True Blood Season 5 Premiere Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”
Credit: HBO    
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True Blood

True Blood Season 5 Premiere Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”

Pop a fang erection, y'all, True Blood is back and better than ever! It's been a year since our favorite NC-17 bloodbath was in our lives, and let's just say it was worth the wait.

Russell Edgington has been unearthed from his grave, there's more than the usual amount of incest, and yes –– there's a new baby vamp in town.

Grab your smelling salts (Eric 's naked bod might cause fainting spells), and let's get this fangfest started!

It's Lafayette, Bitch

Last time we checked in on Sookie "Bootylicious" Stackhouse, she had broken up with, like, all of her boyfriends shot Debbie Pelt in the head, and was sobbing over Tara's dead body.

Now she's depressed because everyone hates her, and it's like, girl. What did you expect?

Sookie is a total wreck about Tara's headsplosion, not to mention the fact that Lafayette is PTSD-ing all over her kitchen, but luckily Pam shows up and Sookie offers to "owe her one" in exchange for turning Tara into a vampire. Right, because Tara isn't grouchy enough as it is.

Pam eye-rolls herself into some yellow kitten-themed Wal-mart sweats and reluctantly crawls into a grave with Tara to get her maker on –– but will Ta-Ta end up totally "f***tarded" (Pam's newest expression) thanks to her missing brain chunks? That remains to be seen.

While Tara and Pam hang six feet under, Sookie and Lafayette dispose of Debbie's body and Lafayette shaves his fauxhawk. Noooooooo, this is like Britney Spears all over again!

Poor Lala is super depressed about the fact that all his loved ones are dead, especially our homeboy, Jesus — whose body is missing, by the way. Sigh, we'll chalk it up to a brujo thing.

True Blood Season 5 Premiere Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”
Credit: HBO    

But there are more important issues at hand than Lafayette and his newly bald head. The era of Sookie and Alcide is upon us.

These supernatural sex kittens (not to be confused with werepanthers) are definitely making eyes at each other, but when Alcide stops by Sookie's house to warn her about Russell Edgington's escape, all Sookie can think about is how Alcide will hate her for killing Debbie.

She almost spills the beans, but luckily Lafayette interrupts their convo and kicks Alcide and his freshly waxed chest out.

Oh, in other news, Terry is majorly on edge about Patrick's arrival in town, and we smell something supernatural in the works. Especially since Patrick reveals that his army pals have died in a series of mysterious house fires.

Sigh, don't tell us that Terry's a pyromaniac now ....

Bon Temps: Where Incestual Dreams Come Truebie

You guys, Bill and Eric are broken men. Thank Godric they have each other, especially since they get themselves kidnapped by a sexy Authority member named Nora during the first five minutes of the episode.

The catch? Nora is Eric's sister, and it turns out she's willing to betray The Authority if it means guaranteeing her brother's freedom. Here's what goes down:

Eric and Bill get trapped in some giant butterfly nets and shoved in the back of a car, where they enjoy a beautiful spooning session (don't pretend you don't like it, Bill). Then, they explode the car's engine with an umbrella, and as Bill writhes around on the ground like a damsel in distress, Eric sees his sister and they have a hot makeout session.

Totally normal sibling relationship.

True Blood Season 5 Premiere Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”
Credit: HBO    

After reuniting with her brother-lover, Nora takes the dynamic duo to a warehouse, where Bill forlornly listens to her and Eric having sex. Oh, Bill. Forever alone.

The next night, Nora reveals her plan to send Eric and Bill away from Bon Temps with a group of her secret allies, but The Authority kidnaps all three of them instead. Way to fail at coup plotting, Nora.

In other news, we're worried about Sam. Turns out an entire pack of werewolves are holding him responsible for Marcus' death, so he does what anyone would do and shows up naked on Luna's front porch — completely traumatizing Emma in the process.

Unfortunately, Sam is really terrible at hiding, and the weres haul him off for naked questioning with Marcus' she-wolf momma, Martha!

Sam agrees to lead Martha to Marcus' body, and then the entire pack proceed to eat his remains, cannibal style. Luckily, Alcide shows up and admits to killing Marcus right in time to save Sam's life, and it turns out he's the new packmaster!

Baby Makes Three!

Time to check in on Bon Temps' local yokels, starting with Jason Stacked House. Last time we saw Jason, Vampire Steve Newlin was all up in his grill, but it turns out that The Rev just wants to declare his undying love for Jason's six-pack. No biggie.

Of course, Jason doesn't have the hots for Steve (danger! danger!), but Jessica's able to stake her claim on Ghost Daddy before Newlin snacks on his neck. Phew!

Jason's falling hard for his vampy heroine, but Jessica's all about slutting it up with random muggles, and she throws a huge party at Bill's castle while he's out of town.

Poor Jason gets sex-blocked by some frat boy, and he can't even bring himself to hook up with a hot blonde in revenge. Sigh, looks like someone's in love for the millionth time. What else is new?

True Blood Season 5 Premiere Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”
Credit: HBO    

Meanwhile, in random townie news, Sheriff Andy is seriously humiliated when Holly's kiddos walk in on him spread out naked on her bed, but he distracts himself by getting chummy-chummy with Judge Clements.

Kinda random, but keep your eye on these two ... something sinister might go down in next week's episode!

Oh, and if you're wondering whether or not Tara's transformation into a vampire works, it definitely does. This crazy gal leaps out of her grave like a jack-in-the box, promptly pops out her fangs, and then attacks Sookie!

Uh oh, looks like she's just as "f***tarded" as Pam feared.

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06.11.2012 / 07:30 AM EDT by Mehera Bonner
Related: True Blood, Recaps

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