Even Michael Fassbender’s Hotness Couldn’t Save Prometheus
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Even Michael Fassbender’s Hotness Couldn’t Save Prometheus

Just three days ago we were so excited.

Our closet geek girl hearts beat fiercely for the opening of Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, the prequel to the Alien franchise — the films that taught us all about body horror, artillery weapons, and looking hot in a wife-beater. And with Charlize Theron as icy corporate overlord Meredith Vickers, Idris Elba as the world-weary ship captain Janek, and (sigh) Michael Fassbender as the exquisite android David, how could it possibly go wrong?

Well, we couldn’t have been more disappointed — or confused. Not only are plot points skimmed over (or skipped entirely), the boring, run-of-the-mill, let’s-save-Earth nonsense we’ve seen rehashed in sci-fi films and on TV for years is explained at length. Clearly we weren’t alone and word spread fast, because Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted beat Prometheus by $10M in domestic box office revenue. Ripley would be pissed.

Part of the film’s problem, we suspect, is a lame delivery of the razzle-dazzle 3D special effects. Yes, there are epic landscapes (filmed mostly in Iceland), but the film doesn’t need to be in 3D, like, say, Avatar. Although Prometheus was filmed with 3D cameras, it doesn’t feel like an immersive 3D experience, just incidental. And — let’s be real — if we’re going to wear those plastic glasses for two hours (and pay a couple bucks extra for them), we want our investment to pay off.

Visuals aside, Prometheus ends up being the story of a wealthy CEO (Guy Pearce) who funds an exploration to “meet his maker.” Um — remember when Alien was about female empowerment? Women kicking ass? Prometheus’ female lead, Dr. Shaw (Noomi Rapace), falls victim to horror after horror, and her inane last-ditch effort to rally for humankind (or vie for a sequel) could only take this franchise even further down a rabbit hole of disappointment.

Save yourself two hours, $15, and the anguish of wondering “Why, Ridley, why?” and watch Michael Fassbender’s astounding performance in the amazing “Meet David” viral video instead. It’s everything wonderful that Prometheus promised us, but ultimately couldn’t deliver on. Just ask the folks over at Dreamworks, who are probably storyboarding Madagascar 4 right now.

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06.12.2012 / 12:21 AM EDT by Daynah Burnett
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