Credit: Mathieu Young/The CW ©2011 The CW Network, LLC.    
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America's Next Top Model

America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17: All-Stars Recap: Kristin Cavallari

ln the third elimination challenge of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17, guest judge Kristin Cavallari prepped the All-Stars for modeling on stilts and taught them how to be a celebrity in Hollywood. You know, because she’s a celebrity!

The models also took a mini-vaycay over to Extra to test their interview skills with none other than A.C Slater (aka Mario Lopez, the genius mind behind H8R)! And get this: The winning team was safe from elimination!

In lieu of a traditional recap, we’ll be ranking the girls (and judges — we see you, too!) based on their charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (oh wait, that’s another show). Check out our ANTM Power Play below, starting with the Top Model loser.

Ranking: 17, Camille
Camille was paired with Isis during this weeks photo shoot, and made all kinds of awkward comments about how she should win because Isis “isn’t a real woman.” We beg to differ. Isis is an even realer woman than Miss J.

Ranking: 16, Alexandria
Called: 1st
Alexandria seems to have recovered from last week’s drekitude-down, but she still spent most of this episode looking various degrees of cuckoo. The good news: She found her inner diva and rocked the shoot. The bad news: Even the photographer was eye-rolling at her.

Ranking: 15, Bianca
After Bianca word-vomited all over Mario Lopez’s dimples, she almost real-vomited when forced to stand on stilts. That’s right, Bianca is even more terrified of heights than she is of spiders, chihuahuas, fat thighs, and Alexandria.

Ranking: 14, Nigel Barker
Poor Nigel spent most of this episode shaking his bald head over the fact that he had to spend an afternoon being mocked by Mario Lopez’s lustrous greased-up locks. Damn you and your buzzer, Tyra!

Credit: Mathieu Young/The CW ©2011 The CW Network, LLC.    

Ranking: 13, Kayla
This girl just can’t win. First she was too lesbian, and now she’s not lesbian enough. At this point we’re thinking she should just throw her stilettos to the wind and go Isis on us.

Ranking: 12, Dominique
Called: 4th
Despite the fact that everyone loved her picture, Dominique was a total snooze during tonight’s episode. We’ll chalk it up to the fact that she pushed some fruit out of her looms just four months ago. Considering she’s a new mom, we’re just happy this girl doesn’t wander around set with leaky boobs and cankles.

Ranking: 11, Laura
Called: 3rd
Laura’s so adorable that she’s borderline boring. C’mon hee-haw, where’s the drama? Isn’t there anyone you’re itching to sucker-punch? Fingers crossed that she’ll have some kind of explosive fight in the coming weeks and redeem herself.

Ranking: 10, Lisa
Called: 2nd
Quick, someone call the fashion police because we need to find a pair of Lisa’s pink fringed pleather pants! And burn them. Someone seriously needs to do an intervention with Lisa. Not only is her fashion criminal, she’s also suffering from some kind of rare tropical disease that causes her to high five everyone in sight.

Ranking: 9, Shannon
Welcome to Part Two in The Saga Of Shannon’s Panties. This week, Shannon broke out a pair of black see-through undies and claimed that they were “bathing suit bottoms.” Maybe she should concentrate on how much of her danger zone is showing rather than semantics. God doesn’t know the difference between Victoria’s Secret Lingerie and Victoria’s Secret Swimwear, Shannon.

Ranking: 8, Isis
For some reason, all the other ladies got to rock bare legs during their photo-shoot and Isis was put in silver lame leggings that even Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t go near. But we do appreciate that she broke out a Kate Middleton-inspired princess hat for the judges’ table. Too bad she got dethroned and sent home. We love you, Ice!

Ranking: 7, Kristen Cavallari
Who knows if it’s all the DWTS practice, but Kiki’s got it going on. She taught the girls the valuable lesson that haters are gonna hate, and in her case, continue to hate. Are you listening, Alexandria?

Credit: Sarah Silver/Pottle Productions Inc ©2011 Pottle Productions Inc.    

Ranking: 6,Tyra Banks
Who else thinks Tyra thought up this stilt challenge to punish her modelstants? How dare they even try to be half as famous as she is? After all, this is the lady who invented the Booty Tooch. Also, can we take a moment to point out that Ty-Ty has worn suspenders in every single episode of All-Stars? Stop trying to make those happen, girl.

Ranking: 5, Allison
Safe, Challenge Winner
Allison seems really worried that people think she’s a huge blood-obsessed freak, but Mario Lopez loves her and that’s really all that matters in this world. However we do suggest that home girl take the dead cat off her head and concentrate on tooching her booty.

Ranking: 4, Bre
Bre seems to have acquired herself some hipster glasses! Clearly, they are to blame for the fact that she was unable to bust out a “buck-eyed crazy smize” during her photoshoot. You’ve failed Queen Tyra, Bre. And one doesn’t upset a woman who might very well be packing heat in her suspenders.

Ranking 3, Jay Manual
Poor Jay is silently crying for help by wearing prison-stripped shirts to photo-shoots. This dude wants to be free of Tyra’s reign of terror so bad.

Ranking 2, Andre Leon Talley
Andre spent most of the judging process giggling to himself while wearing a jaunty boating hat and throwing around phrases like, “I feel like I’m in a cinematic moment of something wonderful!” We feel that way every time we look at you, Andre. You will be missed on Cycle 18.

Ranking: 1, Angelea
Bottom two

Angelea’s night went a little something like this: 1) Attempt to be classy. 2) Recount hidden passion for baking. 3) Explain how strong bitches and weak bitches are in fact the same bitch. 4) Finger wag Nigel Barker. 5) Almost go home. In short, a winner in our hearts.