According to Emily Thorne's weekly life lessons, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Suffice to say you'll experience all of these and more (sixth stage = binge eating pizza) during this week's episode of Revenge, because –– brace yourselves.
Sammy Dog is dead.
Join us in a prayer circle as we pour some puppy chow out for our fallen canine and play Sarah McLachlan on repeat.
Say Yes to the Dress
Time to check in on The Hampton's resident ice queen, Victoria Grayson! This lady is still recuperating from her sexcation in Williamsburg, and is more determined than ever to bring down Grayson Global.
In fact, she's so determined that can't stop smiling, and it's getting really, really creepy. Unfortunately, the SEC inform Victoria that there isn't enough evidence to prove that Conrad framed David Clarke, so she has to take matters into her own talons.
By the way, if you're wondering how Victoria and Conrad's relationship is doing, the answer is not good, guys. Not good at all. Victoria's upset to learn that Connie and Lydia are shacking up (she's alive!), but maybe this blond bombshell will make herself useful after all.
Victoria offers Lydia immunity from the SEC if she cooperates, and then proceeds to ferociously stab the fake De Kooning in Conrad's office until a big bag of evidence pops out.
Obviously, Conrad whips his hair back and forth in a rage when he discovers that Victoria's stolen the only material that ties him to David Clarke, and he heads to the family therapy session to have it out.
Vicki's reaction? Smiling like a crazy person until Daniel snaps her out of it and makes her hand over the evidence.
In other news, Emily and Daniel are planning their wedding, and Daniel thinks their nuptials are the perfect opportunity to get Grayson Global back on the map.
While Daniel organizes his wedding deets with extreme enthusiasm (someone get this dude on Bridezillas), Emily's all a-flutter about The White-Haired Man, and has taken to spying on Conrad.
Luckily, she witnesses The White-Haired Man pay a threatening visit to her future father-in-law, and she sends Conrad an anonymous home video in the hopes that he'll think it's from his nemesis. Bwahahaha, so cunning!
Also, new theory: The White-Haired Man is secretly Gandalf.
You guys, our sweet, innocent Daniel has turned to the dark side. It's been months since he's appeared shirtless, and all he seems to care about is saving Grayson Global — so much so that he tries to pay Jack a cool mill to keep quiet. Ha, as if!
At first, Jack finger-wags at Daniel's check and uses the phrase "blood money" (hilarious), but then he decides he wants to start a charity...with Emily.
For what? Ancient golden retrievers?
Speaking of Sammy, our senile little friend has stopped drinking fluids, presumably as a way to protest Jack's hair in 2002. The Stowaway bros are seriously worried about their pup (especially after he mysteriously disappears), so they head out into the snow to find him with the help of Declan's new study buddy from Yonkers.
That's right, Yonkers. We thought that was just fictional land people in the Hamptons made up to scare their children.
Oh, also? Charlotte's still poppin pills –– just in case anyone cares. Which they don't.
In fact, her drug habit is so severe that it's addled her brain, and when she sees Declan and his hemp bracelet hanging with Yonkers girl, she flips out and buys an entire kilo of cocaine!
All Dogs Go to Heaven
We're just as worried about Charlotte as the next person, but the time has come for sleuthing. As Emily predicts, Conrad meets up with The White-Haired Man in Brooklyn (uh, how does Connie even know where Brooklyn is?), and Em sends Nolan on a mission to track him down.
Nolan texts Em the White-Haired Man's address so she can get her vigilante on, but just kidding! The revenger has become the revengee!
Turns out Nolan has gone rogue, and in an effort to protect Emily he slaps on a moustache and gains access to The White-Haired Man's living room.
Not only does our favorite social outcast convincingly pretend to be a cable operator, he wires The White-Haired Man's TV so Em can spy on him. Operation Nolan is a success! Also, The White-Haired Man has so manyclocks.
While Nolan beats Emily at her own game, she heads home in a huff only to find Sammy half-dead on her front porch. Nooooooo, Sammy! You've made it so far, what's another hundred years?!
Em calls Jack in a panic, and together they drag Sammy's body into the house where everything gets realer than real ...
As Jack ugly-cries and Sammy eye-rolls, Emily gets turned on (go figure) and plants a kiss on Jack's lips while Ashley peeps on them through the window!
But forget Ash, all that matters is Sammy's dead body, which Jack and Emily bury on the beach. Sob!
Oh, and by the way? This episode ends with Nolan being attacked from behind by The White-Haired Man. If this frosty-tipped killer harms one hair on Nolan's Bieber Bang, we're gonna lose it.