Instead, Ashley Hebert ends the episode thinking her favorite bachelor left the show just because he missed his daughter. Worse, he leaves the door open to come back or at least call her sometime to hook up. (Barf.)
How do you think Ashley’s chosen one feels watching her gush over this pig, saying she thought Bentley would be the one in the end? She said she fell in love with Bentley. She wanted him to be her husband. Are they laughing about how it’s all in the past or does her final guy feel as disgusted as everyone else — at Bentley, but also at Ashley for being so childish and at the show itself for hanging their star out to dry?
Bentley definitely comes off badly on Episode 3, but so does Ashley and — gasp! — our Prince William “Ding Dong” Holman. William may have been right about the definition of a “roast,” but way off in terms of remembering the purpose of the show — falling in love with the girl, not auditioning for the next Comedy Central tour.
That roast was such a bad idea. But at least we learn that 60 percent of guys are boob guys and most of them don’t seem to mind if the ladies buy their boobage. (Any love handle guys out there? No?)
Read on for a full recap of a very dramatic, depressing and infuriating Episode 3:
Fast-talking Bency, who sounds a lot like Patrick Dempsey, gets the dancing date he wanted. They start with Ashley teaching him dance steps in some rehearsal studio. They seem to have less natural chemistry than most Dancing With the Stars celebs have with their pro partners. Which is too bad, since Ben is one of the good ones. But he says watching her do something she loves makes her “miles more attractive” to him. That bodes ill for how he felt before the date.
They go to an outdoor mall and Ashley says they should do their dance in public. He doesn’t know the hundreds of people around them are part of a flash mob. They all dance to Far East Movement's “Like a G6.” Bency has so much fun he decides Ashley is the kind of girl he could spend the rest of his life with. If you say so! Far East Movement performs for them and they dance. They both seem more into the song than each other. It’s a bit awkward. The crowd makes them kiss, which is very Wills & Kate of them.
That night at dinner, motor-mouth Bency reveals himself to be a hopeless romantic who wants to live in an unrealistic and idealistic bubble where he and his wife are more in love than anyone else. He doesn’t ask for much!
It’s cute, though, when he asks her for a second date, saying in the real world he’d be trying to figure out how to text her to keep in touch. He gets a rose and a kiss.
When Jeff realizes he’s not getting a one-on-one date, he finally sees it’s way past time to reveal his face. So, before the group date, he pulls Ashley aside and makes a meal out of just taking the dang mask off. He says he’s starting to have feelings for her, which comes out of nowhere and sounds like a joke. When he finally takes the mask off, the show flashes to a bird and a squirrel for some reason.
“Hi, I’m Jeff,” he says as he unmasks. Ashley tells the cameras she thinks Jeff is cute, but he’s a lot older than she expected.
Then… nothing. It’s pretty anticlimactic. Seriously, dude, you should’ve just taken the thing off after you introduced yourself on the premiere. Then maybe you wouldn’t get that Phantom of the Opera organ music as your theme song. And birds pooping as editorial comment.
And here the drama begins. They head to a comedy club and meet roastmaster Jeffrey Ross. Jeff says they thought it would be “fun” to roast Ashley. D’oh! Jeff says the trick is to not hold back, because Ashley can handle it. Has he met her? Has anyone met this girl?
William and Jeff are excited. They both fancy themselves comedians. Ames is traumatized. The men strategize and decide their best bet is to take jabs at each other and save softballs for Ashley.
William, on the other hand, is on an entirely different show. He thinks this is his moment. He wants to impress Jeffrey Ross and roast a celebrity in a couple of months. (Not likely, man!) He shows off his scary laugh when promising he’s finally going to be “real” with Ashley. Has he been fake with us this whole time?
Lucas set the tone by only lightly roasting the guys and not Ashley at all. Ryan P. isn’t funny, but at least he isn’t cruel. Ames makes a little fake mask and it’s actually pretty funny. Ashley’s fellow dentist Blake is pretty good with his comparisons. Jeff makes a boob comment and that sets a new string of boob comments from Nick and Bentley. Ashley doesn’t mind the breast references. She’s even wearing a low-cut blouse to show off her lack of assets.
Meanwhile, William is getting pissed that everyone is being so soft. He tells everyone “I thought I was signing up to be with Emily or Chantal and then Ashley's there. Really. Who gives a sh*t.” Bentley tells the camera he agreed with William, but he wouldn’t say that to Ashley’s face, ‘cause that’s stupid.
Yes, much smarter to say it behind her back so only the rest of America hates you.
At this point, sensitive Ashley runs and cries in the corner. Bentley sees Ashley being vulnerable and makes his smooth move to comfort her. She tells Bentley she thought guys would turn around and go home when they found out she was the Bachelorette. They both giggle about her small boobs. In a sincere world, this would be a sweet speech. So it does make sense that she would be drawn to him, but he’s already made it clear that he’s not attracted to her.
Blake tells the camera that at one point during the roast William said he wished Emily was the Bachelorette. Why didn’t we see him say that?
Ashley sits with the guys — with tears in her eyes — and she tells them that, when she was approached to be on the show, she was insecure that the guys would be disappointed in her. How was William supposed to know boob jokes were okay, but Bachelorette jokes were not?
William sits with Ashley. He doesn’t make things better by admitting he went for the jugular because he wanted to make the audience laugh. He wasn’t thinking about her feelings. He knows he said all the wrong things at the wrong time and there’s no way he can make it up to her. He wants to pack up his things and go home. Is he just saying this because he wants to go home and wants an easy way out? He doesn’t even try to make her feel better. He wants her to talk to the other guys and have them cheer her up. “Go talk to them,” he says.
