True Blood Power Rankings: Season 4, Episode 4: ”I’m Alive and on Fire”
It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “I’m Alive And On Fire” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
SOOKIE Ranking: 1 (Last week: 8) Gains: Here’s a rundown of Sookie’s day: 1) Watch in awe as Alcide peels off his shirt. 2) Run into a half-naked Viking swimming in a pond. 3) Almost make out with said Viking. 4) Flirtatiously punch a hot werewolf. 5) Win a fight with ex-boyfriend .... Yep, this girl’s on top of the world. Losses: Bill totally cock-blocked her intimate moment with Eric.
MARNIE Ranking: 2 (Last week: 9) Gains: Marnie’s really come up in the world! She’s managed to curse both Eric and Pam, and she might be the most powerful villain to hit Bon Temps. Plus, she has a hot Spanish babe living inside her! Losses: She’s seriously going to mess up her eyes if she doesn’t get that whole flame thing taken care of.
ERIC Ranking: 3 (Last week: 2) Gains: Eric’s lived out every vampire’s ultimate fantasy: day-walking! Not only did Eric get to soak up the sun, he did it while wasted, which is always more fun. And he showed the local alligators who’s boss while he was at it. Losses: Poor Eric spent most of his evening curled up in the fetal position on the verge of tears.
SAM Ranking: 4 (Last week: 3) Gains: Things are going swimmingly with Sam and his MILFtastic girlfriend, and — BONUS! — he got to indulge in his favorite game: Barbie dress-up! Losses: Little does Sam know that his brother has been kidnapped by their parents and might not make it out alive.
HOYT Ranking: 5 (Last week: 4) Gains: Hoyt is still blissfully ignorant of the fact that Jessica cheated on him. Losses: Jessica just gave her blood to the hottest broseph in Bon Temps, which means they’re going to be tied together forever. Oh well, nothing a few more glamour sessions can’t fix, right Hoyt?
JESSICA Ranking: 6 (Last week: 6) Gains: Jessica can cheat on Hoyt without him ever finding out, and it looks like she has her eye on a new man-prize: Jason Stack(ed)house. Losses: Jess will be able to feel Jason’s every emotion, which means she’ll be spending a lot of time being turned on by boobs.
TARA Ranking: 7 (Last week: 5) Gains: Tara’s kicking vampire butt! Losses: Her plan to restore Eric’s memory isn’t exactly going as planned, and she’s basically a third wheel to the adorableness that is Lajayus.
LAFAYETTE Ranking: 8 (Last week: 10) Gains: Other than the fact that he isn’t dead yet, this dude has nothing to be excited about. Losses: Lafayette is in a full-blown state of panic about Eric’s amnesia, and we’re worried he’s going to destroy his collection of bedazzled tank tops in a fit of rage. Don’t do it, Lala! Thank goodness Jesus is Lafayette’s homeboy, otherwise his life wouldn’t be worth living.
JASON Ranking: 9 (Last week: 11) Gains: Jason put his wood-working skills to use and killed Felton with a hand-whittled stick. Then he had a chat with a hot naked cat-girl and got high on vampire blood. Things are looking up! Losses: This stud would be no. 1, but don’t forget: He impregnated most of the ladies in Hotshot and is about to be baby daddy to a bunch of toothless inbreds.
ARLENE + TERRY Ranking: 10 (Last week: 7) Gains: Their baby is a literary genius. Losses: It’s only a matter of time before he masters the hand-eye coordination needed to cast the “Avada Kedavra” spell from Harry Potter.
BILL Ranking: 11 (Last week: 1) Gains: Uhm ... his hair looks good? Losses: Bill found out that he’s been boning his granddaughter. That’s enough to keep him on the bottom of the heap for weeks to come.