Wherein Hanna Chooses a Terrible Time For a Shower
No offense to Hanna (Ashley Benson), but she has terrible taste in friends, between Mona (who’s “A”) and Lucas (Brendan Robinson) (who’s creepy, too). Come to think of it, the only person we can think of who had worst taste in friends than Hanna would be Snow White. (Seriously — Snow White voluntarily spent time with a guy who went by the name of “Grumpy”? And a guy who couldn’t stop sneezing? We would have told her, “It’s time to meet some new people, Snow! Try joining a book club or something.”)
We loved how adorable Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) was when he surprised Hanna at the dance. Let’s face it: An episode without Caleb is like a trail mix without M&M’s. However, we’re not sure why Hanna wanted to dress as Romeo and Juliet. Of course, knowing Hanna, she probably never actually finished reading that play, so she just assumes it has a happy ending. (“And then Romeo and Juliet got married, and then they had a lot of children, and then they moved to a retirement home in Boca Raton, Florida. The end!”)
And if we’re being honest, we wouldn’t have judged Hanna too harshly if she had decided to actually slam her car into Mona as Mona was chasing after Spencer (Troian Bellisario), since Mona had proven to be repulsive and completely fake. (Come to think of it, “repulsive” and “completely fake” are also words that we would use to describe the new Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell.)
Wherein Aria Decides to Never Again Share Her Fro-Yo With Melissa
Is it just us, or did Aria (Lucy Hale) and Ezra (Ian Harding) basically have the sexiest dance scene in history (not counting Tom Cruise dancing in his underwear in Risky Business)? And to anyone who thought that Ezra was “A,” we have this to say to you: You should be ashamed, much like those scientists who release info about fried foods being bad for your heart. (In other words, we all know there’s a possibility, but you don’t have to say it out loud.)
And our second-favorite Aria moment was when she surprised Mary Smith Spencer by volunteering to help scope out the hotel guest book. C’mon — who doesn’t love Sparia? We just wish that the word “Sparia” didn’t sound like something that you could catch in a third-world country. Like, it sounds like a cross between SARS and gonorrhea. Yikes.
Wherein Emily’s Grief Leaves Our Heart Shattered in a Million Tiny Pieces. (Something’s Broken into a Million Pieces? Someone Get the Swiffer.)
For us, the most memorable scene was seeing Maya in a body bag (and in case you were wondering, body bags are *so* not in this season). Well, we think it’s Maya, but we’re hoping it’s not! And on this show, you never can be sure if a character is really dead. Come to think of it, characters on this show are kinda like cargo shorts — they often keep showing up around town, even when you wish they wouldn’t.
So how did Maya get in that body bag? It’s probably “A”-related, since we hear Mona’s watch alarm go off at midnight, just before we see the body. It’s certainly conspicuous that Melissa (Torrey DeVitto) was standing in the crowd as the body gets rolled out. Was this the job of the “black swan” — and was that Melissa? (Nevermind that the girl dressed as black swan had no baby bump.) Speaking of “black swan,” perhaps Natalie Portman is “A”? (However, if you ask us, nothing that “A” has done is more painful than sitting through No Strings Attached.)
Wherein Spencer Wraps Up the “A” Mystery. (Get It — “Wraps”? The Gum Wrapper? Never Mind.)
If it were up to us, would we have tried to save Mona from the edge of that cliff, as Spencer did? Fat chance (and no, us using the words “fat chance” was not intended as a Hefty Hanna reference). But it looks as though Spencer is a better person than we are. Oh, and who turns down a free piece of gum? If someone asks us if we want gum, we don’t care if we’re even already in the act of chewing a different piece of gum — we’re taking the freakin’ gum.
And come to think of it, why did Spencer believe Mona when she said she had to go to her car to get extra gum? Did Spencer think that Mona just recently went on a Costco run, and so there’s a massive case of gum in her trunk? (Come to think of it, Mona presumably buys black gloves in bulk as well.)
Then again, all we really cared about with Spencer was seeing her get back together with Toby (Keegan Allen). If you weren’t in tears by the time Toby delivered his line about how pretending not to love her was the hardest thing he’s had to do, then it’s probably because you’re a robot who hasn’t yet mastered human emotions.
