10. Spencer: [after Hanna’s grandma discusses bathroom issues] “I’m officially done eating. Forever.” Hearing old people talking about their “special areas” is a more effective dieting method than South Beach.
9. Hanna’s mom: [on her mother-in-law] “She gave us a lawnmower for a wedding gift.” She gave a lawnmower as a gift to Hanna’s mom? That’s like giving a reading lamp as a gift to Hanna.
8. Maya: “Relax — I’m not leaving before I get my calamari.” You’re familiar with the phrase “Give me freedom or give me death”? Well, Maya apparently lives by the motto “Give me appetizers or give me death,” which is a lot less idealistic.
7. Hanna: [to Caleb] “I’m just jealous of anything getting that close to you.” What we wouldn’t give to trade places with Caleb’s wetsuit for an hour or two.
6. Hanna’s grandma: [to Hanna] “Look at your pretty mama, all dolled up like Condoleezza Rice.” If Condi is her fashion icon, we need to get Hanna’s grandma a subscription to Vogue, stat.
5. Hanna’s grandma: “What’s ‘happy’? Cows are happy, and they end up as sloppy joes.” If eating grass and swatting flies all day really makes cows happy, then they might need to raise their standards a bit.
4. Hanna’s grandma: [about giving birth] “Tom was trouble from the start — he was like passing a frozen turkey.” Thanksgiving is about to become super-awkward for the Marin family.
3. Hanna: [about the bathroom] “You know, I want to live in here.” You know, Hanna, most people dream of living in Hawaii, not in a bathtub. (Translation: Nothing wrong with dreaming big occasionally, girl.)
2. Maya [to Emily]: “[Paige] shoved your head underwater, and you still dated her? Girl, I came back just in time!” We agree, Maya. For a while there, Emily had worse relationship luck than Charlie Sheen’s goddesses have.
1. Hanna’s grandma: “I need just need to wipe the dew from my lily.” This quote almost makes a “pull a Hanna” by puking on the spot. (And yes, we’re trying to make “pull a Hanna” a thing. Just go with it!)