Grab your favorite toe-ring, because Revenge is taking us on an epic adventure to The Year 2002, a time where split ends were socially acceptable, and Emily hadn't turned into a robot!
And in case you've blocked out 2002 for fear of having a Savage Garden relapse, here's a list of some things that were popular: henna (excuse us while we LOL), Sims, tube tops, chokers, and AOL instant messenger.
Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday
Ahhhh, 2002. A wonderful year wherein people said "pimp" instead of "cool," and everyone was high off the dulcet tones of LFO. Everyone including Emily Thorne, an unhinged jailbird with a penchant for binge drinking.
Let's just say, the Emily we know and love would never be caught dead pounding vodka (poor man's juice), but 2002's Emily (still known as Amanda Clarke) is almost as crazy as her outfits. Which, we might add, are criminal.
Emily's fresh our of juvie and reeling from her father's death, and she can't wrap her mind around the fact that he was set up by the Graysons.
Of course, Nolan and his omnipresent freedom forehead are lurking around every corner, and he's seriously concerned by Emily's post-juvie behavior. Especially when she bashes an innocent stud's head in with a toilet seat.
Nolan convinces Em to read her dad's literary musings, and low-and-behold, she transforms from an Alanis Morissette look-alike into a deadly fashionista. From here on out this gal's revenge radar is on red alert!
First on Emily's revengenda is a trip to the Hamptons, where she immediately has a flashback to New Year's Eve in the 1990s. In said flashback, Em's dad and "Uncle Bill" (the stock trader who sold out David) head off to the Grayson's annual party, but forget them –– who is that mystery blond woman sitting on Emily's couch ... her mom? Her babysitter?
Sigh, this calls for a Now That's What I Call Music 11 jam session.
You Can Rely on Me, Honey
It's been about eight months since David's murder, and as far as we're concerned it's time for some beyond-the-grave haunting. When Conrad and Victoria get an ominous blood splattered letter signed "David Clarke" in the mail, they decide to throw a soiree and roundup the prime suspects –– because that's a totally normal way to respond to bodily fluids in your mailbox.
The dynamic duo head to the Hamptons to get the party started, when who should show up but Lydia, Conrad's sexy mistress who miraculously survived being thrown from the roof. You know, the one that disappeared a few months ago in present-day Revengeville??
Well, Lydia's back in flashback form, and she's better than ever! Plus, she and her hubby want to buy a beach house, and they have their eye on the prize: David Clarke's bungalow of infinity!
Of course, Victoria can't handle the prospect of selling her love shack, so she heads to David's house to shed a few soft tears while Emily hides behind the staircase.
But wait! Victoria has a flashback-within-a-flashback (things are getting meta), and we visit the roaring '90s, where the ice queen herself mingles with a dapper David Clarke.
Sigh, Victoria was so fresh-faced and innocent back then. Little did she know she'd spend her formative years binge eating caviar.
All Is Quiet on New Year's Day
Uhm, you guys. Jack has a mane of long hair. We know it was the early 2000s and the entire country was high on hemp, but there's no excuse for those lackluster locks.
Although, apparently Emily doesn't mind, because she walks into The Stowaway with one thing on her mind: Access to the Graysons' New Year's Party.
Turns out Jack's girlfriend is none too happy about working the event, and Em offers to take her place as a waitress –– but not before getting in a bonding moment with Sammy Dog, who's just as old and decrepit as ever.
To quote early 2K pop legends The Baha Men, "who let the dogs out?"
In other news, Nolan's back in the Hamptons to creep on Emily, and after unsuccessfully flirting with Jack's girlfriend, he chats up Mr. Porter and apologizes for unintentionally buying his house.
He even listens to Mr. P ramble on about his depressing love life while Jack's girlfriend secretly spies on them! Then, in an odd turn of events, she plants a kiss on Nolan's nerdy lips and Jack slugs him in the face.
Jeez, no wonder they have issues.
3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Happy New Year!
It's the night of the Grayson fete, and as Frank (RIP in the future, dude) wanders around like Sherlock Holmes, Emily suffers flashbacks all over Victoria's fine china.
Luckily, she gets distracted by David's friend, Roger Halstead, but they never get a chance to chat because Frank slits Roger's wrists as payback for sending the Grayson's hate mail.
Wow Frank, way to overreact. Plus, Mason Treadwell admits that he wrote the note, so Roger's death is in vain! Sigh, serial killers.
While Frank indulges in some good ol' fashioned murder, Conrad and Lydia get their mack on and Victoria has yet another flashback –– this time to the moment she offered David Clarke a jacket and he responded by saying his wife was dead.
Uhhh, how romantic –– but wait, wasn't David's wife chillin' at the house before the party? We're so confused byy this mystery woman!
So, how does this trip to flashback city end? Emily has an emotional breakdown on her dad's front porch, gets a double infinity sign tattood on her wrist (no pain, no gain), and we flash forward to New Year's Eve, present day.
Only, this time Emily's heading to the Graysons' annual party as their son's fiancee, and she looks about a thousand times crazier than usual. We approve!