Chance Harbor’s Graveyard: Eulogies For The Secret Circle’s Dearly Departed
We’ve barely made it through Season 1 of The Secret Circle, but witches, witch hunters, and muggles are already dropping like flies. In memory of 2011’s dearly departed, we’ve put together some short eulogies. Time to pour some out for our fallen homies!
Nick Armstrong: 1995-2011 Son of Richard and Sarah Armstrong “A Stud Amongst Men”
We still aren’t emotionally stable enough to chat about Nick’s (Louis Hunter) untimely death without bursting into a fit of ugly crying. He was a double-troubled teen who dealt with the loss of his parents by wearing leather and middle-parting his hair. He peddled herbal tinctures in his free time and was often found disrobing women with his mind.
Nick’s passing was anything but peaceful – he started the day being forced to dig a giant hole in the middle of a forest, then had to de-worm his girlfriend, then got his throat sliced, and topped it all off by developing a demon voice and being drowned in a shallow pool of water. Despite a tragic life and an even more tragic death, Nick will always be in our hearts. Well, until his hot older brother boats back into town.
Grandpa Chamberlain: Ye Olden Days-2011 Beloved Father Of Tom Chamberlain “Secretly A Squib”
Little is known about this lovable geriatric’s life, other than the fact that he lived in a creepy lake house inhabited by little girl ghosts. Oh, and that he had a fully stocked liquor cabinet. But we do know that Henry loved his granddaughter, the ever-mischievous Faye Chamberlain (Phoebe Tonkin), with all his old fogey heart.
Sadly, Grandpa Henry seemed to have developed some mild senility in his late years, and forgot how to use his magical powers. Thus, he died at the hands of a slightly intoxicated Dawn Chamberlain (Natasha Henstridge), who used her pet rock to give him a heart attack and then dumped his body in a lake. Memo to everyone: Never go swimming again.
Sally “Walkin’ On Water” Matthews was murdered and resurrected within the space of a few minutes. She lived her life to the fullest, getting great grades, organizing nerdy school dances, and being a secret She’s All That-style hottie.
Sally met her demise when Faye went cray-cray and killed her in a blazed-up powertrip. Luckily, Dawn saved the day by rubbing her trusty pet rock all over Sally’s head and she came back into our lives before we even had a chance to mourn her.
4. Luke McNoname: 1995-2011 Beloved Son Of A Witch Hunter “Lover Of Pig Masks” When Luke first waltzed into Chance Harbor, we had him pegged as a ditzy jock dying to get into Cassie’s (Britt Robertson) panties. Little did we know he was a crazy witch hunter and connoisseur of pig masks. Like his fellow witch hunters, Luke’s mission was to eradicate magic from society, killing sexy teenagers while doing so.
Sadly, Luke met his end when Cassie made a strange guttural noise (“auuuurggghhhh”) and he spontaneously combusted into a ball of flames. We appreciate anyone whose death elicits flashbacks to vanquishing spells on Charmed – so we’ll go ahead and say it: RIP.
5. Simone Dedicated Witch Huntress “Live Free And Die Harder” We have the strong impression that Jake (Chris Zylka) and Simone used to sleep together (before he fatally stabbed her, that is), which automatically makes us dislike her. To show our disdain, Simone’s eulogy will be short and bitter.
6. Calvin Beloved Father And Husband “Really Good At Writing On The Inside Of Paper” Calvin lived life to the fullest as a middle-aged hippie who owned a dusty Wicca shop. We want to feel bad that Calvin met his doom, but if you have to be killed off, you might as well be killed off by Jake Armstrong. If nothing else, the last image burned into Calvin's retinas was a plunging V-neck.