You think you know a girl, when suddenly she starts speaking flawless Japanese to her mentor Satoshi. Apparently somewhere in between wandering around looking like Jagged Little Pill-era Alanis Morissette and getting a WASP-y makeover, Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp) found time to hop on a plane to Japan, befriend a master of revenge, and learn a new language.
So what other skills did she pick up during her time abroad? Check out our top five theories:
1. How to Frolic on the Beach Whilst Looking Amazing Most of us wade into the ocean and come out looking half-drowned and water-logged. Not Emily Thorne. This girl rises out of the sea like a mermaid. Nary a hair is out of place, her makeup is immaculate, and her smirk says it all: “Thou shalt not get between my toes, sand.”
2. How to Maintain One Facial Expression at All Times Before she went off to learn The Art of Revenge, Emily was capable of plebeian expressions such as “smiling,” “sad face,” and “the ugly cry.” Nowadays, she’s a stone-cold master of disguise, and her favorite mask is “Judgmental With a Touch of Ice Queen.” Sometimes Emily breaks character and allows the corners of her mouth to curl up for an evil yet elegant smile.
3. How to Make a Labrador Retriever Live Forever The only explanation for Emily’s mastery of Japanese in two short years is that she has magical powers. Obviously, she’s using said powers to prolong the life of her ageless Labrador, Sammy. As fan-girls the world over have noted, Sammy should have died about 10 years ago. Our conclusion? Emily is a dog whisperer.
4. How to Create the Perfect Smoked Salmon Alibi If you’re a murder suspect (a common problem amongst most of our readership), it’s always a good idea to get yourself an airtight yuppie alibi. Maybe you were busy buying a polo shirt at Ralph Lauren or you were taking your new sailboat out for a spin? In Emily’s case, she was up at five in the morning buying local smoked salmon. Deal with it.
5. How to Use a Giant Red Marker No revenge plan is complete without a huge red marker. What else would you use to draw an enormous X on your target’s face? If you’re confused about exactly what brand of said marker to buy, contact Satoshi at 1-800-REVENGE-ME.