Tyra adores speaking on camera. Loves, loves, loves the sound of her mentoring voice, sending young ladies off to heaven with her words of wisdom, one ugly-crying modelstant at a time.
So we decided to gather our favorite Tyra quotes from this wildly inappropriate and confusing America's Next Top Model Cycle 17: All-Stars, in an attempt to find out what makes Tyra tick. Let us know if you have better luck than we did!
Tyra forces Laura to regurgitate whipped cream on Episode 12: “Tyson”: “Don’t swallow, don’t swallow, don’t swallow. Spit! Spit! Spit! Spit!” This is either an attempt at sexiness or bulimia — neither of which will create a good photo.
Tyra addresses her subjects on Episode 8: “Game”: “We are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling.” If only Tyra had replaced “We” with “My self-righteousness.”
Tyra shouts “Work it, girl!” and “Kick that leg up!” from her tiny chyron box in Episode 6: “Coco Rocha.” If we had this Tyra box on our computer screen, we would fear for our our computer screen’s life.
On Episode 5: “Latoya Jackson”: “What we see is boop bermp, boop bermp” (Random robot noises). Tyra-bot is momentarily derailed while receiving an incoming data message from the mamaship.
Tyra talks to Lisa like she’s a five-year-old on Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “Lisa left the building and her cousin the Excuse Monster came in.” Tyra got rid of her cousin the Sane Monster long ago.
On Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “Choo-choo, the Express train has arrived to take somebody on a journey, far far away.” Phew, at least it’s not the local.
Tyra, to Angelea on Episode 4: “Anthony Zuiker”: “As I was looking at your photos, I was like, why do I like these photos so much? Why are these photos some of the best in Top Model history? And I realized it’s because you’re All-Stars.” Strange how all these people start appearing when I flutter my eyelashes! And I was like, why do I like unicorns and fairy dust? And I realized it’s because I’m insane.
On Episode 3: “Kristin Cavallari”: “Do you know what a Booty Tooch is? It’s when you tooch your booty.” But what is a Tooty Booch? And a Toochy Boot, and a Tookie Tooch? Oh, just Tyra’s first words as a baby.
“I have cut his hair,” referring to newly skinheaded and horrified Nigel Barker on Episode 2: “Ashlee Simpson.” “And now it’s time to cut you.” And then it was time for Ty Ty to touch Nigel’s head, turning him into a well-spoken British centaur. Ty-over!
On Episode 6: “Coco Rocha”: “Bianca, you look like a praying mantis. I think it’s fabulous.” Yes, stop “modeling,” girls. Imitate those insects people instantly stomp to death.
Tyra looks at Angelea’s photo on Episode 6: “Coco Rocha”: “I feel her pain and I love every minute of it.” Ah, so this is why you decided to disqualify her: you just love you a good snuff film every now and then.