Today’s ep picks up right where Episode 12 left off, with Bruce Jenner and Kim’s NBA beau Kris Humphries hittin’ some balls on the golf course. For those of you not up to speed, in the last few minutes of Episode 12, Kris asked for Bruce’s permission to marry Kim. We weren’t totally sure Bruce was into the idea, judging by his sideways smirk the minute before the ep cut off. But we soon find out the former Olympian more than supports another athlete marrying into the fam. And he loves that Kris came to him – and not Mama Kris Jenner – for permission. Maybe Kris Humphries can win this brood over after all?
But as we all know, nothing in this family can stay a secret from Kris Jenner for long. After their 18 holes, Bruce and Kris Humphries return to the Jenner household, where Mama Kris greets Humphries Kris with a hug and a kiss. (Anybody else so sick of all the Kris’, and K’s, yet?) Wow, that relationship has come a long way since Bora Bora! Anyway, the boys decide to fill Mama J in on their secret, and she’s so elated she bursts into tears. That’s a good sign, right? After the waterworks, Mama J goes into full-on Momager mode and wants all the deets. Er, wants to work out all the deets herself, that is. She asks in that very serious whisper-voice of hers, “How are we going to ask Kim to marry us?” Um, what’s up with the plurals, Mama J?
Later, Kris Humphries regurgitates some food into Kim’s mouth before telling her he has lunch plans with her mom. (Is that symbolic? Maybe.) Johnathan Cheban, of E!’s Spin Crowd, has Kim’s engagement ring, and Humphries is supposed to meet him to get it. But of course, Humphries can’t go alone; Mama J decided she needs to get in on this ring exchanga-roo, too. Just to make sure everything goes off without a hitch. When the trio sit down at some fancy schmancy place to dine and hand off the crown jewels, Johnathan doesn’t have the ring. Apparently it’s so expensive it has to be shipped via a very special Brinks truck.
At first glance, it looks like our plotting triad are the only customers in said fancy schmancy place, but Mama J thinks the foreign couple seated multiple tables away might “be onto” them. But don’t worry, Mama’s got the perfect way to throw them off so Kim’s engagement doesn’t get leaked to the press (even though at least this time it’d be after Bruce already knew about it): code names! Mama J dubs the engagement “Operation Pumpkin,” like Cinderella. And the ring is a “mouse,” and the Brinx truck carrying Kim’s ridiculously priced finger bling is the “carriage.” Get it? So, here’s how Operation Pumpkin’s gonna go down: Mama J will sign for the “really big mouse” when the “carriage” arrives at the family-owned Dash store. But she better hurry!
Meanwhile, Khloe, whose charm and wit and comic relief we missed dearly while the fam was in Bora Bora, is stocking shelves and – gasp!– actually working at her Dash store. Who knew? Anyway, Operation Pumpkin isn’t quite going as planned, since the “mouse” has already been delivered and Khloe had to sign for it. Luckily, Mama J’s on her toes and cooks up some lie about how mysterious package is actually a surprise for Khloe – and insists she can’t say any more. Khloe says she “feels awkward” about surprises, but we actually feel kinda bad that she’s going to be anticipating some awesome present that will never come. Wa wa. But Mama J doesn’t seem to care. She runs out the door, $2 million rock in her perfectly-manicured hands, and Khloe collapses on the Dash floor before uttering some obscenities. We love this family.
As Mama J waddle-runs to her car, she calls Kris Humphries who says paparazzi are on them like white on rice, so instead of meeting in front of the Dash store as Operation Pumpkin called for, they need to meet somewhere more discreet. The solution? A pow-wow around back of the Jenner house (or is it Kim’s house? Can anybody ever really tell?). While this seems like it could be dangerous due to proximity to the bride-to-be, apparently Kim’s too busy getting gussied up for some photo shoot or something to notice she’s got some backyard visitors, not of the rodent kind. When the duo open the package and get a good look at the rock inside, Mama J lights up like a Christmas tree. You’d think the thing was for her!
And then, the night has come! Or so we think. NBA Kris tells Mama J he wants to propose to Kim over a special dinner, and he tells Kim he has a surprise for her. So obvs, this means he’s proposing at this very dinner, right? Wrong. On the way to said surprise dinner, Kris and Kim get into a little tiff over money. Here’s the gist: Kim is fancy (huh?) and Kris is frugal (read: realistic). This isn’t a huge fight, but he does tell Kim she’s out of touch with reality, which we think is kinda rude. (In his defense, she called his NYC abode “a college dorm.” But in her defense, Kim’s just keepin’ it Kardashian.)
After their minor battle, the kute kouple finally arrive at the restaurant and lo and behold, it’s a family affair! But of course Mama Kris has to be there when NBA Kris proposes! Plus, Kris’ sister Kaela is in town, so there’s really no better time. But Kris tells the camera he’s not sure he wants to get down on one knee after their awkward pre-dinner fight. So, in an effort to ease the tension, he purposely avoids eye contact with Mama J who is practically having a heart attack on the other side of the table in anxious anticipation of Kris popping the question. Kris does stand up to make a toast, and we think “This is it!” – but then he sits back down, ring box still in pocket. But seriously, proposing in front of an entire family? That’s a lot of pressure!
Mama Kris confronts Kris after his non-proposal toast and says. “You’re making me crazy, dude.” Kris tells her about his earlier spat with Kim, and Mama gets it. Later in the car, Kris opens up to sister Kaela about his cold feet. But Kaela, like all good sisters, has some reassuring advice. She says she knows Kim’s the one for him, and suggests he take some of the pressure off by, um, singing his proposal to her instead. She then proceeds to belt out “Will you marry me?” in some high-pitched tone that would make Simon Cowell. Seriously, If Kris sounds anything like his sis, singing probably isn’t the way to go.
Kris decides to propose to Kim in her bedroom. Intimate, cozy, and private (besides, you know, the camera crew). He goes all out, too. There’s rose petals on the bed that spell out “Will you marry me?” and a whole array of burning candles and other sweet surprises. Now all there is to do is get down on bended knee – which Kris does, even though he’s profusely sweating. After what feels like forevs, we finally hear the celebutante princess clomp-clomping up the stairs – and even our hearts are racing at this point. The bodacious brunette slowly opens her bedroom door and after getting a good look at the flower message, says, well, nothing. She’s stunned! Eventually, she says “Oh My God” over and over for a few seconds, and when he pops the question, it takes her a minute to finally squeeze out a “yes” which is good, ‘cause, well we don’t really know what “Oh My God” means. After she gives confirmation, Kim and Kris stare longingly into each other’s eyes – and by eyes we mean at her colossal-sized sparkler – and she continues to repeat, “Oh my god.” Yeah, OK. We get it. It’s a big ass ring.
Then, it’s time to fill in the rest of the KDash klan, and conveniently, there’s a family BBQ later that day. Funny thing, though, Kim and Kris don’t even have to make a formal announcement about their engagement because Kim oh-so-playfully holds her bigger-than-a-rocketship ring up by her face where everyone can see. And do they see! But there is a moment of confusion when Kris tells everyone it’s a joke. Uh, what? It’s cool, though, Kim just swears “Bible” a few times, and Kris assures everybody it’s “for real,” and the congratulations pour in. And so do the mini ponies, which Mama J brings out to show Kris for some unknown reason. We guess there’s no better way to celebrate an engagement than with tiny animals? That’s how the saying goes, right?
After dinner, newly engaged Kris is talking to Lamar, a.k.a. his future brother-in-law, and Lamar assures him he won’t have to worry about a damn thing for the wedding, ‘cause well, you know. Mama J’s got this.