Most Eligible Dallas? Well get it while it's hot, kids! Because after this, there's only one more dramz-filled episode left.Matt and Courtney Ditch Their Dead Weight
After a frosty, post-disastrous-double-date phone call with Matt
sashays into his office for a mid-day coffee break. Which, of course, is really just another excuse for these two to poo-poo over each others' imaginary relationships. Ms. Kerr breaks the news that Mark is heading home to South Africa for six weeks ("Good" is Matt's all-too-immediate, subtext-less response). She also calls Matt out for having a blah, non-relationship with her frenemy, Neill
. After bashing each others' pretend partners a little bit more, Matt finally asks Court to be his date for his big vanity gala. I mean PR stunt. I mean charity thing. And naturally, she agrees.
Later, after dousing her hair with several cans of Aqua Net, and thoughtfully re-arranging her animal print-theme couch (in which, appropriately, no African creature goes unrepresented), CK has Mark over for a little adios bottle of wine. After Court coquettishly pretends that she'll miss her little South African piece of man-candy, Mark hilariously fires back with a "Well you have Matt" — which, like, well played, sir! Well played indeed. Anyway, the wine date lasts for a mere micro-minute, and though the pair act as if Mark's impending trip is severing some epic romance, I think they both know that it's only a matter of time before Ms. Courtney Kerr makes a mad dash down the aisle to become Mrs. Matthew Nordgren.
Meanwhile, Matt takes Neill on a nighttime gallery date, and, right in the middle of a noisy art installation piece, Matt gently breaks the news that he's not looking for a relationship — least of all one that involves a child. And man, it's hilarious to watch Matt stumble through the conversation — one which he stuffs with the name "Courtney" almost as much as he does with completely disingenuous attempts at chivalry — mostly because Neill seems to be so zen and "Whatever, dude" about the whole thing.Fifth Time's the Charm
So is rootin'-tootin' Jody the man for our girl Tara
? Her ex-fiance, John, certainly doesn't think so (and by the way, if anyone ever questioned whether or not Tara has a type, the answer is a resounding "yes." Let's just say that, after getting an eye-full of John, it's clear that she's not preoccupied with her fellas' looks). During a casual rock-climbing excursion — which is apparently what platonic ex-fiances do together in Dallas? — John calls Tara's bluff, insisting that she's wasting her time with a divorcee. And even though it's ten shades of way harsh, it's also, I dunno, kind of true?
Undeterred, though, Tara heads over to her cowboy's penthouse, where Jody greets her with the famous "Of all the gin joints in all the world..." line from Casablanca
— which would be adorable if it didn't go completely over Tara's dainty little head. Instead, she's more interested in the disgusting-looking lobster and strawberry salad that Jody made (and a quick side note to the Jodester: dude, next time just order a pizza).
After a dinner laced with some serious sweet-talking on Jody's part, the pair head up to his swank roof terrace. Through various botched church-ceremony metaphors, J (painfully!) asks T why she never ended up marrying any of her handful of ex fiances. Because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with any of them, she replies. And in a bold and grand romantic gesture, Jody declares his love for Tara. She replies with an "I love you, too." Except that it wasn't an "I love you" accompanied with a fireworks-like surge of unbridled passion, or the imaginary crescendo of some off-screen orchestra. No, it was a kind of a Marilyn Monroe-esque, squeakily uncertain "I love you" that seemed to imply Jody might soon find himself being ex-fiance number five.Girls Gone Wild: Dallas Edition
Matt's hosting a little pool party to usher in the start of summer. At least I think that's what's going on — frankly, I'm too distracted by the fact that the party's a hell of a lot more Girls Gone Wild
than it is elegant Texan soiree. Tara and Courtney, the only two women not
decked-down in bikinis paired with stilettos, are also completely horrified by what the other party guests are wearing (or, more specifically, what they're not wearing).
— who recently said a smoochy-sad goodbye to his should-be-girlfriend, Rebecca — is politely listening to a rambling, gobbledygook sunglasses story that some blond party-goer, with a remedial grasp of English, was directing at him. And really, even though uber-hunk Michael Fassbender
is receiving some pretty heavy Oscar buzz for his full-frontal performance in the gritty, yet-to-be-released depress-fest Shame
, I really think that Glenn deserves a Best Actor statuette for pretending to listen-slash-care about whatever the hell that sunglasses chick was going on about.
Later, our other sunglasses princess, Courtney, wades through a sea of dental floss bikinis and guys with things like "Butler" tattooed on their backs, and joins Matt by the pool. The pair admit that their respective faux-mances with Neill and Mark are now officially donesville, and CK takes an especially wicked delight in knowing that her name was tossed around during Matt's non-break-up with Neill. But even Courtney's bitchy schadenfreude
can't detract from the insane sexual tension that she and Matt are rocking — and this, at a party filled with barely-clad breasts and overly-tattooed biceps!In Which Cody Tells Drew to F**k HimselfDrew
, who's bravely (read: tragically) wearing what appears to be an un-ironic headband, confides in the poorly named Daylon that he's afraid he's screwed things up with Cody. "Why, what could have happened to my favorite gay gruesome twosome since last we saw them?" you're probably wondering. Well! Drew explains to Daylon that, the previous Sunday, he and Cody were out clubbing together when his (Drew's) mouth accidentally
stumbled onto the lips of this other guy. The kicker, of course, is that Cody was only two feet away, and he was less than pleased to see his quasi-boyfriend sucking face with some skanky rando. And by "he was less than pleased", I obviously mean "he went totally, justifiably berserk".
Taking Daylon's totally obvs and useless advice, Drew later calls Cody to try and reconcile their car crash of a relationship. While tapping his foot a mile a minute like an absurdly jonesing tweaker in need of a mid-day fix, Drew declares that he's "gratefully sorry" — which, like, I'm pretty sure isn't how English speakers apologize. Anyway! Cody — who has no patience for Drew's lack of proper syntax or self-pity — calls his two-timing ex out with what has to be the best verbal smack-down we've seen on this show: "You do this all the time. You turn things around, and you victimize yourself. Poor Drew! Poor drew is so vulnerable; poor Drew is emotional; poor Drew this, poor Drew that. Well f**k you. What about me?"
And of course Drew, sniveling sack of over-privileged man-child that he is, has no real response to Cody's damning assessment, and the failed phone make-up pretty much ends right there. In a voice over, Drew tells us that "I feel like my soul has been put through a meat grinder, shoved back in my body, and ripped out again." And frankly, I'm not sure if he's talking about his feelings, or just another one of those Frankenstein-like fad diets that he's so fond of. Probably the first one, though.Courtney Arrives Late to Matt's Ball (That's What She Said)
It's the night of Matt's big charity ball, y'all! Everyone arrives dressed to the nines — everyone, that is, except for Glenn, who arrives looking like he's going to a hipster hoedown somewhere in Williamsburg. Even though he's putting on a brave smile, it's obvious that Matt's a ball of stress (which, btw, isn't good for those already fragile hair follicles, Matty!) — partly because this is the first philanthropic even that he's ever hosted, but mostly because Courtney is absurdly late. When she finally does arrive (looking positively effervescent, btw), Matt can't help but forgive her (frankly, unforgivable) tardiness. After the snoresville part of the evening finishes, Matt pulls Courtney aside and asks her to go off to his family's lake house — just the two of them! Will these two crazy kids finally, finally
cut the platonic crap and kiss already? Well, we'll just have to tune in to the October 17th finale to find out.
(But, like, duh — of course they're totally going to get it on. Duh times ten.)" alt="Image1" class="image-fit">