It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “You Smell Like Dinner” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
ERIC Ranking: 11 (Last week: 10) Gains: Eric seems to have made himself right at home in Sookie’s pad — that is if you can call a metal shaft home .... Losses: Eric got totally owned by a crazy old lady and her coven of hippies. Not only that, but he seems to have misplaced a perfectly good quilted leather jacket, and oh yeah — his memory. What’s the point of living when you don’t even know the names of your strippers?
JASON Ranking: 10 (Last week: 11) Gains: Crystal, the love of Jason’s life, is back and ready to bang him! Losses: She also wants to make tons of cat babies, and that involves turning him into a werepanther. Wait, is this actually kind of awesome? Maybe Jason should be no. 1!
ARLENE + TERRY Ranking: 9 (Last week: 8) Gains: Awww, their baby is so adorable! We just want to pinch his cute rosy cheeks. But not too hard ... don’t want to anger the little dude. Losses: Their kid might be cute, but he’s clearly trying to murder his parents one exploding eyeball at a time.
HOYT Ranking: 8 (Last week: 9) Gains: Honestly, we can’t think of any gains, other than that this boy looks good in a flannel shirt. He would be in the no. 11 spot if it weren’t for how effed Jason, Eric and Arlene are. Losses: Hoyt is basically the perfect boyfriend. He happily lets his gal suck blood from his neck, and he’s willing to get beaten up to protect her dignity. So how does Jessica repay him? By cheating on him in a bathroom stall. Classy.
TARA Ranking: 7 (Last week: 2) Gains: Tara’s hair still looks stellar. Losses: Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Tara might be living it up cage fighting in New Orleans, but the moment she stepped back into the swampy blood-soaked streets of Bon Temps, she was right back where she started: In the arms of a handsome vampire .... Wait, what does this girl have to complain about again?
JESSICA Ranking: 6 (Last week: 5) Gains: Jessica got to suck some seriously sexy blood, and she seems to be getting in touch with her vamp nature more and more. Work it, Baby V! (And we’re not talking about you, Vanessa Hudgens.) Losses: If Jess isn’t careful, she’s going to lose Hoyt. What a waste of a perfectly good midnight snack.
MARNIE Ranking: 5 (Last week: 4) Gains: Marnie’s shaping up to be the most powerful super to hit up Bon Temps ever! Plus, she has a hot lady living inside her. We can’t wait to see more of her inner babe. Losses: So, she got a little blood drained by Eric — who hasn’t? Frankly, she should be thrilled.
BILL Ranking: 4 (Last week: 1) Gains: Bill is experiencing amazing flashbacks to the 80s. If his “day” dreams are so good, imagine what happens when this vamp goes to slep! His fantasies must be full of spandex, side-pony tails and Olivia Newton John. Losses: Bill’s been looking pretty emo lately. Poor guys misses his Sookeh!
LAFAYETTE Ranking: 3 (Last week: 6) Gains: Lafayette’s taken to braiding his fro-hawk, which looks amazing, and he’s rocking witchy powers that are capable of giving his entire coven the power to overcome Eric. He’s the most powerful wizard since Harry Potter! Losses: We’re worried the day will come when Lafayette will run out of doo-rags.
SAM Ranking: 2 (Last week: 3) Gains: Sam’s spends his evenings hanging out with a hot naked horse-chick who shows up at his work to make out with him at random hours during the day. How could life get better? Losses: Tommy’s jealous of Sam’s new girl, and we have a feeling he’s about to cause trouble.
SOOKIE Ranking: 1 (Last week: 7) Gains: Sookie night life consists of driving down the road and finding hot half-naked men who need a place to stay and a shoulder to cry on. She’s living the dream. Losses: We can’t even keep track of how many people want to kill this girl.