The Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Emily Maynard Puts Her “Big Girl Panties” On For Love
Remember when Emily Maynard's world came tumbling down because Brad Womackturned out to be a total dud? Let's just say he's still getting hate mail from Ricki. But forget Brad — nowadays, Emily's movin' on up with a harem of eligible bachelors!
That's right, girlfriend is The Bachelorette, and we get to sit shotgun as she eye-sexes 25 new studs in the hopes of finding the perfect man. Or man child. Looking at you, Jef Holm.
The Calm Before The Storm
Last time we checked on Emily, she was tearfully processing her split from He Who Must Not Be Named and focusing on the fruit of her lady looms — who, by the way, is going to have massive therapy bills after this experience.
Emily and Ricki seem to spend their days feeding ducks, releasing balloons into the air (way to kill innocent birds), and being like, "ahhh luv yew" at each other. In other words, Emily needs a man in her life, because riding around on horses and blinking rapidly into the sunlight really isn't cutting it anymore.
That's where Chris 'Big Pimpin' Harrison and his curly-haired goodness comes in. Chris has 25 hotties for Emily to choose from, and none of them will be able to resist her! Of course, before Emily can meet her suitors, she has to sit down for a tete-a-tete with Chris (her personal guru and life mentor) complete with delightful candelabras, roaring fireplaces and conversations about how Emily wants a million babies. How will these dudes be able to resist her?
And now the moment we've all been waiting for: Emily gets to size up her bachelors (meat market alert!) while downing copious glasses of wine. In the interest of making things easy for you, we've broken these handsome gents into three groups: Guys Who Showed Up With Weird Sh*t, Guys Who Were Interesting Enough To Get Their Own Mini-Feature, and Everybody Else.
Guys Who Showed Up With Weird Sh*t
Doug Clerget: You guys, Doug and Emily have so much in common — which is probably why she gave him a "first impression" rose. Not only are they both ridiculously good looking, Doug is a single dad! He even made his small child, Austin, write Emily the longest love note ever, which we were forced to listen to her read out loud. Sigh, Austin. Learn how to form a legible sentence, buddy.
Chris Bukowski: At first, Chris seemed like any other guy desperate for lady love. But then he broke out bobble heads of himself and Emily and asked her to play with them on camera. We're so excited, we're so excited, we're so...scared.
Stevie: Ahhhh, Stevie. This guy showed up to the Bachelorette mansion with a boombox, and now Emily will never be able to watch Say Anything again without running away in fear.
Michael Nance: Sorry, "Music Michael." This long-haired hippie gifted Emily a guitar pick, and it's just like — where is home girl supposed to put this? Her dress didn't even have room for a bra, you fool!
Travis Pope: We have a feeling Travis' best friend is a Giga Pet he bought in 1999. He showed up to the mansion with an enormous egg, which he plans to carry for the duration of his tenure on The Bachelorette because it represents Ricki and Emily. If you don't understand him, we don't understand you, mmmk?
Guys Who Were Interesting Enough To Get Their Own Mini-Feature
Kalon McMahon: This class act showed up in a helicopter and now everyone hates him with a passion. Go figure.
Ryan Bowers: Ryan is a self-described mentor, who spends a lot of time sitting on piers, petting strange dogs that might not even belong to him, and jogging.
Tony Pieper: This single dad spends his spare time doing weird exercises with ropes (can you tell we don't work out? 'Cause yeah), and showed up to the mansion with a glass slipper. We're concerned about several things, including but not limited to the fact that he might have a foot fetish.
Lerone Anu: All we know about this suave man of mystery is that he has an extremely small dog who he takes on long, sad walks along the freeway.
David Homyk: Meet David, a singer songwriter who loves wearing scarves. He penned a hilarious balled for Emily called "Emily" (brilliant!), wherein he chants her name repeatedly while playing the piano. There's a thin line between fan-boy and stalker, David, and you just crossed it.
Charlie Grogan: Pretty much the Tiny Tim of the gang, Charlie fell off a balcony and suffered a traumatic brain injury. Don't worry, he impressed Emily with this studliness and sense of humor, but unfortunately he already has a girlfriend. His enormous dog.
Jef Holm: Uhm, we're in love. Not only does Jef ride around on a skateboard while the wind blows in his hair coif, he's the do-gooder CEO of a hipster water bottle company! Also, let's get real — we've had a soft spot for denim-on-denim ever since Justin Timberlake showed up to the 2001 VMAs in a texas tuxedo.
Arie Luyendyk, Jr.: Racecar sensation Arie Luyendyk spends his time walking down lonely roads in full leather jumpsuits while staring at the camera. In other words, we approve. Also, did we mention that he's a beautiful god amongst men? The only problem is that Arie shares the same profession as Em's dearly departed fiance. Awkward!
None of these boy-toys were especially noteworthy except Joe (who might be high on life — amongst other things), Kyle (who looked like he'd never seen a girl before), and John Wolfner (aka Wolf). Oh, and then there was Alejandro the mushroom farmer, who made the mistake of speaking to Emily in his native tongue as opposed to the language of love.
The Rose Ceremony
There's no amount of white wine that will make Emily's task easier! A large chunk of her suitors have to be axed, and this week, Jean-Paul LaCount (best name ever!), David Homyk, Lerone Anu, Jackson, and Brent didn't get a rose. Sob, we'll miss you, boys! Especially Jackson, who chose to say farewell by stripping off his shirt and showing his abs to the world. By the way, if Emily knows what's good for her, she'll give Jef some major loving this season. We might suffer some kind of breakdown if he gets kicked off the show.