18. No and no
Jess (Zooey Deschanel): I’m gonna end up alone. I’m gonna be a single old lady flashin’ people on the subway.
Schmidt (Max Greenfield): Jess, first of all, you’re never gonna be old, because humans, we’re gonna be immortal by 2026.
17. Schmidt, meet the source of Cece’s sass
Schmidt: How does a guy like me have a chance at making someone like Cece happy?
Cece’s grandmother: You don’t, not with all those moles on your face.
16. A throw pillow? Wow, so hot...
Paul (Justin Long), to his “Asian Jess” girlfriend, Jen: Jess and I slept together.
Jess: Oh, God.
Paul, to Jen: I want to be completely honest with you. It happened two days ago, and we did lots of stuff. There was touching, and there were hands. I think we ruined a throw pillow.
Jess, to Jen: He’s making it sound a lot more erotic than it was. It was just, like, lying there [makes blah sound].
15. It’s certainly big enough...
Jess, on Winston’s earring: Does that feed information back to Shelby about your migration pattern?
Winston (Lamorne Morris): So you and Cece are staying away from each another?
Schmidt: Only until my penis stops looking like a knotted wizard staff.
13. The earring has got to go
Winston: Sometimes when you make a mistake, all you can do is own up to it, alright? Because it’s something you can’t fix. Knowledge.
Jess: Take it easy, black George Michael.
12. Seriously, Winston
Winston, who just got his ear pierced: Traditionally, the male of the species is more glamorous.
Schmidt: When’s it coming out, by the way?
Winston: The earring?
Schmidt: No, the smooth jazz album you’re dropping.
11. And this is why Winston isn’t a songwriter
Winston: Hey, Jess, what’s this song called?
Jess: “The River.” Do you like it?
Winston: Yeah, yeah, I liked it when you played it for the first time at 10 o’clock last night. I liked it a little bit less at 2 a.m. And now I’m kinda hoping that the sun comes up, thaws that river, and that woman drowns.
10. Avian flu? More like avian fever
Schmidt: Oh look, Cece, a bird! [feels a little pain down there] Ow! Dammit!
Cece (Hannah Simone), exasperated: Schmidt, it’s a mother bird in her nest.
Schmidt: Must I say it, Cece?
9. For someone who’s turned on by pretty much anything remotely feminine, a broken penis has to be excruciating
Schmidt: Know this: You’re not the only one who’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I have a–
Jess: Don’t say broken penis.
Schmidt: A broken penis. Don’t pretend you know my pain.
8. The man has a point
Schmidt, to Jess: The fact that you were wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that relationship was doomed from the start.
7. But is she hotter than Jess?
Nick (Jake Johnson): Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head, who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I’m a failure and that I look bad in hats.
Schmidt, while in an old folks home: These people are disgusting. I’ve never been more flaccid in my life!
5. Best. Threat. Ever.
Cece’s grandmother, to Schmidt: If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.
4. Clever, sir
Schmidt, to the old people: How do I build a relationship?
Old man: How ‘bout Viagra? I use it to keep from falling out of bed.
3. It’s so nuanced
Nick, reading a poem he wrote back when Caroline dumped him: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch.” Really, Nick?
2. “Soulmate” is a relative term...
Paul: I don’t want to lose her. Jess, she’s my soulmate.
Jess: For someone with a soulmate, you sure did have sex with me.
Jess, to Jen: I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I’m just Caucasian you.