You guys, Revenge. The time has come to grab every lobster claw you can find, shove them into your mouths, and chow down as tears of joy, anguish and triumph stream down your faces.
If that sounds intense, it's because it is. This is the season finale we're talking about, an event so momentous that Sammy the Dog committed puppy suicide because he couldn't handle the tension.
Sex, Lies, and Videotapes
It's a beautiful day in the Hamptons, and Emily's revengenda is near completion –– all thanks to her beloved and slightly idiotic hubby-to-be!
Daniel has unwittingly given Em access to every shred of evidence needed to bring down Grayson Global, and as soon as he tucks himself in bed for a night of beauty sleep, she steals his briefcase and pins it on The White-Haired Man. Cue Mr. Burns fingers!
Meanwhile, Jack is reeling from his emotional makeout session with Emily, not to mention the fact that he was totally turned on during his dog's last breath of life.
Jack's do-gooder levels are at an all time high, so he books it all the way to The Big Apple just to return Daniel's "blood money."
Unfortunately, the presence of Jack's plebeian hair flop reminds Ashley that he and Emily made out, and she spills the deets to Daniel.
In other news, Conrad's in panic about his bleak future, so he asks Lydia to marry him! And if you're wondering what Victoria thinks of this news, don't sweat it. She's single-mindedly focused on bringing down Grayson Global, and is shocked to find out that Conrad had David Clarke killed.
So, I Married An Axe Murderer
In case you need a reminder (as if!), Nolan was attacked from behind in the least sexy way ever, and he hasn't been heard from since. Emily's even more worried than we are, so she heads over to his house, briefly admires the life-sized Dolphin statue by his pool, and has an impromptu Skype session with The White-Haired Man.
That's right, he's kidnapped Nolan! Emily quickly heads to her nemesis' house, because –– you guessed it –– the time has come to do ju jitsu.
Em meets The White-Haired Man in a parking lot, proceeds to voluntarily chloroform herself, and flashes back to this one time she bonded with a half-dead bird. Alrighty, then.
When Emily wakes up, she finds herself shackled next to Nolan in a creepy dungeon, so she tells The White-Haired Man that the evidence he wants is hidden in a Port Authority locker. Oh, Emily, you deranged sleuth, you!
Our girl has set her internal robot panel to "get out of jail free," and as soon as The White-Haired Man leaves, she unlocks her shackles and tells Nolan to deliver the evidence to the Feds –– but not before declaring her undying love for Jack!
Commence happy sobs, mingled with sad sobs. Can't Jack and Daniel just forget Emily and make a six-pack sandwich?
Speaking of Emily, she's about to become an axe murder. She and The White-Haired man have an epic brawl, wherein Emily tries to chop him into a million pieces. But does our little Em have what it takes to kill? Nope. All because her free-spirited pops wanted her to save half-dead beach birds.
After freeing The White-Haired Man, all Emily wants to do is sit in front of a roaring fire and fantasize about pigeons, but Daniel isn't about to let that happen. As soon as Em walks through the door, he accuses her of cheating with Jack –– and the real shocker? She admits it and calls off the engagement!
Poor Daniel heads home and takes out his studly anger on Victoria, who puts him in his place with a bitch slap. Way to stand strong, Vicki! Your Mohican father-in-law, Chingachgook, would be proud.
Baby Makes 3
Sadly, things aren't looking up for our favorite avenger. The day after breaking up with Daniel, Victoria pays Em a snarky visit and makes her open the engagement gift she gave a few episodes ago.
Turns out it's empty, which apparently represents how empty Emily and Daniel's relationship was. Of course it also represents how batsh*t crazy Victoria is, but you know.
In even more psychotic news, Emily heads over to The Stowaway to tell Jack the truth about her identity, only to find Amanda lurking in the shadows with an enormous baby bump! Oh. Em. Gee.
Please let that be Satoshi's lovechild, because the thought of a floppy-haired baby is extremely upsetting. Then again, Jack is so the type of person to sperminate his way through birth control.
So, what about our boy Daniel? He's gone back to his alcoholic ways (no, not beer –– don't be crazy), and is desperate to get revenge on Emily by flirting with Ashley.
But whatevs, there are way more important things afoot than Daniel's poetic emotions. First of all, it appears as though The White-Haired Man has forgiven Emily for trying to axe him, because he lets her listen as he floats the idea of Conrad skipping town. Mysterious ....
Meanwhile, Charlotte's a total mess after spreading gossip that Yonkers Girl was hot for teach at her old high school, so naturally Victoria ditches her to testify in Washington with Lydia.
Alas, The White-Haired Man plants a bomb on the plane and it explodes, causing Charlotte to overdose on pills in distress.
Yep, that's right: Charlotte and Victoria are presumed dead, and we're presumed traumatized. Someone hand us a vat of caviar, stat. WE NEED FISH.
So, what's Emily up to while all her frenemies die? Sobbing in front of her fireplace because the evidence against Grayson Global went up in flames.
But don't worry –– Nolan un-encrypted the hard drive, and together they watch footage of Victoria dropping the biggest bombshell of the night: Emily's mom is alive and kickin'!
Catch you kids next season, we need to go get our drank on with Daniel.