15. TMI, Schmidt
Schmidt (Max Greenfield), while in bed with Cece (Hannah Simone): Jess, this room is not a place of comforting. This is Darwin’s jungle, where open-minded people do weird things to each other.
Cece, to Schmidt: Go away.
14. The only think Nick shares with Mark Zuckerberg is a penchant for hoodies
Schmidt, to Nick (Jake Johnson) while looking at his Real Apps “prototype”: There’s no brushed steel, no nickel. It’s got none of the baller metals. C’mon, man, I’m not going to get Winklevossed because of your sloppiness.
13. Russell gives bad drunk advice
Russell (Dermot Mulroney), while drunk: Your boss is power-playing you, so you need to power-play him back.
Winston (Lamorne Morris): How do I do that?
Russell: Dip your boys in his shake.
12. If you like it then you should put a straw in it
Napoli, to Winston: I want six shakes in my fridge at all times ready to go, and I want it Beyonce colored. Not darker, not lighter — Beyonce.
11. Our fond memories of capture the flag are now sullied
Schmidt: You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do, is we like to fight with our bodies. It’s like a really intense game of capture the flag.
10. “Bowl brothers” is not a thing
Jess (Zooey Deschanel), to Nick as he eats from Russell’s bowl: Nick, don’t eat his noodles.
Nick: But we’re bowl brothers now.
Jess: No you’re not. Tighten up, guys.
9. Candyland for adults? We’re in
Jess, describing True American: So it’s like 50 percent drinking game, 50 percent life-size Candyland.
Schmidt: It’s actually more like 75 drinking, 20 Candyland. And by the way, the floor is molten lava.
Winston: It’s actually 90 percent drinking, and then it’s got a loose Candyland-like structure to it.
Jess: But with stakes.
8. It’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith-meets-Pretty Woman
Jess, at a fancy party with Russell: I love these parties. I feel like I’m an ambassador, a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.
Russell: Well, Jess, it’s a political fundraiser. Who’s to say you can’t be all three?
7. Can you copyright an idea you “midwife”?
Schmidt: Nick, Real Apps is my idea.
Nick: Real Apps is not your idea.
Schmidt: Yeah, sure, you may have birthed the idea, but I midwifed it, and I midwifed the crap out of it.
6. Smart kid
Winston: You know I’m not going to be here forever, right?
Alvin: I know about death, Winston. I know there’s no farm where dogs and grandpas go.
5. Very smart kid
Alvin: Maybe we should get to work on your resume, because yours is terrible. It’s 2012, Winston. Typing is not a “special skill.”
4. This makes us much happy
Russell: So you really just call these “ethnic noodles”?
Jess: No, actually, I don’t know. There’s no English writing on the boxes. [reads from box] “Find water, grow hot, family celebrate plus.”
3. Zigazig ah!
Jess: That’s where I live, and those are my friends, and that wasn’t even the first stabbing this month. Russell, my life is just as important as your life, and if you want to get with me, you have to get with my friends. And that is a Spice Girls song.
2. Hopefully he keeps the Disney references in check while bartending
Nick, who opens the door while holding a cheese plate: Russell, hey. I can show around, I can show you our world. Way up here, it’s crystal-clear.
Jess: Nick, you’re doing Aladdin.
1. Just like futures trading
Jess, to Russell: These are hangover eggs. See, they’ll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day, or you’ll just throw it all up really fast. It’s high-risk, high-reward.