Let’s start things off with Secret Life’s most sexually confuzzled couple: Jack and Madison. Jack’s having a rough time trying to figure out whether he wants to make out with Madison or Grace, so he turns to his pop for help. After daddy Jack uses some inspiring lingo (expect to hear the phrase “It’s all on the natch” a lot in the future), Jack forgets about the Cookie Monster and gets frisky with Maddy in Ricky’s pad. It’s about time!
So how was the sex? Madison describes it as “interesting,” and by that she means that Jack cried all over her hot bod. Could it really have been that bad?
Jack thinks that he’ll be stuck with Madison for the rest of his life now that he’s sexed her. We would reassure him, but this IS Secret Life. Maddy’s probably pregnant with, like, a million of Jack’s babies right now. Luckily, Madison’s on the same page as Jack and they decide to stop having sex, but still be boyfriend-girlfriend. Huh?
Well, at least Jack won’t be running back to Grace anytime soon, since she and Grant are more in love than ever. It’s getting sort of ew; they’ve taken to making out in front of Kathleen and Tom, causing them and everyone else to majorly eye-roll. But there’s trouble in paradise! Grace finds out that Grant is still friends with his ex-girlfriend and she’s super pissed. Grace might be upset that she’s sloppy seconds, but we can’t wait to meet Grant’s ex!
Grace isn’t the only Bowman who’s having romance probs. Her bro, Tom, is more lovesick than ever! He still has feelings for Adrian (remember that whole thing?), but that doesn’t stop him from giving her some much-needed advice about her pre-wedding blues. Aw, Tom. We need to find this cutie a girlfriend, stat!
If You're Having Girl Problems, I Feel Bad for You, Son!
At this point, Ricky is so desperate to jump Amy’s bones that he’ll do anything to sex her — even get his romance on! Counselor Katelyn overhears a frustrated Ricky trying to get into his girlfriend’s pants and she suggests that he turn on the charm. Too bad it doesn’t exactly go as planned. (BTW, way to keep these kids from getting knocked up, Katelyn.)
You see, Amy is super peeved that Ricky let Jack pop Maddy’s cherry in his bachelor pad. She refuses to sleep in Ricky’s used bed, but let’s get real: This stud’s had sex on every piece of furniture in his house. Even the kitchen counters are a danger zone. He should probably just redecorate (and possibly disinfect) his entire apartment.
While Ricky contemplates his girl probs, Nora and her ball n’ chain make out on his couch and announce their plans to get hitched! Awww, Secret Life is so progressive. Nora’s thrilled that Ricky got an interview at his no. 1 college, but Amy’s worried. Will Ricky reject her and baby John for a bunch of keg guzzling frat girls?
Don’t count on it! Ricky finally realizes that all Amy wants is a little reassurance about their relationship, so he tells her that he’s in it for the long haul — no matter where he goes to school! He also wants to take Amy on a romantic mini-vaycay so they can “talk all night.” OMG!
Things are always dramalicious with the Secret Life teens, but last night, the parental units were up to all kinds of naughty fun!
George puts on his most mid-life crisis-y leather jacket and scores a hot date with Leo’s assistant, Camille.Too bad she’s a no-show! Luckily, Kathleen swings by to pick up her to-go order at the same restaurant and she and George do the dirty flirty. She says that she regrets getting re-married and kind of implies that she hopes her new hubby stays in Africa. Middle-aged love connection alert!
Meanwhile, Anne’s getting serious with her high school boyfriend. We can’t wait to see where this goes, but for now let’s turn our attention to the Sausage Kingdom, because something is up with the family meat grinder.
Guys, we’re starting to get a little worried about Leo. When Betty skips out on Badrian’s wedding because the mother of her wandering family of nomads is “dying,” Leo basically loses it. Is this dude OK? He needs meat and he needs it yesterday.
Katelyn bums Adrian and Ben out when she says that they can’t graduate on time because of the baby. No fear, Adrian’s got a plan. She’s going to get a nanny for the baber, and her mamacita will take off work to help! Obvi, Ben and Adrian have no idea how demanding an infant can be. Welcome to a world of vomit, incessant crying and leaky boobs, Adrian.
Badrian seem to have an answer for everything, but how do they feel about their upcoming nuptials? Ben confides in Amy about his cold feet and it’s like: When will these two just admit that 1. Ben’s hair is insane and 2. They are totes horny for each other?
Oh well, the big day is here whether Adrian and Ben are ready or not! And what better way to showcase their un-holy union than with the most epic montage ever, set to “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. Here’s what goes down: Grace and Grant play chess for no apparent reason, Anne dresses way too young for her age, Camille and Leo get drunk while George creepily watches them through a window, Ricky brings Amy a bunch of red roses and — !!!! — Adrian and Ben put a ring on it!
SOB. Are you crying yet?
After an adorable reception at Grant High, Mr. and Mrs. Boykewich settle into their condo for a night of wedded bliss ... but we’re worried about Adrian. Girlfriend’s having trouble sleeping, has no appetite and says that something “doesn’t feel right.” Is there something wrong with her baby bump?
Tune in next week for an unforgettable Secret Life season finale to find out!