Credit: Illustration by Wetpaint Entertainment (Original Source: ABC Television Group © 2011 Disney)    
Share on Facebook0Share on Google+0Tweet about this on Twitter0

The Bachelor

“Lindzi Is the Scallops, Courtney Is the Steak” A Man’s Review of The Bachelor 16 Finale

When it comes to The Bachelor, both genders would clearly agree that there’s a whole lotta craziness going on. But what do guys notice about Season 16 Bachelor Ben Flajnik’s choices and actions that the rest of us might not? And would all guys act the way Ben does? We need a male perspective!

To figure out what guys think when they watch this show, we’ve asked a male to name the three things he noticed while watching this week’s finale and “After the Final Rose” special, including the ridiculous error Ben made, and the most guy-repellent thing that Courtney did all season.

Rumor has it that Ben was faking any interest in Lindzi Cox, and as a guy, this was as obvious as it is that Jeter and A-Rod despise each other but pretend to be besties. Ben’s attitude toward Lindzi is similar to being at a restaurant, when you know you’re going to get the steak, and the waiter walks up and is like, “We have a few specials this evening,” and you’re thinking, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about your specials — I just want my steak.”

But you’re like, “Oh, good — tell me the specials,” and then you have to listen to the waiter attentively and periodically say things like, “Oh, those scallops sound good,” while the waiter keeps talking, even though you know damn well that you won’t be getting the scallops.

Well, Lindzi is the scallops. Ben is smiling and going on dates, but he can’t wait to get to what he really wants: steak Courtney Robertson.

And that’s a valuable skill to learn, since that’s what every guy experiences when he pretends to actually enjoy hanging out with your friends. You heard me, ladies: Guys do not want go over to your friend’s apartment with you and play with your friend’s tiny dog and drink things with bubbles in it. However, we know that if we outwardly diss your friends, there’s a chance you won’t sleep with us. So when the going gets tough, the tough play with tiny dogs.

Basically, being nice to your friends is one of things we have to do before we can do what we really want to do. (Do we have to say it?)

First of all, what was Courtney wearing at the proposal? With those mile-long vinyl gloves and what looked to be some sort of a cape-like thing, she looked like she should be a character in a Batman movie. (Female editor’s note: We said Disney movie. Go fig.) Come to think of it, I can’t think of a more appropriate name for her than Catty Woman.

And how hilarious is it that Ben apparently thinks it was okay to cheat on Courtney because they were on a “24-hour hiatus”? Look, every guy wants to believe that the 24-hour hiatus exists, but we all know we’re just kidding ourselves. There will never be such a thing, just like there will never be a Channing Tatum movie that doesn’t make you want to take a long nap off a short pier.

We all know that the skinny-dipping moment is when Ben obviously fell in “love” with Courtney, but when was the moment that he realized how mind-numbingly boring it would be to actually spend time with this woman? I would say it was that hilarious scene when Ben had to endure Courtney as she read aloud from her letter to him, which was more generic than a message in a fortune cookie.

If we wanted to hear about the “past” and the “future,” which Courtney mentioned multiple (!) times in the letter, we’d watch Back to the Future. The only time guys want something to be read out loud to them is when the delivery place reads back our take-out order, and that’s only to make sure that they didn’t forget our crazy bread. (Forgetting a man’s crazy bread is an offense punishable by death — or at least a substandard tip.)

Then again, the infamous “reading aloud” moment was nowhere as awkward as that truly terrible skiing date that Ben went on with Lindzi. Why do girls think that we want to teach them things or be taught things on a date? (*cough* Jamie Otis) We don’t; we just want to dominate whatever it is we’re doing, and then go home and get it on. Just let us ski the double-diamond slope, and we’ll meet you back at the lodge at the end of the day for shots.

03.15.2012 / 03:42 AM EDT by Ryan Gajewski
Related: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette

Share on Facebook0Share on Google+0Tweet about this on Twitter0