greatest gift a Humphrey can give: A key to the loft. We’d like to take this moment to remind everyone that Ben once had the Captain beaten into the hospital. And now he’s going to live in Rufus’s house. Yay!
Eric actually needed the “Just Say No” talk, because he’s become one of Damien Delgaard’s customers. E goes to D for adderall, sleeping pills, and companionship, since Eliot apparently dumped him and he failed to tell anyone. Eric even blows off his sweet ex Jonathan to score some drugs! But when S catches Eric and Damien transacting, Eric pretends that Damien’s his new boyfriend. Yeugh. Worst cover story ever. Ben, who is apparently all about protecting the youth now, threatens Damien and tells him to steer clear of Serena’s family, but Damien decides to be poisonous again and calls Eric to hang out. On the one hand: Oh no! Eric is lonely, bitter, and on drugs! On the other hand: Yay! A plot for Eric!
Speaking of criminals, the Captain has accepted Thorpe’s job offer. Chuck and Nate are understandably wigged, to the point that Chuck tries to leverage his sex buddy Raina Thorpe to get the Captain fired. Raina out-Chucks Chuck and refuses to give him a hint of help in the business realm. When the Captain gets wind of Nate’s betrayal, he gets all hurt that the son he left homeless as a teenager (due to his coke addiction and criminal behavior) doesn’t trust him. He leaves Nate’s loft, goes to Thorpe and promises him his complete loyalty. Hopefully he’ll go back to his old ways and bring down Thorpe’s empire the only way he knows how: Through incompetence.