We all know that the best ways to get cast as a contestant on The Bachelor are to have a winning personality, a zest for life, and sure — a bangin’ bod doesn’t hurt. But those all sound like work. What if there were an even easier way to ensure that you get on the show and meet the man of your dreams? Well, there is.
That’s where we come in, as we’ve compiled a list of ten surefire ways to get yourself on the show, based on what we’ve seen other contestants do, or other things we think could make you seem totally nuts unique. Just don’t forget to send us a wedding invite between you and the Bachelor, ‘kay? Thanks!
10. Wear stilts under a pair of really long pants. Uh, maybe the Bachelor is really into women who are 8-feet-tall? (Cut us some slack — what did you expect for number ten?)
9. Show up in a body cast from head-to-toe. Remember how much sympathy "Rated-R" got from Ali for just wearing a boot on his foot? Well, imagine the attention you’d get if, instead of stepping out of the limo, you were rolled out of the back of an ambulance on a stretcher, with your entire body covered in a body cast. Sure, you wouldn’t be able to move any part of your body for the entire season, and good luck with the itchiness. But who’s gonna deny a rose to that one girl in the body cast? No one, that’s who.
8. Become royalty. This show respects people who are royalty, as there’s no way Prince Lorenzo would have been chosen as Bachelor otherwise. Now, most of you probably aren’t royalty yet, but the key word there is “yet.” Don’t just sit there — time’s a-wastin’. The easiest way to get royal blood would be for your parent to marry a king or queen. Not gonna happen? Don’t fret — you could always purchase a land mass, develop a system of government, crown yourself queen, and voila — your face is on the money! Sounds easy enough to us, Your Highness.
7. Say that you’re in the Mob. Who’s the one person who the Bachelor would never want to upset? A girl whose family is “connected.” It would probably help if you had a bodyguard with you who followed you around wherever you went. Or you could even take it a step further and claim to be in the witness protection program, so you insist that ABC blur your face and electronically make your voice sound all deep and Barry White-ish. The Bachelor can either give you a rose or risk sleeping with the fishes.
6. Glue werewolf fur to your entire body. Madison got a ton of attention during Brad’s season by wearing those fangs. But what if you’re on Team Jacob instead? That’s why we’d advise using Super glue to adhere long werewolf fur to your arms, legs, and face. Granted, you probably wouldn’t be able to remove the fur quite as easily as Madison could remove her fangs, but if nothing else, at least you won’t need to wear a sweater.
5. Be “the naked chick.” During Brad’s season, Sarah apparently had both nipples pierced, but she make a big deal about them, and she didn’t last that long. So our advice would be to make such a big deal about your body as to make everyone borderline uncomfortable, and that would be to walk out of the limo completely naked. It’s the opposite of what the “mask guy” did on Ashley’s season. Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it — and then ABC will pixelate it!
4. Get dumped by someone famous. Every year seems to bring rumors of someone who had dated a celebrity before landing on the Bachelor, whether it was Gia and a Yankee, Emily and a country music star, or Keltie from Brad’s season, who had dated the frontman from Panic at the Disco before he dumped her. But if you do set out to get dumped by a famous musician, we recommend it be someone whose music doesn’t make you wish you were deaf. (No offense, Panic at the Disco.)
3. Tell him that you’re a robot from the future. People often get on the show who are amazing dancers — say, Michael Stagliano — and the robot is a type of dance. So why not take this one step further and claim to be an actual robot. You can talk in a cool, futuristic voice and tell the Bachelor that your only hope is that you can one day experience “this thing that you humanoids call ‘love.’” Just make sure you’re more like the robot in those Svedka vodka ads, and less like the robot from that ‘80s sitcom Small Wonder.
2. Chain yourself to a tree to keep it from getting chopped down. It’s no secret that the Bachelors like people who are passionate. That’s why tying yourself to the trunk of a tree for the duration of the show is a can’t-miss idea. Granted, it would probably have to be a tree on the premises of the Bachelor mansion, so the Bachelor could visit you and maybe bring you some water. (Activism makes people thirsty!) Then again, we can’t imagine why a tree on the mansion’s premises would be at risk of getting chopped down. And you probably wouldn’t ever be able to shower. Anyway, like we said — this is can’t-miss.
1. Claim that he’s your baby’s daddy. We all know that having a child earns you a soft spot in the Bachelor’s heart (hello, Emily!). So why not earn your child an extra-soft spot in his heart by claiming that the Bachelor’s your child’s father from a random hook-up back in the day. Okay, so normally we wouldn’t advise being quite this morally bankrupt, but hey — a similar fib earned that Justin Bieber girl her 15 minutes, right? (And is it just us, or does “an extra-soft spot in his heart” sound like something that requires immediate medical attention?)