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2012 Academy Awards: Best Quotes and Funniest Jokes From the Oscars

The 84th Annual Academy Awards was filled with tears, joy, music, and laughter, lots of laughter.

And that laughter wouldn’t have been possible without the help of fantastic writers and actors. This year’s Oscars host, Billy Crystal, provided most of the jokes, but check out all of our favorites below!

On his introduction: “Well, that was Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Thank you so much.”

Referencing his ninth time hosting the Oscars: “So tonight, just call me War Horse.”

“Nothing can take the sting out of economic problems like watching millionaires collecting gold statues.”

Announcing two presenters: “Please welcome a recurring dream of mine — Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez.”

On the first time he saw The Help: “When I saw it, I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw, which in Beverly Hills is about a 45-minute drive.”

Reading Brad Pitt’s mind: “This better not go too late, I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning.”

Reading Viola Davis’ mind: “I want to thank my agent, who created a great role for a black woman that wasn’t created by Tyler Perry!”

“Front row, you know what I’m thinking? Why don’t we chip in and buy the Dodgers?”

“Please welcome the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Angelina Jolie.”

On Natalie Portman: “Our next presenter is everything little girls want to be when they grow up — smart, talented and a murderous ballerina.”

After Jean Dujardin won Best Actor: “They must be going nuts in France right now. Or whatever the French have in place of joy.”

“Thank you Academy for putting me with the hottest guy in the room.”
Octavia Spencer, holding her Oscar

“Look, I turned down The Descendants to do this.”
Robert Downey Jr., pretending to shoot a documentary on presenting

“How about we make this dressing room an undressing room.”
Melissa McCarthy, backstage to Billy Crystal

“You’re only two years older than me, darling, where have you been all my life?”
Christopher Plummer to his Oscar

“Like many stars here tonight he’s a lot shorter in real life.”
Bret McKenzie on Kermit the Frog

“As my grandma used to say, it can be short and still make your toes curl. And I believe my grandma was not referring to wieners, but short films.”
Maya Rudolph while presenting

“I LOVE your country.”
Jean Dujardin upon winning his first Oscar

“Meryl. Mamma Mia. We were in Greece. We danced. I was gay, and we were happy.”
Colin Firth presenting Meryl Streep for Best Actress

“When they called my name I had this feeling I could hear have of America going, 'Aww come on! why her?’ ”
Meryl Streep after winning Best Actress

Any funny lines we missed? Let us know in the comments below!

02.27.2012 / 10:34 AM EDT by Rachel McRady
Related: News, Oscars

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