That’s the worst part. Sure, he’s not as funny as he thinks is, but he could’ve saved it.
Ashley feels beat up as she talks to the other guys. She’s not even listening to them, ‘cause she’s thinking about William. William decides to go back and gets a second chance. We don’t see him make it up to her, though.
Ashley wants to be comforted, but no one can do it. What the heck does she want? Poor Mr. Sunshine, Ryan P., puts on his best sympathetic face as she goes on about her insecurities. He reiterates that she was his top pick. “You are who I wanted.” She should be happy to have this one guy. She’s dang lucky to have this one guy. Why is she holding out for EVERY guy in the house to worship her? Ugh. They kiss.
Ashley is feeling vulnerable and exposed and she decides now is the time to tell Bentley the truth about how she heard, from Michelle Money, that he was there for the “wrong reasons.” She was told he was there just to promote his business and he only expected to be there for a couple of weeks.
Bentley tells her that doesn’t apply to what they have at all. Michelle knows his ex-wife and she’s not a great source of information. (Lies!) She tells him if he does leave it would hurt more than everything that happened last time she was on the show. “I’m totally on the same page with you. I’m following you every step of the way, I promise,” he says. Ashley feels safe and comfortable.
Bentley shares his relief with the cameras. “That was f**king close.” He’s pissed at Michelle for trying to “sabotage” him. Of course he blames someone else. He’s all about playing the game.
Ryan P. gets the rose. It helps Bentley justify checking out. Just let him leave already. He thinks he’s hilarious. Why do all the guys on this season think they’re funnier than they are?
Ashley needs to stop worrying about being a disappointment to the guys and worry about being a disappointment to her female viewers. We don’t need another insecure girl who falls in love within five minutes and sobs if everyone doesn’t worship her.
Listen to this:
Ashley: “I completely fell in love with Bentley last night. … If it was up to me, I would grab Bentley and take off to Salt Lake City, honestly.”
Please. Meanwhile, Bentley is packing. He’s done playing with his toy. He wants to go home. Bentley talks to Jeff as he packs, and their conversation is so fake. Bentley admits he misses his daughter, but he’s not really leaving because of his daughter. He’s just not into Ashley.
The guys applaud Bentley and tell him “you’re a good dad” for leaving to be with his daughter. He tells the camera they are “tools” for believing him. Was he really the frontrunner?
Leaving because he’s not really into Ashley is fine. That’s what guys should do, really. But to lie and say it’s because of his daughter, and to leave his “dot dot dot” door open for a later hook-up? That’s the cruel part. But he doesn’t care. It’s obvious any insults will bounce right off his hair. He’s probably laughing at this from wherever he’s watching it.
Poor Ashley cries and says if it was up to her she’d bring his daughter there to the show. Bentley says his “angel,” his “baby” has his whole heart back at home. If he didn’t have a kid, this would be bad enough. But the fact that he’s using his daughter is just American Psycho.
Bency jokes that maybe Ashley is just sending JP home. JP should just date Bency, because Ashley is crying and sad and totally not into the date. He brings her flowers. (Bring them to us, Cupcake! We appreciate you.) JP tells Ashley from ages 22 to 30 he was single, just having two- to three-month relationships. Then he dated someone for about two years. She worries that she might date him and then he’ll break up with her. It’s a leap of faith.
She puts on comfy sweatpants and glasses and looks like she’s about 12 years old, sitting by the fire. This is not a first date outfit. He likes it, though. But he wants her to stop apologizing. She also needs to stop talking about “disappointing” the guys and worrying that guys will leave.
Somehow JP calls this date “perfect.” He gets a rose. Are his standards that low? She likes his kisses. She should’ve stopped there, but she compares him to Bentley.
“JP over Bentley in the kiss department,” she says. It’s interesting, because in the media screener they showed online earlier this week, she also adds “But Bentley over JP in the heart department.” But ABC deleted that in the version that aired. Hmm....
There is no cocktail party. Instead, Ashley wears some kind of metal shield of a dress as she talks about how Bentley was her guy and this may not work for her anymore. She sits down with Papa Chris Harrison, who wonders what the heck she even saw in Bentley. She can’t answer the question. She doesn’t know. “I think I love that guy,” she says of Bentley. But she says maybe Michelle was right. In her gut, Ash doesn’t think she was right, but it’s possible.
Does Ashley still have “no regrets”? Chris says that “dot dot dot” thing is such a guy thing to say. Chris is not that into Bentley. He promotes the other guys who are still there. Much better guys. Chris probably wants to shake Ashley. She probably needs it.
It’s very late when Chris finally tells the guys there will be no cocktail party. Bency, Ryan P. and JP already have roses at this point.
The next roses go to:
1. Constantine 2. West 3. Mickey 4. Ben F. 5. Blake 6. Nick 7. Ames 8. Lucas 9. William (he apologizes again and says she doesn’t even have to ask if he’ll accept the rose)
Chris Drish and the artist formerly known as Masked Jeff go home. And, of course, Bentley is already gone. Chris D. is shocked that William was kept over him. Chris, somehow, has also decided he would’ve been okay with spending the rest of his life with Ashley.
Jeff is just hamming for the cameras. The casting department needs to do a better job weeding out the obvious fame whores.
Next week, they go to Thailand! Hopeless Ashley has become Hopeful Ashley. It helps that she falls in love very, very easily. And it looks like Ryan P. gets on everyone’s nerves. Why? Uh-oh. Is he Jake The Fake Part II?