Michael Desmond/The CW 2011 The CW Network
Another year, another scheming wench landing on the Upper East Side's fair shores to implement a mysterious scheme — part of which requires taking sexual advantage of Nate (Chace Crawford). So far all we know about Diana Payne (Elizabeth Hurley) is that she's a media baron with designs on ruling the New York gossip world, which, according to producer Josh Safran, means "she needs to eliminate Gossip Girl."
So what is Diana's endgame? What's her plan for attacking Gossip Girl, who thus far has basically been an omniscient demigod? And why does it require sexing up Nate in public places? Hereby we present some theories.
1. She is Gossip Girl. We always muse about this whenever a new character appears on the scene, because we have a crazy dream that the show will remember that it's actually built around a huge mystery and finally reveal who Gossip Girl is. But with Diana, it actually makes sense: Who would launch a big public campaign against a terrifying blackmailer except someone with nothing to lose? Maybe the whole thing is an elaborate ruse! We love elaborate ruses.
2. She's turning Nate into Gossip Patient Zero. In order to take down Gossip Girl, she'll need to trace the way she gets her information. By having sex with Nate in public locations strategically placed around the city, she can learn who Gossip Girl's informants are and probe her weak spots. While Nate is, ahem, probing her weak spots. Luckily, Nate is too dumb and slutty to ask, "Hey, how come we have to have sex on the roof of the crosstown bus?"
3. She simply wants to have sex with Nate. So many girls-with-agendas have hit-and-quit poor Nate that, at this point, he can only get it up for a lady with a gleam in her eye that says, "You are just a pawn in my elaborate plan." Maybe she just thought he was cute, figured out his MO, and concocted an elaborate plan accordingly.