Time to bundle up, because the weather has turned icy on Revenge — probably because Victoria's been breathing on everyone. This week, Emily's scheming is even more complicated than usual, and the situation is only exacerbated by Daniel and his massive cowl neck. Sigh, it might be time to carve the double infinity sign into some drift wood …
Welcome to winter in The Hamptons, a terrifying place where peacoats with popped collars roam freely and ladies think it's socially acceptable to wear jodhpurs in public. Daniel's trial is up and running, and boyfriend has never been more nervous. We've hardly ever seen Danny so distressed, and chunky turtlenecks seem to be his only comfort.
But forget Daniel (for now); the person we're really worried about is Queen Victoria. Her flirtation with leather and tie-dye wasn't just a phase — and she's back at Dominik's bachelor pad for more middle-aged love making. This time, Dominik has Victoria wearing some kind of unfortunate painter's smock, and she's taken to reciting impromptu haikus about "fire and ash." Just roll with it.
Of course, Victoria hasn't completely lost her edge, and she pays her favorite minion, Lee, to threaten juror No. 3 in order to get Daniel an acquittal — a fact that Emily finds out by bugging Victoria's house! Ah, the trusty whale cam. How we've missed you.
Time to check in on Jack Attack. This hunk comes back from his soul-searching expedition as soon as he hears that Declan's about to take the witness stand, but unfortunately he's more delusional than ever. Not only is Jack wandering around town with a bloody hoodie, but he plans to show it to the jury! Someone save him from himself.
Jack heads over to Emily's pad for some advice about Mandy (while Daniel peers at them bitterly from his mother's turret), and they have a deep conversation next to a roaring fire. Maybe we're just high on lobster meat, but we sensed some major sexual tension between these childhood sweethearts.
Meanwhile, Charlotte's popping pills faster than Nolan's popping collars. She can't testify during Daniel's murder trial because everyone thinks she's strung out on downers, so she tries to convince Declan to corroborate her story on the witness stand. Even though Char hates Declan even more than we hate his mushroom cut, she heads over to the boathouse to fondle his man necklace in the hopes that it will get him on her side. As if!
It's the day of Declan's testimony, and the poor kid is completely torn about what to say (so many tears). Will he do the people of Montauk a solid and lie on the stand, or will he try to get back into Charlotte's drug-addled panties? Despite a quivering jaw, Declan tells the jury that he didn't see anyone on the beach, and adds that Charlotte was stoned out of her mind the night Tyler was killed. Uh-oh, someone just committed perjury!
To make matters worse, Jack is subpoenaed as a hostile witness, and if he tells the truth on the witness stand, Dekks could go to jail! Thank God Nolan comes to the rescue, and he gets Jack out of The Stowaway so Emily can work her magic and steal his blood-soaked hoodie. P.S.: How did this gal's hair get so long in just a few months? We're jealous.
So, what's Daniel up to while Emily's plotting and scheming? He's filled with so much angst that there's zero room left in his journal, and he proceeds to get wasted on Victoria's turret. Then, he wanders down the beach in a rage (take that, ankle monitor!), breaks into Emily's house, and sits on the stairs in a funk.
OK, time to grab a lobster roll because things are about to get intense. When Emily finally shows up, Daniel accuses her of cheating, pushes her up against a wall (no he did not!) and immediately gets himself hauled away by the police. Sigh, hope you enjoy the group showers in jail, buddy. Try not to get shivved with a Birkin bag.
Murder, She Wrote
What's Emily's plan now that Daniel thinks she's a cheater? Simple. She heads to Victoria's castle and claims that she was only hanging with Jack as a way to find out more about Amanda. She even admits to breaking into The Stowaway for information!
Of course, Emily was actually wandering through the mean streets of New York City, where she planted Jack's hoodie in Lee's car. Yep, in one fell swoop, Emily saves Jack, exonerates Daniel, and frames Lee for murder! Glad this girl hasn't lost her edge. We were really worried about her during that burlap sack phase.
In other news, it's time for Conrad's moment in the sinister spotlight. This silver fox appears to have a case of extreme jealousy, because he heads to Dominik's love chamber and promptly kicks him out of town by threatening to expose his past as an art forger. Poor Victoria, now who will she talk to about post-postmodernism?
Speaking of our Queen, Victoria completely panics when she finds out that Lee's been framed for Daniel's murder — but don't worry. She doesn't have to stress for too long, because Lee's body is found hanging in an apparent suicide. But is everything as it seems? Of course not. As Emily listens in on a recording from Conrad's room, she realizes that he had Lee killed, and was likely responsible for her father's death back in the '90s! Looks like it's time to kick the revengenda up a notch, Em.
Oh, and in case anyone cares, Charlotte is trading sex for pills with her ex-boyfriend. Paging Betty Ford?