Slick some bacon grease through your hair, munch on a strip of beef jerky and prepare for some major secrets to be revealed. After all, they don't call if Secret Life for nothing.
Oh, also everyone is suddenly bi-curious. Just roll with it.
Lady Love Shack
Anne and her enormous bangs are back from The City Of Love, and guess what? She's a lesbian! We know, shocking right?
Turns out Anne's been fantasizing about lady love for a long time, and she had a sexy makeout session with that hot French shopkeeper back in Paris. You go, girl!
Sadly, Anne thinks her family won't love her anymore now that she's come out of the closet, and her surly daughter definitely isn't helping.
Poor Amy's in the midst of a total breakdown thanks to her mom's sexual preferences, so she decides to change her wedding date from July 4 (hot dog consumption = "gay holiday") to ASAP.
That's right, Ricky and Amy are going to elope! But is it for the right reasons?
In other news, Anne is all confuzzled about her sexuality, and she's dismayed to find out that George and Kathleen are getting back together.
Luckily, Ricky "God Amongst Men" Underwood has Anne's back, and he assures her that being gay is no biggie. Sigh, he's such a good person, we could listen to him whisper sweet nothings about gay rights all night long.
By the way, we're not the only Ricky fan-girls in the house. Ashley Juergens is flirting up a storm with her brother-in-law to be –– but don't worry, it's just to annoy Amy.
Ash is head-over-heels in love with Toby, aka that weird little dude who held her hostage at a retirement home.
Burning Down the House
Oh, Benny From The Block. When will you learn? Despite being a recent divorcee and lady-impregnator, Ben wants nothing more than to jump coif-first into a serious relationship with Dylan, and apparently that means switching to her school.
Despite Leo's reservations (and untreated alcoholism — seriously, is he ever without a drink?), Ben won't stop seeing Dylan, and the two of them sneak into her school's lab to make s'mores with a bunsen burner.
Sigh, no good can come of this. There's no way Ben knows how to work a flame — after all, this is someone who fondles sausage links all day.
Not-so-shockingly, Ben gets home from his secret date only to have Leo inform him that Dylan's school has burned to the ground. Well, well, well. Guess Benny can add "pyromaniac" to his resume ... right after "professional sperminator."
By the way, Ben is so high off the thrill of burning down an entire building that he has crazy sex with Alice –– simultaneously cheating on his girlfriend and betraying his best friend with one night of sausagey passion.
I Like Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls
Grace is like a virgin, touched for the very first time by another lady. Poor Cookie Monster is totally traumatized by her lip lock with Adrian, so she takes off school and proceeds to drown her sorrows in a massive leather chair.
Luckily, Kathleen comes by to comfort her with a piece of chocolate cake, and suggests that Grace go on a sexploration.
Jack Attack is all about this plan (girl-on-girl action so much hotter than football-on-football action), and he convinces Grace to storm over to Adrian's house for another smooch. Oh, Jack. Such a perv
After kissing Adrian, Grace realizes that she isn't gay after all –– but she decides to dress up "like a lesbian" for no explicable reason. This involves cargo pants, a denim vest, a trucker hat, and fake tattoos. Because that isn't offensive or anything.
Meanwhile, Adrian's luvin' all the attention that her kiss with Grace is getting! Our little churro guzzler can't get enough of the spotlight, though her mom tells her that the gay community might be offended that she's treating lesbianism like a big joke.
But that's just the beginning of Adrian's problems. Omar breaks up with her for, like, the millionth time because she "cheated on him" with Grace!
Will Adrian win her man back — and, more importantly, will Ricky and Amy tie the knot? Find out during Secret Life's season 5 premiere! Which happens to be next week ....