Apparently Sammi and Ronnie are the only two castmates bold enough to sit next to The Situation, who finds himself in a SamRon sandwich. And that’s just the first of many injustices to come.
Ronnie’s the first (and the second) to get in a lesbian dig at Deena, and a few more softball questions about tanning are thrown their way by the reunion hostess Amy Paffrath. Amy actually asks The Situation if the weather on the Shore was normal last summer. How many minutes left until The Situation walks off the set?
Not that many, apparently! Snooki and Mike are the first two to be put in the hot seat, and Snooks makes a big show of sitting as far away from him as possible.
“I’m not causing drama with her at all, I just don’t want to be called a liar,” says Mike. We bite our tongue and promise not to mention his recent flubbing of the truth on his website. We’re treated to a flashback of all the times The Situation threatened to tell “the truth,” including the time Jionni just didn’t really care that much.
“He’s obsessed!” yells Snooki. “Get another hobby!” She says she’d rather go home and masturbate than hook up with him. “You have not had one girlfriend except your sister!”
They continue screaming, and Snooki makes a grave mistake by saying she would “never” hook up with him, forgetting that they hooked up on camera during Season 1. The resilient Amy asks, will they ever be friends again? “Get f**king real,” is Snooki’s mature and elegant reply. Leave daft Amy and her notecards out of it, Snooks!
Ronnie! The mouth on this kid all of a sudden. He keeps shouting out words of encouragement to Mike, like, “[You’re] surrounded by ice, but there’s a heart in there.” To be fair, we know for a fact that The Situation is not a good actor. And in his reaction shots, he looks truly hurt. Frankly, the flashbacks make him look like a guy who’s suffering from substance abuse.
JWOWW asks Mike to “man up” for doing or saying mean things to others in the house. Vinny, being a very literary guy now, says “the biggest villains have the biggest hearts.” We could have sworn Michael Caine said something like that in one of the Batman movies. Wise men, both.
Weirdly, no one can come up with specific examples of when Mike did bad things to them, except some name-calling. Mike (understandably?) walks off the set, as promised. JWOWW has her momma bear moment with him outside, looking superb in a skin-tight sunshine-yellow mini-dress in the middle of the day while standing in an alley in 5-inch heels, and everything seems like it could be fine. Mike’s back after the commercial break.
The Situation makes a very straightforward apology to the whole gang and Amy says, “We’re all friends again!” Deena Nicole is called to the hot seat, which is piping hot, since she’s forced to sit between Snooki and Mike.
Yay for best Deena moments of Season 5! “The wilderness!” There’s Deena “defying the laws of intelligence” in the “sharp”-infested waters. Not enough D in this reunion, in our opinion.
It’s time for the bromance buddies to shine: Vinny and Pauly D. The boys are eerily serious watching Vinny’s heartbreaking exodus from the house and prompt recovery. Jokes are made, and then our favorite stalker, Vanessa, comes up in conversation. Pauly says, “The scariest part about it is she wouldn’t talk. No talking, just stalking.”
JWOWW says the secret of staying in love at the Jersey Shore is to “not take it too serious.” Next, it’s SamRon’s turn to look back at Season 5. They’re cute, Sam can cook, and Sam explains that she can decorate cakes because “I’m like an artist.” Peeta, someone’s stealing your thunder! Amy makes her first successful joke of the night by observing that, maybe when they return from the commercial break, SamRon will be back together. We’re glad Amy’s notecards weren’t wasted.
And that’s it folks! The fifth season of Jersey Shore is officially over. But we won’t be missing the guidos: Pauly D’s spin-off premiere next week on Thursday at 10:30 pm ET/PT and JWOWW and Snooks are already working on their own Jersey City show. And, we all know that MTV has just picked up a sixth season of the show, which means we’ll get at least one more look at the gang back in Seaside Heights.