- First of all, let’s discuss the fact that Mona is “A.” Sure, this is a perfectly sensible, safe choice. But is it shocking? Uh, not so much. The producers had promised that we’d be shocked by this scene, which is kinda like someone telling you that they have shocking news about bacon, and then the shocking news is: Bacon is delicious. (C’mon — everyone already knows that bacon is delicious. In fact, we wish we were eating some right now.) Plus, they told us that “A” wouldn’t be the same as the person in the books and since Mona was “A” in the books we are a little disappointed.
- So because we weren’t shocked by the identity of “A,” the episode felt like a bit of a letdown. Who do we wish had been “A”? Gee — who knows! But since we were thinking we’d be shocked, our minds were racing to think of people who would really shock us. Say, maybe a parent. Or perhaps Simone, Aria’s babysitter from Season 1. (Remember her?) Now that would have been shocking. (Random, but shocking.)
- We will admit that Mona’s lair in room #2 of the Lost Woods Resort was pretty freakin’ scary. But what’s even scarier is thinking about how much money Mona has paid in hotel charges for that room all this time. And did Mona really need to change into her hoodie in order to attack Spencer? Maybe Mona is sorta like Superman, who can only fly while wearing his cape and tights. (Where’s a phone booth these days when you need one?)
- Spencer mentions that Melissa dressed as the black swan in Philly last year, so of course we’re wondering if Melissa is the black swan again. Of course, whoever was the black swan at the masquerade ball wasn’t pregnant, which makes us wonder if Melissa isn’t actually preggers. And if the film Baby Mama taught us anything, it’s that 99% of women who claim to be pregnant are probably just faking it. (At least, we’re pretty sure that’s what it taught us.)
- Who knew that the word “toffee” would become a major clue? Certainly, it was no coincidence that “toffee” was both the flavor of frozen yogurt that Melissa was wolfing down, along with the color of lipstick that Crazy Mona is wearing. Is this some sort of hint that the two are working together?
- It’s now apparent that someone has been controlling Mona and is in charge of this so-called “A team,” but who? Our first guess would be Ali’s twin, and we’re thinking that Ali’s twin was the person in red who visits Mona at the loony bin mental health facility. (And was anyone else hoping that the person in red would put Mona out of her misery and hold a pillow over her face, a la One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Or was that just us?)
- It was nice to see some continuation of the Dr. Sullivan storyline, but it was more than a little far-fetched that Toby somehow knew where she was hiding and was able to bring her back. That’s why we’re starting to wonder if Toby knows Dr. Sullivan’s son (and since Toby calls her “Dr. Sullivan” on the phone, he’s probably not her son himself). Could her son be Lucas?
- There are still a whole slew of questions about where Maya went and who might be responsible for her death. And we’ll admit to being quite heartbroken that this is apparently the end of the road for Emaya, especially since Em wasn’t able to answer Maya’s call. Seriously — if anyone in the world has had worse relationship luck than Emily, then we do not envy that person.
- What is Lucas’ role in all this, since he’s chatting up Jenna at the dance? And what’s he been doing since we last saw him? Let’s just say he probably hasn’t been trying out for the school’s rowing team, given how slowly we saw him rowing that boat with Hanna in it back in “A Hot Piece of ‘A.’” We’re thinking that the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network could teach him a thing or two about rowing. (And Lucas could probably teach the Winklevoss twins a thing or two about making money from the internet.)
Other Things That Need To Be Discussed:
- So what will Ezra now do for work? We’re thinking that, if he wants to work at a place that doesn’t seem to have high standards about who they hire, he might consider applying for a job at the Lost Woods Resort. In fact, he and that guy Harold both: 1.) seem to enjoy quiet time alone, and 2.) are both probably registered sex offenders. (Well, we don’t know for sure that Harold is a sex offender, but let’s call it a hunch, shall we?)
- We almost burst into laughter when Dr. Sullivan said that Mona had a “high level of intelligence.” Say what?! Uh, we’ll take your word for it, Sully. We had no idea that the ability to do well on the “Showcase Showdown” of The Price is Right qualified as “high intelligence.”
- Does Mona think that Hanna is only allowed to have one friend? Apparently, Mona wants Hanna to be a bigger loner than Ryan Gosling was in Lars and the Real Girl. (Sorry — give us a second while we fantasize about The Gos. [Long pause.] Okay, we’re good.)
- Why was Melissa hogging Aria’s fro-yo? Note to Melissa: This isn’t The Hunger Games, where you either have to swipe people’s food, or else subsist on chipmunk meat. (And speaking of The Hunger Games, we’re thinking that Hanna and Haymitch would actually be close friends, given their mutual disrespect for authority and their love for boozin’ it up.)