Gossip Girl Recap of Season 5, Episode 13: “G.G.” — Blair’s Royal Wedding!
Allow us to borrow from one of Gossip Girl's more scandalous of marketing campaigns... OMFGGG! And by that we mean, WHAT THE! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? NO WAYYY!
Last night's 100th episode of Gossip Girl was all that we'd hoped for and more! After all the speculation, we saw exactly how the royal wedding went down... And lawwwd, it wasn't pretty!!!
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though! Here goes nothin’...
First off ― that dream sequence. In retrospect, did this not seem a little random? Serena (Blake Lively) dreams that Blair (Leighton Meester) is going to steal Dan (Penn Badgley) away from her, but then she spends the entire ep not mentioning it at all? And she continues to parade around with Dan? S, you mystify us so!
In the real world... All is starting out just fine, save, uhh, Blair's rampant nerves. She freaks at the mention of “Mrs. Grimaldi” and then has a panic attack once fully dressed from head to toe in gorgeous Vera Wang! (The size of that waist! The cut of that dress! Yowza!)
It's then that several plans are set into motion. The likeliest of which to WORK is Eleanor's. Yes, that formerly horrific mother ― oh please, remember Season 1?! ― knows her daughter isn't ready to marry Louis because B is having the same feelings that she did on her wedding day... to Harold. (Need we remind you how that marriage turned out? Yeahwedidn'tthinkso.)
Eleanor high-tails it to the Empire, where Chuck (Ed Westwick) is drinking his morning scotch and kicking himself for giving food poisoning to a priest (Okay, he's not... but, dude, dawgs don't go to heaven when they poison priests!). Eleanor tells Chuck that she can see B doesn't want to marry Louis, which means Louis is gay and Chuck is Blair's soulmate (WHAT? Not all of that happened? Whatever, it's called subtext, people!). Even though Chuck has convinced himself and his BFF Nate (Chace Crawford) that he's not crashing the party... who is he to deny the mother of the bride?
Meanwhile, on the other side of the park ― hollerrr, did you know the Empire isn't on the UES? Did we just blow your mind??? ― GEORGINA SPARKS' return is in full swing and she's already flubbed ruining the wedding multiple times. First she buddies up with the sick priest and dresses as an altar girl. Then she strips down and is ready to seduce Louis while her husband watches/tapes it ― ew ― and is thwarted by Rufus and Lily. Gooo, parents!
Chuck arrives at the church and begs B, "Don't marry him." (Our hearts? Officially friggin' broken.) B confesses her love for him ― heart swells! ― and says she's gonna marry the Big L anyway. Ughhh. Serena enters and tries to tell Blair she's ready to bail on this whole mess if she needs her to. This is important: SERENA IS TELLING IT LIKE IT IS... and in case we need to be reminded, how it is is totally freakin' dumb. That pact! That pact is the only reason we're all here!!! Blair Waldorf, get it together! EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A FOOL.
In a desperate move, Serena tells Chuck about the pact. (We'd be running for the hills... "She believes WHAT?!" we'd say. But C-Bass, he sticks it out. Kudos to him.)
THE WEDDING BEGINS! Cue adorable reactions from Lily! Eleanor! Dorota! Nate (who needs a hug)! If this wedding weren't meant to die a cruel, cruel death, this would have been hella emotional. As is, the emotions are sorta overshadowed by the fact that NONE OF THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ON. One moment that does grab a tear? When Harold retrieves Cyrus so that both of them can walk their little princess down the aisle. Amazing.
Chuck arrives! He's there! He's got one foot in the door! Blair sees him! The priest asks if there are any objections and... CRICKETS!
But then, the familiar buzz of a smartphone breaks the silence, suckaaas! (Doesn't everyone know you're supposed to turn your damn cell phones off in a church/for weddings?! This generation's gone to the dogs.) YES, THE WEDDING IS INTERRUPTED BY GOSSIP GIRL. And guess what? Gossip Girl objects! Naturally. The sound of Blair's confession to Chuck echoes through the church and B runs. To Chuck. To tell him he's a bass-tard. AND THEN, she tells Louis she's back in. (Cue collective groan from at-home audience.)
Return from commercial break... post-vows, post-everything... now at the St. Regis for the reception. (You didn't really want to SEE that evil mess at the altar anyway, did you?) Something big is about to go on, but let's break first and share something from the land of the obvious... Serena loves Dan. And she tells him. And Dan's face is all, "Omg, giiirl, this about to get awkward."
And on the dance floor, Blair waxes apologetically to her new husband, juust as that dark cloud of ugly shadows his face ― you know the one, we've seen it a couple times before ― and Louis delivers a blow the likes of which the UES ain't eva seeeen: HE'S GAY!! No? Sorry... Wait, he tells Blair that their marriage is for-show only, and that, post-embarrassing church kerfuffle ― we'll give him that, it was embarrassing! ― there's no longer any love between them, and she'll be a princess only for appearances' sake. (Hey, uh, one question: Why bother???) He also lays down a real zinger: Those vows he just professed that B was so lovin'? YEP, DAN'S.
Blair runs off to make a phone call to plan her escape anddd BAZINGA, the call is to Dan. And they run. BLAIR WALDORF IS A(N ALREADY MARRIED) RUNAWAY BRIDE. Yesss! (Too bad about that marriage certificate...)
And the much-teased return of Georgina? It seemed a lil' so-so, didn't it? That is, until the last moment of the episode, when we see the hands of Gossip Girl typin’ away... and pan up to reveal that they belong to the newly returned Queen of Mean! Are we to believe Georgina is REALLY the culprit behind all of GG's exploits? Or does she have GG locked up somewhere? Either way, Georgina is holding some serious power, and we know where that might lead us...
(Then again, seriously, who CARES?! Welcome to the world, DAIR!)