Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere Recap: The Unit & Ryder Return
Credit: MTV    
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Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere Recap: The Unit & Ryder Return

Yeah, we know you were dancing around your living rooms, holding a giant margarita (possibly with a beer dumped in it) in hand last night for the triumphant return of Jersey Shore Season 5 on Thursday night. Man, did it feel right. Back in Seaside Heights, back where the chicks are easy, the manparts are shaped like watermelons, tanning oil flows freely, and the STD meds are free. Oh, wait that last one is not America. Never mind.

Anyway, we're back in business, so let's cut to the chase, yeah? This week's episode kicked off with the Macaroni Rascals' flight home from Italy. We understand that homesickness does strange things to people and that the crew was stoked to rejoin the stampede of wildebeests at Karma, but seriously? They were acting as if Italy was prison and they were finally being released back into society. The international trash talking was probably unnecessary.

On the car ride from the airport to the Shore House, the gang realized the fight for roommates was on, once again. The Situation, who no one wants to live with, let alone sit next to, generously offers to live with anyone. Seriously, anyone. He'd seriously be totally cool bunking with any single one of them. After a chorus of crickets chirp in response, someone has the presence of mind to call same rooms as last time, which is great news for all except the upstairs club: The Scenario and Sammi and Ronnie. We can hear the Ikea beds whimpering in the distance.

Upon arriving back at the house, Snooki can't help but admire how clean everything is, while Deena Nicole searches for the crabs. Uh, the hermit crabs that is.

Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere Recap: The Unit & Ryder Return
Credit: MTV    

Once in their rooms, Vinny dry-humped bro buddy Pauly D out of excitement. JWOWW dry-humped her bed out of excitement. It was a great day for dry-humping all around.

Despite the fact that SamRon is stuck awkwardly rooming with The Scenario, Sammi hoisted up her sweatpants and firmly establishes that everyone is going to do their thing and it's all going to be fine. Right guys? RIGHT? Ronnie then threatens to put The Sitch’s furniture on the porch. We’re off to a great start

Now that the rommiw sitch is settled, It's time to celebrate homecoming in true Jersey fashion. With pickle shots. JK, guys, Snooki's the only one who did pickle shots. (And by shots we mean chugging down the leftover brine from a gallon jug of pickles.) Meanwhile, Deena kept it classy: Smirnoff out of the bottle.

Thankfully, Ron-Ron stepped in and whips up a batch of his eponymous juice (ew, no, like the vodka and watermelon and berry kind, you sickos), and everyone has a drink or six before heading down to the Shore Store to grace the boss-man Danny with their return.

Much to our surprise, Danny seemed downright in love with the gang. He was cracking awkward jokes and everything! "This is the palest I've ever seen you," he exclaimed upon their reunion. "You're all Vinny's color!" Aww, it's so cute when Danny tries to make a funny. Then we thought about it for a minute and remembered that Jersey Shore has like, quadrupled the Shore Store's revenue or something, so it makes more sense that deep down Danny likes his booze-soaked, perpetually useless employees.

After visiting the Shore Store, everyone hits the boardwalk. Vinny straps in for a carnival ride. Deena jumps on a mechanical bull. We're sure somewhere Snooki's face is buried in a container of deep fried pickles. Times are good.

Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere Recap: The Unit & Ryder Return
Credit: MTV    

Later, the boys realize they can't waste another minute of summer without catching up on the GTL they missed in Italy. Pauly decides to tan the crap out of himself (ie., highest level bed for as long as the tech — with whom he is on a high-fiving basis — will allow him to lie there, plus the darkest lotion available). Pauly calls this a much-needed "shock to his system." Here in America, we call that skin cancer. Upon hitting the gym, Mike decides his six-pack will be ready in seven days (can we mail-order ours like that?) and Vinny makes the worst fashion choice since last year's purple pants fiasco: a juicehead-in-training fauxhawk mullet haircut. It's weird. Wicked weird.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Snooki tries to call on-again, off-again boyfriend Jionni like a stage 5 clinger to no avail. She's a little worried he still isn't speaking to her over that whole smushing-Vinny-while-they-were-technically-broken-up thing that happened in Season 4. Oh, and the flashing her cooka in an Italian club. And generally being an emotional mess during the cast’s entire stay in Italy.

That night, Danny invites the gang out to a pirate fantasia wasteland bar called Captain Hook's for drinks. It seems to be dead, but wait! Surprise! Everyone's family and friends popped out of the woodwork. Vinny and Deena immediately begin weeping, Snooki weirdly straddled her dad, but, luckily, Jionni is there so everything is A-OK. Although, Vinny's mom descends upon Snooki with hugs, kisses, and cries of "you look beautiful!" like the mother-in-law-to-be that she is, and it makes for an Awk-McGawk moment for the happy couple. Oh, and Uncle Nino is back, trashed, and motor-boating every girl in the joint. Sigh. Home.

The Scenerio's BFF The Unit is also in attendance and, of course, Mike starts stirring the pot as soon as they're reunited, giving Snooki a "heads up" that he'll be staying with them at the house. Along with Snooki’s BFF Ryder and Jionni. To catch you up, Mike spent the last season trying to convince anyone who would listen that he hooked up with Snooki while The Unit and Ryder got it on right next to them, which Snooki still vehemently denies. But if anyone was going to spill the truth, it was going to happen that night.

And so, after less than six hours back in the States (it's unclear if they've even changed outfits at this point) Snooki started crying. Some mild trash-talking goes down in the bar, but Jionni seems to fly under the radar for the most part, so nothing happens. Make no mistake though: a storm's a-brewin'.

Once everyone returned to the Shore House, it's obvious what time it is: effed up o'clock. What better time to start a barbecue?! Mike wifes up The Unit with some pretty impressive homoerotic undertones that causes even Sammi to raise a plucked eyebrow.

Meanwhile, Pauly starts wooing Ryder with his Italian, Deena gets a little pissy, and so of course Pauly and Ryder start making out. This brings Ryder's Shore House smush list to Pauly, Vinny, and The Unit. Total individuals scorned: 2 Meatballs. Plus whoever cares about The Unit. (Obvious answer: No one cares about him.) Deena awkwardly sat at the foot of Pauly D's bed while he's trying to get it in like a puppy left out of a romp. But Pauly ultimately prevails in smushing Ryder, cueing a lot of awkward Ryder/”Ride-her” jokes the next AM.

Snooki had a remarkably mature and impressively self-aware moment the next morning during which she apologizes to The Unit for picking a fight with him, while admitting apologizing isn't her thing. Obviously, there's nothing he or Mike can do now without looking like complete douchenozzles, so they accept her apology and back off. Color us skeptical.

After all the guests have cleared out, Vinny gets sad about missing his family, so Ron and Deena suggest hookers and strippers to cheer him up! Pauly decides drags him to Aztec for another night out but the only woman who hits on Vinny looks like Deena's mom, so he peaces out with Pauly. Back at the house, he totally breaks down, which legitimately concerns Pauly and Ron. They very dramatically discuss "talking him down from the ledge."

Is Vinny circling the drain? What's the fallout from the Pauly/Ryder smush? Are The Unit and Ryder like, moving in now? Strap in, kids. We've got a whooole season ahead of us. Get crazy. Get wild.

Catch the macaroni rascals on the next new episode of Jersey Shore on Thursday, January 12 at 10 pm ET/PT on MTV.

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