Top 15 New Girl Season 1, Episode 3 Quotes: “It Was Like Having a Hot Alcoholic Cat”
Even if this was a list of the top 100 quotes from the New Girl episode “Wedding” we’d still have trouble whittling it down to our absolute favorites. The FOX comedy is just that funny.
But we’ve accomplished the impossible, so prepare to pee your pants. Again.
15. The guys get competitive with the slow chicken dance Winston (Lamorne Morris), to Schmit, on the dance floor: Stop copying my beaks.
14. All the European cathedrals have ‘em Schmidt (Max Greenfield), to Brooke, at the chocolate fountain: The chocolate fountain... Reminds me of the one in Tuscany. You ever been?
13. Winston the winner... Winston, to the guys: This is the first job I’ve had in, like, two months, dude, and I really want to just get in there and ush this wedding in the face.
12. This is a wedding, not the Savannah Schmidt, upon seeing a hot woman at the wedding: Oh, a lotta big game here tonight. Yo.
11. *Groan* Jess (Zooey Deschanel), on the dance floor: I’m mime-walking. I’m Mimechael Jackson.
10. We give up Nick (Jake Johnson): Hey, Caroline, wow! I didn’t know you were going to be here. Great to see you. Jess: Nicholas, you have to introduce me. Nick: Uh, yeah, of course. Jess, this is Caroline. Jess: One more time: Carolee? Caroline: Uh, Caroline. Jess: Caroloo? Coraline. Nick: Caroline. Jess: Oh, ‘kay, fancy.
9. Jar? Schmidt, on Brooke: OK, tonight just got real. She goes on top of the kill list. Jess: You’re going to attempt to kill her by having sex with her? Schmidt: More or less. Jess: Oh, Schmidt. One day you’re going to kill the nicest girl.
8. White-water rafting helmets — always sexy Schmidt: Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pantsuit again. Gretchen: This is a new one. It’s got way more stretch. In the pants. Schmidt: That’s horrible. Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I’m going to tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip. Schmidt: Oh my God. How many are there? Gretchen: It’s a two-hour slideshow.
7. Suppress the Jess! Jess, to Brooke while holding a knife in the bathroom: Oh, hi! Schmidt is very fond of you. Brooke: [Nervously] Look, I don’t even really know him that well, OK? Jess: Oh! I’m just cutting off my underwear. [Sings] Girl stuff. [Pulls off the bike shorts] So tight!
6. The more you know Jess, while playing with Nick’s head: Your head is shaped like a yam. Nick: I know. I can’t wear soft hats.
5. How many sluts have Cockney accents? Schmidt (to Jess): I’m really going to need you to step it up tonight, OK? When I see you, I want to be thinking, “Who let the dirty slut out of the sluthouse?” Jess, in a Cockney accent: Probably the slut butler, right?
4. Gretchen speaks the truth Gretchen: Where’d you get those boots — off a lady hiker? Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons? Gretchen, whispers: I’m going to make you wear them.
3. Hands off, Jess Jess, to Caroline, while petting Nick’s face: He’s so soft — like a towel.
2. Jess, meet Spanx... Jess, to the guys: Want to know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit into this dress was by wearing little girls’ bicycle shorts underneath. And they are tight. I will not be peeing tonight.
1. At least they could’ve cuddled with a cat Schmidt: Oh, there’s Brooke. Jess: Who’s Brooke? Nick: He’s been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. It was like having a hot alcoholic cat. Schmidt: I’d always leave water out for her.