It’s officially summer, aka The Best Three Months of Your Life. Characters on True Blood continue to be totally freaky deaky, and now it’s time to figure out which Truebies are on top in the Bon Temps power play.
Check out the most powerful players from “Spellbound” — no. 1 is at the head of the pack!
MARNIE Ranking: 1 (Last week: 1) Gains: Marnie is at the top of her game. She out-smarted Bill and his team of vamps, she became a member of whatever store Damon Salvatore gets his fog machines from, and she got to spend a full 30 seconds petting Jason’s silky blond hair while chanting to him in Latin. Winning! Losses: Unfortunately, while Marnie can do cool things like make her coven invisible, she has yet to master the skills needed to turn on and off a TV.
ERIC Ranking: 2 (Last week: 6) Gains: So far, Sookie and Eric have “made love” in the forest, the hallway, the bed, in front of every mirror in Sookie’s house, and all over a dead animal hide. And it’s only been, what? Three days since they’ve been together? Losses: Marnie bested Eric and forced him into submission so she could stroke his hair. Not the worst thing in the world that could happen to a vamp.
LAFAYETTE Ranking: 3 (Last week: 2) Gains: What can we say? Lafayavis (Lafayette + Mavis) can steal as many babies as she wants and we’ll still love shim. Losses: Lafayette’s body is home to a Satanic-looking witch and a baby obsessed songbird who won’t STFU.
JASON Ranking: 4 (Last week: 4) Gains: Jason saved Jessica’s life and she made out with him as a thank-you present! Losses: Her face was covered in lesions during their spit-swap.
SAM Ranking: 5 (Last week: 7) Gains: Sam spent his evening doing what he loves best: Playing Barbie with a 7-year-old. Losses: Marcus doesn’t like Sam scamming on his baby mama and we have a feeling a bro-off is in the works. Sam better put down the Barbies and lift some weights, because Marcus looks like he could cut a bitch.
SOOKIE Ranking: 6 (Last week: 3) Gains: Sookie and Eric visited a winter wonderland made out of rainbows, glitter and shamrocks, and they made love while riding a centaur. OK, fine. Only the first part of that sentence is true. Losses: Sookie was shot in the stomach and might die. But she sure went out with a (fang) bang!
BILL Ranking: 7 (Last week: 10) Gains: Did you see the way Sookie looked at Bill when she pledged her loyalty to him?! Hard-hearted Hanna’s heart just melted. Losses: Sookeh was shot in the gut and Bill couldn’t help her! Noooooooooo. Someone grab the silver chains, because Bill might commit vampire suicide if Sookie’s dead.
TARA Ranking: 8 (Last week: 8) Gains: Tara shot a vampire in the chest with a wooden bullet. Of course, she almost vomited after, which sort of detracts from her kick-ass cred. Losses: Tara’s life consists of turning on and off the TV for Marnie, and helping her understand they mysterious ways of speaker phone.
ARLENE + TERRY Ranking: 9 (Last week: 5) Gains: They aren’t dead yet. Plus, Arlene’s sporting a trendy pink fanny pack. 90s bonus! Losses: Mavis seems to have gotten Baby Mickey confused with her own child.
JESSICA Ranking: 10 (Last week: 11) Gains: She didn’t over-tan! Losses: She broke up with the sweetest, most faithful brosef in Bon Temps, and then her go-to rebound kicked her out of his house. Where will Baby V live and who will she bump n’ grind with?
HOYT Ranking: 11 (Last week: 9) Gains: Honestly, the only thing this guy has to be excited about is that Jessica didn’t kill him IRL. Losses: Jess wanted to break up with him so much that she was literally fantasizing about smashing his head into a piece of furniture.