Even if this was a list of the New Girl pilot’s top 100 quotes we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
15. Except instead of get murdered, Jess does sexy stuff to the plant
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): So you know in horror movies when the girl is like, “Oh my God, there’s something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what’s going on in the dark,” and you’re like, “What is your problem? Call the police,” and she’s like, “OK,” but it’s too late because she’s already getting murdered. Well, my story’s kinda like that.
14. Don’t knock the healing powers of the late, great Patrick Swayze
Jess (to her new roommates): Full disclosure: I’m kind of emotional right now, ‘cause of the breakup, so I’ll probably be watching Dirty Dancing like six or seven times... a day.
13. Nothing like a bit o’ buffalo sauce to spice up your rack
Nick (Jake Johnson): OK, Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.
12. That’s just downright naughty
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): If you want to forget about Spencer, you’re going to have to do some very bad things with that man right over there.
Jess: How bad?
Schmidt: Real bad, Jess. Real bad.
Jess: Like, uh, makeout sesh no tops?
11. Jess, expert flirt
Peter: I like your glasses.
Jess: They help me see.
10. The guys put a new spin on Big Love
Waitress: You’re all on a date?
Nick: Yeah, we’re her boyfriends. We are reverse Mormons. One man just isn’t enough for her.
9. Subtlety isn’t one of Jess’s strong suits
Cece (Hannah Simone): What’s your stripper name?
Jess: Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name’s Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.
8. Coach gets some tips on how to (not) talk to women
Coach (Damon Wayans Jr.): Shopping — is that fun... for you guys?
Jess: Yeah, shopping’s fun. The other day I bought a pair of jeggings. They look like jeans, but they’re really leggings.
Coach: Uh, uh, you... Who cares? Sorry.
Jess: Um, good job. A couple things you could work on: One, lowering your voice. Two, listening. Three, rage.
Schmidt: Knowing every year that I will be going to the Wild, Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty reminds me that I am still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation, which is not racist, because it’s for a good cause.
6. Schmidt’s chances of hooking up with Cece? Less than zero
Cece: Listen to me, you guys. Jess is by far the best person I know, so if you guys let anything happen to her I’m going to come here and crazy-murder you.
Schmidt: I’m going to be honest with you: I didn’t hear a word you said because I can kinda see your party hats right now.
5. Jess, meet Urban Dictionary...
Jess: Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, but wouldn’t it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat? Then maybe, if you’re super lucky, you might find a girl who’ll motorboat you right back.
Nick (Jake Johnson): I don’t think she knows what motorboating is.
4. What is his deal?
Schmidt (to Cece): You know, are you warm? I’m a little warm right now.
Nick: Don’t, Schmidt. [Schmidt takes his shirt off.]
Cece: Please put your shirt back on. Please don’t make me laugh at you.
3. Even heels can’t dress up overalls
Cece (to Jess): You’ve gotta take off those overalls.
Jess: I was going for, like, a hot farmer’s daughter kind of thing. You know, like, “Oh, I’m going to go milk my cows. With my bucket.”
Cece: Take ‘em off.
2. And red wine makes us...
Jess: Pink wine makes me slutty.
1. One word: adorkable
Schmidt (on getting Jess back into the dating scene): I’ll be, like, your guide.
Jess: Like Gandolf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: First of all, let’s take the Lord of the Rings references, and let’s put them in a deep, dark cave where no one’s going to find them ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. He lives in a cave.