You know, if we had days to think of witty comebacks to the slings and arrows life shoots our way, they would be hilarious, too. Alas, we generally just pull out our favorite TV insults when we need a good zinger. Check out some of the small screen’s greatest quips below, and let us know if we forgot any in the comments.
House, to Thirteen, on House: “I like you better now that you’re dying.”
Niles Crane, to his doppelganger Rodney, on Frasier: “Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay.”
Veronica Mars, to a random jerk, on Veronica Mars: “Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage in front of your nose.”
Susie Greene, misinterpreting Cheryl David’s words, on Curb Your Enthusiasm: “F**k you, you carwash c**t. I had a dental appointment!”
Lucille Bluth, to Lindsay Bluth, on Arrested Development: “You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.”
Kim Richards, to Brandi Glanville, on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: “You’re a slut pig.”
Paul Johnson Calderon, to Jules Kirby, on High Society: “Why don’t you go burn down another country house? [Dramatic pause.] Oh wait. You don’t have one.”
The Dowager Countess, to Lady Edith, on Downton Abbey: “Don’t be defeatist, dear. It’s very middle class.”
Blair Waldorf, to Jenny Humphrey, on Gossip Girl: “Nate loves Serena, Dan loves Vanessa — God knows why — and Chuck loves me. But you, Jenny? No one loves you. Except your daddy.”
Sue Sylvester, to Brittany S. Pierce and Santana Lopez, on Glee: "You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered — and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin."
Simon Cowell, to a contestant who told a sad story about his wife leaving him, on American Idol: “I'm tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you.”
Miss Hoover, to Ralph Wiggum, on The Simpsons: “The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.”
Jeff Winger, to the Glee Club, on Community: “Write some original songs!”
Leslie Knope (pretending to be Tom Haverford) on Parks and Recreation: “Damn, Jerry! You jumped in the creek for a burrito? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?”
Damon Salvatore, to Mason Lockwood, on The Vampire Diaries: “I look at you, and I see myself. A less dashing, less intelligent version.”
Deena Nicole, to The Situation, on Jersey Shore: "I can lose weight for free. You need about ten grand to fix your f**king face."
Jack Donaghy, to Liz Lemon, on 30 Rock: “I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.”
George Costanza, to Riley, on Seinfeld: “Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you!”
Karen, to Grace, on Will & Grace: “Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing.”
Teresa Giudice, to Danielle Staub, on Real Housewives of New Jersey: “Prostitution whore.”