Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW ©2011 The CW Network    
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Ringer Recap of Season 1, Episode 5: ”A Whole New Kind of Bitch”

We can barely keep up with all the sex, lies and dirty little secrets on Ringer! Basically, we’re addicted and the only cure is shirtless Henry.

This week, Bridget bonded with her narc’d up step-daughter, Andrew wandered around his apartment being all British, and two of our favorite characters may or may not be six feet under.

Sigh, at least we’ll get to bust out our red wig and dress up as Zombie Gemma for Halloween!

Cruel Intentions

Despite spending the past two weeks murdering randoms, getting her hair done, and trying not overdose on uppers, Bridget’s sister-switcheroo is crashing and burning all around her.

Not only does Gemma bitch slap her silly when she finds out about Siobhan's affair with Henry, she comes home to find WHORE written on her giant self portrait. Ugh, don’t you hate when that happens?

Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW ©2011 The CW Network    

Of course, Juliet and her wasted friends are the culprits and Andrew is so over it. Sigh, can’t this troubled youth just go to her mom’s place? Designer furniture doesn’t pay for itself!

While Andrew sulks about the state of his apartment, Bridget realizes that Juliet’s high on Oxycontin so she raids her room.

Unfotch, Juliet notices that Siobhan’s been through her swag, so she goes on a revenge spiral, destroys Shivs’ wedding dress, and finds a Narcotics Anonymous Pamphlet. Busted!

Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW ©2011 The CW Network    

Over in Emo City, Henry’s hits just keep on coming when he hears the disappointing news that his book has been rejected from it’s publishing house. Oh no! His CW doppelganger, Dan Humphrey, will be so disappointed.

Meanwhile, Gemma’s watching some old videos of her partying days when she notices that the real Siobhan had a huge burn mark on her wrist. Dun dun dun!

An Affair to Remember!

Here’s the deal: Gemma decides it’s probably a good idea to simultaneously divorce her hubby and blackmail Bridget, so she quits work on the loft and threatens to reveal the truth about Bridge’s identity unless she sexes up Henry and provides cold, hard evidence of his affair.

Because nothing’s worse than being forced to bone a hunk.

Oh well, at least Bridget has Malcolm to lean on. Or not. He’s is still holed-up in some basement all strung out on heroine and the smell of Bodaway Macawi’s hairspray — and he may or may not be dead after attempting escape.

Credit: The CW    

Whatev, so not Bridget’s problem. Out with the old, in with the new!

Bridge heads to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting to chat up a new, potential sponsor named Charlie, who gets his flirt on and gives Bridget his digits. Little does she know that Juliet is eavesdropping in the corner.

Don’t worry, when Juliet reveals Bridget’s secret drug addiction to Andrew over breakfast, Bridge plays it off like she’s “doing research.” Nice save, girl!

American Psycho!

We’re concerned about Bridget. Girlfriend almost swallowed an entire bottle of pills over the prospect of sleeping with Henry and now she’s taken to hanging out in Brooklyn with addicts.

Thank goodness she has Charlie (aka Malcolm 2.0) and his wise words of wisdom to inspire her.

After meeting with Charlie over coffee for no apparent reason, Bridge makes up her mind about Gemma’s proposition and then puts her plan into action! She heads over to the loft to tell Gemma she’s not going through with the rendez-do, and then tracks down Henry in some bar to reveal Gemma’s evil plan.

Unfortunately, he’s way too sloppy drunk to pay attention.

Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW ©2011 The CW Network    

Meanwhile, Andrew comes up with a way to keep his darling daughter off drugs: Public school. Because you know how all those inner-city kids stay so fresh and so clean!

Juliet’s more than a little pissed about the prospect of socializing with the plebes, so she tells her pops that Siobhan is a cheating bitch who sleeps with house husbands.

Of course, it turns out she’s just referring to Andrew cheating on his first wife with Shiv. Phew!

Later than night, Andrew and Bridget head over to a club to find Juliet partying on the dance floor, and she and Bridge have an unexpected bonding moment about what a ishy parent Siobhan was. Aw, they’re just one big happy family!

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Yeah, don’t get too excited, Ringers. As the whack pack leave the club, Gemma calls Andrew and asks him to come over, but when he shows up, a sweaty and disheveled Henry answers the door. Hmmmm .... Where’s Gem?

Yep, you called it. Judging from the bloody hand-print on the wall, Henry just went full-blown Fatal Attraction on us.

Oh well, at least Bridget’s secret is still safe. Silver lining, right guys?

10.12.2011 / 06:51 PM EDT by Mehera Bonner
Related: Ringer, Recaps

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