14. No more Frosted Flakes for us
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger-style.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): Naked with a kerchief?
Jess: No, what do you call top, no pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that’s like a Winnie the Pooh? Or a Paddington Bear?
Winston (Lamorne Morris): Donald the Duck.
Schmidt: I guess pretty much any kind of bear, except for Yogi, because that’s naked with a tie.
Winston: Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
13. Where’s Jesse Eisenberg?
Jess, to Nick (Jake Johnson), upon seeing the party: What’s going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?
12. She’s like a Harry Potter goblin
Jess, to Russell: Guys my age always want to skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don’t give them, because I’m stingy with my gold... unless they dig for it.
11. And his young, impressionable female students
Nick, on his old law school roommate, Dirk: He’s getting his PhD in poetry, so.
Jess: That sucks for poems.
10. Ah, the simple life
Dirk, on his recent breakup: Her leaving has allowed me to realize the one thing that was missing in my life...
Dirk: Undergraduate ladies. Girls our age, what do they want? They want us to wed them, sire their children, they want you to have a bed frame. They want you to eat off plates. Girls in college, all they want you to do is tell them their photography has potential.
9. Want to put that on your resume, Schmidt?
Cece (Hannah Simone): Oh, I get what’s happening here. It’s ‘cause ponytail called you a “sex receptionist.”
Schmidt: A sex receptionist answers calls all day! A sexcretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office. So first of all, thank you for the demotion. And second of all, I quit.
8. A true poet
Dirk, to Nick: You were a panty-melting icon in law school. If panties were snowmen, you were March, bro.
7. 20-year-olds have selective hearing
College girl: Are you a professor, too?
Nick: No, I’m a bartender who’s 30 years old and doesn’t have health insurance.
College girl: You know how to make drinks?
Nick: Do I know how to make drinks, did you say?
College girl: Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
Nick: Yeah, I do that professionally.
College girl: You could get me drunk professionally?
6. It’s Jess!
Jess, to Russell on their date: How’s your prostate? I had my breast exam last week, and they’re fine — it’s just boob in there — but we have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying.
5. To be young again...
Nick, on 20-year-old girls: They don’t know what Saved by the Bell is and they’ve never felt pain.
4. Cece’s boobs are serious troublemakers
Schmidt, as Cece unbuttons her top: Don’t bring them into this. [to the boobs] Hi, guys — Harold, Kumar — I love you both. Ah, the zany adventures we’ve had. But we can’t go to White Castle today.
3. Extreme, no?
Schmidt: It’s been two hours. This is officially crazy. Also, I have to go to the bathroom.
Cece: Then just pee yourself.
Schmidt: So you’d rather sit in my urine for the rest of the car ride than admit to Winston that we’re sleeping together?
Cece: Yep, absolutely. I don’t even have to think about it.
2. It was a very good year
Jess, to Russell: 1989, my friend, was the year I learned how to use the toaster by myself.
1. Very scientific
Jess: Schmidt says the moment a woman touches the phone, she loses her power. Unless she’s sexting, in which case she gains a half-power.