It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “If You Love Me Why Am I Dyin’?” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
BILL Ranking: 1 (Last week: 4) Gains: Two ladies in two days? At the rate Bill’s going he’s going to have fangbanged half of the hillbillies in Bon Temps. Don’t be a player hater, boyfriend’s just trying to get over Sookie. Losses: Bill still occasionally gets that far-off look in his eyes when he’s thinking about his first truebie love and the good old days of bloody shower sex.
ERIC Ranking: 2 (Last week: 11) Gains: While Sookie’s not tucking Eric into bed at night, she’s busy drawing him foot baths and washing his ticklish toes. Oh, and picking up his dinner — a fairy godmother served raw, naturally. Losses: Eric still has no idea who he is, but the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages at this point.
SAM Ranking: 3 (Last week: 2) Gains: Now that Tara is back in town, Sam’s juggling two ladies. We don’t know how this mutt finds time to keep tabs on Merlotte’s ever-growing list of dead waitresses, let alone find time to flirt with Luna and Tara. Losses: Sam’s relationship with Tommy continues to be dramatic. Can’t Sam just throw his bro a doggie bone and swindle Maxine already? God.
HOYT Ranking: 4 (Last week: 8) Gains: Hoyt is blissfully ignorant of Jessica’s imperfections. He’s living the life, one glamour session at a time. Losses: His girlfriend spends her evenings sucking the blood out of hot dudes in a bathroom, while he stays at home with a dirty bald doll as his only companion.
TARA Ranking: 5 (Last week: 7) Gains: Tara totally showed Pam who’s boss when she held her at gunpoint. Look, Pammy: Tara was almost a vampire bride. She knows what’s up. Losses: Instead of whiling away her days cage fighting and sexing up her girlfriend, Tara is spending her evenings pretending to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer. If Tara’s no careful, she’s going to mess up her extensions.
JESSICA Ranking: 6 (Last week: 6) Gains: Jessica can cheat on Hoyt without him ever finding out. Score! Whose blood should she taste next? Losses: Jess clearly feels terrible about how she’s treating Hoyt and the only person who she can go to for advice is a middle-aged vampire king who can’t get through one girl-talk session without becoming all emo about his breakup. Pull yourself together, William.
ARLENE + TERRY Ranking: 7 (Last week: 9) Gains: Their baby finally has a favorite toy! Losses: Their baby’s best friend is another evil baby.
SOOKIE Ranking: 8 (Last week: 1) Gains: Sookie has an adorable vampire roomie who tells her how pretty she is all the time. Plus, she seems to have finally found a pair of shorts that go past her upper thighs. Apparently, miracles do happen. Losses: Her fairy godmother is dead and gone and the only remaining family Sookie has is about to be turned into Werepanther Jesus.
MARNIE Ranking: 9 (Last week: 5) Gains: Marnie seems to have recovered from Eric’s blood-thirsty attack, and she’s also rocking a ring on each finger. Holla to the '90s! Losses: She might have accidentally committed suicide in an attempt to get herself possessed.
LAFAYETTE Ranking: 10 (Last week: 3) Gains: Lafayette has introduced cornrows into the “things to do with a mohawk” rotation, and we couldn’t be happier. Losses: Boyfriend is totally PTSDing about Eric’s attack on the coven, and the situation only gets worse when Pam threatens to kill him in Fangtasia’s basement.
JASON Ranking: 11 (Last week: 10) Gains: There are, like, seven inbred ladies who are ready to bounce him. Losses: He’s about to turn into a Ghost Daddy, which we assume is werepanther-speak for baby daddy to tons of incestuous cubs.