Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes go on a little furniture-shopping excursion. NeNe's on the hunt for a new bed, now that she's definitely decided to move forward with her divorce from Gregg. Cynthia points out that the news is "huge." Thanks for that exceptional insight. NeNe agrees that her and Gregg are just different people now, but that he'll always be family to her. But, yeah, they're gonna have to stop sexin' and she's gonna miss it. Can't say we feel the same.
Later, she lunches with her Fagmilia stalker/admirer, John Kolaj, who presents her with another one of his extravagant gifts: a Rolex watch. As in, a $30,000 Rolex watch. NeNe admits to the cameras that this relationship might be getting a bit weird... but she's still gonna keep the watch, duh. Bling, bling, bling!
More Crazy (but Far More Appropriate) Gifts
To celebrate Kroy's birthday and their recent engagement, Kim Zolciak takes her new fiance out for a baby-free dinner. After a heartwarming speech about how most people would not have left Big Poppa to be with him (touching, really), Kim surprises Kroy with his birthday gift: a freaking Porsche. Who the hell paid for that?!
Cynthia's Model Search (Ability to Eat a Plus)
Meanwhile across town, Cynthia is prepping for her first open call for models for the Bailey Agency. As girls and guys strut their stuff on her makeshift runway, Cynthia keeps things Simon Cowell-style real, telling hopefuls they're just not model material.
Also, she explains to us that there's more to being a good model than just looks. In fact, she claims models need to be smart because they are faced with very complicated challenges in their careers... like, you know, taking cabs and ordering lunch for themselves.
In the end, ten girls and a handful of guys meet her criteria.
Welcome to Dickland
Elsewhere, Kandi Burruss is super excited to receive the Bedroom Kandi sample products in the mail. Happiness & Joy is everything she dreamed of, and the lipstick-slash-clitstick is adorable and waterproof. Kandi can't wait to secretly use it on plane rides.
Naturally, a new line of sex toys calls for a sex-toy party, and Kandi is planning an all-ladies event. First order of business: hiring eye candy.
Phaedra Parks and Sheree Whitfield are happy to join Kandi on the judging panel, and they are brutal. The interviews consist of men taking off their shirts — the first guy gets harassed for his taco-meat chest hair, while the second just gets yelled at for not working out. Luckily, the rest of the meat, er, men come prepared with roses, strawberries, expert massage skills and sexy chiseled bods. Hired!
The launch event itself is, well, definitely a big step up from last week's funeral shindig. Kandi gets a great turnout since she advertised the party on Twitter, much to the Talls' dismay (who don't even say hello to Kandi upon arriving, but instead sip wine huddled together in a corner). NeNe and Cynthia both make condescending remarks about subjecting themselves to hanging out with "Twitter people." We're sure that will go over great with all their followers.
Phaedra, Sheree, Kim, and even Mama Joyce are having a blast, though, testing all the products and enjoying the pampering stations. Eventually, Marlo Hampton and Cynthia indulge in some sensual massages themselves, but NeNe refuses to budge, explaining that she's just not into Dickland.
Actually, she's so turned off by the whole atmosphere that she decides to leave the party early, even though she's Cynthia's and Marlo's ride. When she tells her posse she's taking off, Marlo tells her she's being such a sourpuss (finally, the woman speaks some sense!). Alas, where NeNe goes, the Talls follow.
Cynthia and Marlo at least finally say hello — and goodbye — to Kandi and the rest of the women, but NeNe can't be bothered with "those bitches" and proceeds out the door. Foreshadowing of what's to come, perhaps?
Kim and Kroy got hitched on 11/11/11, but have yet to go on a honeymoon.
Bedroom Kandi has earned Kandi a new luxury estate, and she's shifted from country music to rock. (No doubt, a good move for her music-sensitive sex toys.)
Phaedra's busy designing a new makeup line for dead people, as well as shooting a fitness video with her hubby, Apollo, geared at achieving a donkey booty. Get ready for mad squats and lunges.
Sheree's still fighting her ex, Bob, for child support, and her house has seen zero progress. In other words, absolutely nothing has changed. Kinda depressing.
Cynthia's Bailey Agency is doing well, as is her relationship with Malorie... as long as the conversation is Peter-free.
Finally, NeNe is rocking the role of Coach Roz on Glee and her divorce with Gregg is official. Her resolution to stay friends is going strong, but apparently they're still sexin'. Ugh.
Well, there you have it — another season of our Housewives behind us. This should be one helluva reunion.