"Oh I definitely want to try again with Vinny. I actually named his penis Moby Dick." —Snooki, Jersey Shore Season 3, Episode 10
The last two Jersey Shore episodes may very well have been the happiest days of our lives. With the demonic presence, known only as Sammi Sweatpants, banished to the raised-ranch hell of Misery, NJ, the housemates — and, indeed, the viewers — were free to bask in the glory of a drama-free existence. Sadly, though, all good things must come to an end, and this week saw the inevitable return of the sweatpants tyrant.
"I, like, was so hystatic!" Deena said of Sam's return. Bless your little heart, Deena. Bless your dumb, inarticulate heart. Ron, on the other hand, was less than "hystatic"about Sammi's unannounced arrival — so unhystatic, in fact, that linguistic savant Deena might even have describe his state of mind as "crestsaddened," or "melanmoody".
After the girls regaled Sammi with tales of Ron's non-stop tear-fest; after Pauly and The Scenario did a spot-on impression of Sammi's co-dependent cray-sanity ("Where's Rawn? Who was he tawlkin' to?!); and after Snooki made Vinny promise not to bring home any strays, the re-united house headed over to — where else — Karma.
At the club, Ron followed Sam around like a big, pathetic puppy-dog — telling her that she looks beautiful, and asking if he's smothering her. And just so you know, Ron, if you continuously have to ask someone if you're smothering them, the answer is always "yes." And in a strange and truly remarkable break from tradition, Sammi actually told Ron to give her some space. There were no tears, no hysterics; she simply kept her cool, and politely asked Ron to let her do her own thing. Frankly, we were floored. We're still kind of floored. Where is the old Sammi that we know and hate?!
And as Ron tucked his tail between his legs and moped all the way home, Vinny and Pauly were picking up a pair of DTF Dominicans. In a confessional, Vinny told us that he likes Dominican girls because "they got big butts," and because they "got that flavor that an Italian guy needs." Which, when you look at all the other horribly racist things that've been said in the past week (John Galliano: we're looking at you, pal!), Vinny's comments kind of seem...slightly less offensive? Anyway, despite his promises to the contrary, Vinny brought his big-butted Dominican friend home for a little how-do-you-do. Which, of course, happened 3 feet across from where Pauly busily smashed his own one-night-stand — proving once again that these guys have the kind of horrifyingly lax, and strangely homoerotic, sexual policies generally reserved for freshman dorm rooms.
Snooki, who had spent the entire night at the club telling Sammi about her undying love for Vinny and his Moby Dick, drunkenly stumbled home, barged into Vinny's room, caught him in flagrane delicto with Miss Dominican Republic, and promptly had an emotional meltdown of epic proportions. Sam tried to counsel a hystatic Snooki, but the pint-sized guidette was inconsolable. And, frankly, if somebody as clueless and insane as Sammi Sweatpants were trying to offer us relationship advice, we'd probably sob uncontrollably, too. We'd sob uncontrollably, and then fling ourselves to the bottom of the icy cold sea, like at the end of our favorite book, Moby Dick. Spoiler!
Meanwhile, Bowwoww and Deena staggered halfway home until Bowzer — who's already peed in public once this season — decided that, like a stray dog, she just had to relieve herself in someone's driveway. Except, like a stray dog, she completely missed the pavement and urinated all over Deena's foot. When the girls finally arrived home, and dried off Deena's foot with a few sheets of paper towel, they hobbled into the bedroom, where Snooki lay sobbing. And despite the girls' best, semi-coherent efforts, nothing could assuage Snooki's sorrow. Nothing, but the white, warm flesh of Moby Dick.
The next day, all of the housemates (except Snooks, who remained hysterically heartbroken and hungover) headed over to Seaside Bowlarama for a much-needed distraction from their booze-induced headaches. And while the others bowled and laughed, Sammi cornered Vinny and started lecturing him about his relationship with Snooki. Because if anybody should be doling out relationship advice, it should be the girl who punched and threatened to kill her on-again, off-again boyfriend. Anyway, after the gang returned home, Vinny took Sam's advice and meekly approached a bed-ridden Snooki. But from deep beneath the depths of her boundless duvet covers, Snooki rebuked Vinny's gentle words, banishing him from her sight.
Disgustingly, the toilet situation had become just as foul and unbearable as the whole Ron and Sammi situation. Frustrated with the boys' futile attempts at salvaging the clogged commode, Bowwoww finally broke down and called the professionals. When the juicehead plumbers finally arrived the next day, Snooki, temporarily mended from her heartbreak, flirtatiously escorted them to the brown and bubbling bowl. And really, this is the difference between Snooki and any sane person with a shred of dignity: whereas a normal person would embarrassedly point in the general direction of the toilet fiasco, then shamefully flee to another room, Snooki proudly paraded around the festering atrocity — gleefully boasting that the john has been jacked for 2 weeks, and then cheekily asking the men to show her their plumbers' cracks.
Yikes. Anyway, the plumbers eventually waded through the multiple layers of mire (earlier, Ron had exclaimed "Somebody took and extra sh*t in it!" — which, really, is information we could have easily lived without) and discovered that the culprit of Toiletgate 2011 was none other than a soggy T-shirt. Yes, one of the brainiacs had actually tried to flush an entire article of clothing down the toilet. Words fail. The housemates quickly deduced, by the size of the shirt, that the offending tee belonged to none other than Moby Dick himself — a claim which Vinny vehemently denied. So yes, congratulations, Vinny: you are now officially the stupidest, and dirtiest, little hamster of all.
That night, Snooki, Sam, and Ron decided to pull the mother of all stunts on the prankmeister himself, The Scenario. Impishly, the trio spread and grated a medley of cheeses — both soft and hard, sharp and mild — under the fitted sheet on Mike's bed, a place the grotbag was surely never to look. Later, The Scenario returned from the club with a busted female companion (Sam sensibly said that Mike must have been wearing beer goggles, which was the second clever and astute thing that she said in this episode — nay, in this lifetime); and though he tried his best to seduce his new squeeze, Mike was ultimately unable to rise to the occasion, due largely to the strange and overpowering smell of dairy — an odor which he erroneously attributed to his date's poor hygiene. The next morning, The Scenario unfolded the terrible tale of his foul-smelling dairy maid to the rest of the house, completely unaware that the real culprit was a bed full of day-old Gruyere.
And while the rest of the housemates listened to Mike's tales of woe, Vinny once again tried to comfort an emotionally bruised Snooki. The pair sheepishly laughed about their days-long tiff, and half-heartedly resolved to move forward, as friends. In a misguided attempt at humor, the ever-tactful Vinny stupidly joked about bringing home other girls. Snooki smiled, and bravely tried to laugh off Vinny's ill-conceived taunt. But as the credits began to roll, the little meatball promised herself — silently, secretly — that somehow, someway, Vinny would be hers, all hers. And like Mellville's ill-fated Captain Ahab, Snooki vowed that, no matter what, she would hunt, harpoon, and capture Moby Dick, or else she would die trying.
Vote Now! Who Was In the Wrong: Snooki or Vinny?