Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO    
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True Blood

Vampires: True Blood’s Beast Of The Week

True Blood might be all about witches, werewolves, and fairies these days, but we still love ourselves a vampire. We can’t wait to sink our fangs into season 4, but let’s dig a little deeper. We know that vamps make the best boyfriends ever, but sometimes love bites!

Here are 10 need-to-know facts about vamps:

1. So you want to become a blood sucker? Here’s how! Find a hot vamp who you have a crush on. Convince him to drain your blood within an inch of your life. Replenish your fluids by drinking his blood. Sleep in grave over night –– and voila! It’s all so beautiful. Tear.

2. Vampires need your blood to survive. Or Japanese-made Tru Blood, but who wants to live on that junk? If a vampire goes without snacking on your upper thigh for too long, they become fatigued. Vamps love to feed off of necks, wrists and ... um ... certain lady parts.

3. They sleep in the ground during the day. Vampires need their beauty sleep, just like us. How else do you think Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) keeps that handsome face glowing? If vamps don’t nap, they get “the bleeds,” wherein they drip blood from their nose, ears, and eyes. Ew.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO    

4. Vampires have no internal organs –– they’re just made out of red bloody goo! We have proof: When vamps die they just explode all up in our faces. So does that mean Eric’s bulging muscles are actually just coagulated blood clumps or something? Say it ain’t so!

5. The only way for vamps to die is if they meet the “true death.” Which is getting staked by wood, being blown up, frying in the sun, or having their head chopped off. Oh, also they’re allergic to silver, can’t enter peoples homes without an invite and are weakened by Hep D. (PS: There’s no way Eric hasn’t contracted a nasty case of Hep D with all that human tail he’s chased through the centuries.)

6. Eighty percent of vamps don’t survive their first year. Noobie vampires are stronger than men, but much weaker than old school vamps, so they’ve got to hone their skills! Practice makes perfect, so polish your canine teeth and give your BF a love bite!

7. They self-heal to the extreme. Tara bludgeoned Franklin’s crazy head to a pulp, but the psychotic vamp still came back to life. Too bad the whole-self healing is a major bummer for Jessica’s sex life. Just saying.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO    

8. They have enhanced skills. Vampires are super fast and can fly, but you Truebies already knew that. Also, vamps are very talented in the bedroom (or dungeon) –– like six-hours long talented. We have some concerns for human ladies on the receiving end, but you know … these things happen.

9. They’re glamour-ous. If a human doesn’t offer herself up as a snack, a vamp can just glamour her into it! But be careful, guys –– over-glamouring can get you a one-way ticket to crazy-ville.

10. They cry tears of blood. Vamps might pretend to be all strong, but we can’t think of one of them who hasn’t cried. And they claim they don’t have hearts! Psshhhh, whatever. These blood suckers just need a hug! (Our arms are wide open, Eric.)